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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Answers Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 4th, 2009, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Answers by James Asher Faubion - Drama - A lonely guy learns the secrets to women, then meets a woman with the secrets to world peace. 77 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 14th, 2011, 10:24pm
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grademan
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I just read ANSWERS – it took two sittings - and was blown away by your topic and writing. You kept switching my common understanding of things around.  The 2013 prophecy was a nice touch. Well done.

Very intensive dialogue for about 120 pages was both an accomplishment and a distraction. Too many words! Verged on preaching – or should I say prophesying.  I’d suggest cutting out the part of the Muslim cab driver. It may read a bit easier or at least shorter. Master #1 and Master #2 were very similar but I did understand why you needed both for synergy.  Poindexter was my favorite character.
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Eoin
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't get this at all. Had to give up after 10 pages. I just wasn't hooked. The opening was, well, like so many films I'ev seen and I'm guessing, films you've seen too, The Matrix, Wanted & Fight Club. The benal, mundane office life was a mirror of the office scenes in these films. Skimmed down throught it after that. Your script is FAR too dialouge focused. The narrative is far too loose and weak to hold a reader or audience captive. You explain far too much instead of SHOWING us. I think you need to go through the whole script with a red pen and do some highlighting.

A screenplay is not photographing people talking. Use dialogue sparingly. The Screenwriters’ Mantra is: SHOW, don’t Tell.

• Avoid all on-the-nose dialogue – eg, long expositions, explaining in words what’s happening. Get that crucial information across through dramatic means.

• Characters should DO more than they SAY.

• Avoid characters giving long speeches explaining their feelings and motives, and characters explaining what is happening to another character who already know this information.
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Trojan
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 4:00am Report to Moderator
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Ok I just tried to read this but it was difficult. I agree with the poster above, there was nothing here that hooked me and made me want to read on. I also thought of the opening scene of Wanted when I read your opening scene. Try something more original.

But the thing that really bothered me the most was you don't call anyone by their actual names. You keep referring to master#1 and master#2 despite them both being introduced and their real names given. Makes it harder to follow and a lot less personal. You want the characters to stand out and be recognisable but you have instead made them lifeless and two-dimensional. The same with Poindexter, this is not his actual name so why keep referring to him as such? Once you state what his name is then you should refer to him as such in the script.

At the party you have hen#1 through 3, why not name some of them and actually create some characters? It is quite painful to read to be honest. There is nothing happening at all just about 20 pages of two guys spouting some half-assed pick-up theory. This will not translate well at all to the screen.

I think what you are lacking is a story. I read the first 30 pages, skimmed the next ten waiting for something to happen. By now you are a third of the way through the script and nothing has been set up. You really need something to happen in the first act that will kick things into gear for the second act. Also this is supposed to be a comedy but I did not find anything funny in this at all. Sorry to be harsh but in 40 pages I found nothing to laugh at.

It just comes across as a bit of a mess and like you aren't really sure where you are going with it. Too much time is spent on the two guys trying to teach him about women, and the info is not coherent or funny. You could cut twenty pages down to 5 max in my opinion, by knowing what you want to say and getting it out there clearly.

The rest of the script might be fantastic, but if you can't capture the interest in the first ten to twenty pages (and I gave you double this) then people won't even bother to read the rest. Honestly I think this needs a massive overhaul of the beginning or else it isn't going to go anywhere.
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Forgive
Posted: March 25th, 2011, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi - I have to agree with the second and third postings here - did you pay grademan?

I did ten pages. Starts off well, with an interesting concept (even if it is not entirely original). There were some minors, such as the girl's neck snapping back into place, when we don't know it was out of place to begin with.

The script appears to be telling us what's happening, but lacks any dramatic edge. I've not seen (NAR) before... is the correct useage??

The dialogue was my biggest issue - it simply didn't come across as realistic - I could image these guys standing stiff as wood as they delivered their lines; there's no subtlety, or character delivered by the way they speak.

I found myself wondering why you had committed to 70 odd pages - have you done shorts previously? Sorry I can't say anything more positive.
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