SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 23rd, 2020, 6:29pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Answers Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Answers  (currently 1416 views)
Posted: April 4th, 2009, 3:58pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Answers by James Asher Faubion - Drama - A lonely guy learns the secrets to women, then meets a woman with the secrets to world peace. 77 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at:
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 14th, 2011, 10:24pm
revised script
Site Private Message
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 6:02pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
I just read ANSWERS – it took two sittings - and was blown away by your topic and writing. You kept switching my common understanding of things around.  The 2013 prophecy was a nice touch. Well done.

Very intensive dialogue for about 120 pages was both an accomplishment and a distraction. Too many words! Verged on preaching – or should I say prophesying.  I’d suggest cutting out the part of the Muslim cab driver. It may read a bit easier or at least shorter. Master #1 and Master #2 were very similar but I did understand why you needed both for synergy.  Poindexter was my favorite character.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator

just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Posts Per Day
Didn't get this at all. Had to give up after 10 pages. I just wasn't hooked. The opening was, well, like so many films I'ev seen and I'm guessing, films you've seen too, The Matrix, Wanted & Fight Club. The benal, mundane office life was a mirror of the office scenes in these films. Skimmed down throught it after that. Your script is FAR too dialouge focused. The narrative is far too loose and weak to hold a reader or audience captive. You explain far too much instead of SHOWING us. I think you need to go through the whole script with a red pen and do some highlighting.

A screenplay is not photographing people talking. Use dialogue sparingly. The Screenwriters’ Mantra is: SHOW, don’t Tell.

• Avoid all on-the-nose dialogue – eg, long expositions, explaining in words what’s happening. Get that crucial information across through dramatic means.

• Characters should DO more than they SAY.

• Avoid characters giving long speeches explaining their feelings and motives, and characters explaining what is happening to another character who already know this information.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 4:00am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
Ok I just tried to read this but it was difficult. I agree with the poster above, there was nothing here that hooked me and made me want to read on. I also thought of the opening scene of Wanted when I read your opening scene. Try something more original.

But the thing that really bothered me the most was you don't call anyone by their actual names. You keep referring to master#1 and master#2 despite them both being introduced and their real names given. Makes it harder to follow and a lot less personal. You want the characters to stand out and be recognisable but you have instead made them lifeless and two-dimensional. The same with Poindexter, this is not his actual name so why keep referring to him as such? Once you state what his name is then you should refer to him as such in the script.

At the party you have hen#1 through 3, why not name some of them and actually create some characters? It is quite painful to read to be honest. There is nothing happening at all just about 20 pages of two guys spouting some half-assed pick-up theory. This will not translate well at all to the screen.

I think what you are lacking is a story. I read the first 30 pages, skimmed the next ten waiting for something to happen. By now you are a third of the way through the script and nothing has been set up. You really need something to happen in the first act that will kick things into gear for the second act. Also this is supposed to be a comedy but I did not find anything funny in this at all. Sorry to be harsh but in 40 pages I found nothing to laugh at.

It just comes across as a bit of a mess and like you aren't really sure where you are going with it. Too much time is spent on the two guys trying to teach him about women, and the info is not coherent or funny. You could cut twenty pages down to 5 max in my opinion, by knowing what you want to say and getting it out there clearly.

The rest of the script might be fantastic, but if you can't capture the interest in the first ten to twenty pages (and I gave you double this) then people won't even bother to read the rest. Honestly I think this needs a massive overhaul of the beginning or else it isn't going to go anywhere.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
Posted: March 25th, 2011, 10:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
Posts Per Day
Hi - I have to agree with the second and third postings here - did you pay grademan?

I did ten pages. Starts off well, with an interesting concept (even if it is not entirely original). There were some minors, such as the girl's neck snapping back into place, when we don't know it was out of place to begin with.

The script appears to be telling us what's happening, but lacks any dramatic edge. I've not seen (NAR) before... is the correct useage??

The dialogue was my biggest issue - it simply didn't come across as realistic - I could image these guys standing stiff as wood as they delivered their lines; there's no subtlety, or character delivered by the way they speak.

I found myself wondering why you had committed to 70 odd pages - have you done shorts previously? Sorry I can't say anything more positive.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006