All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
I'm posting to you because I have a comedy up as well and I kind of hang out here. This area gets very little action because so few new scripts go up on SS in this genre.
This is just not good, dude. You break about every rule in the book in the first five pages - actually the first page, from the dedication (this is not a book, and by the time a movie gets produced, hundreds of people will have worked on it, so it's not "yours" anymore), to the "we see"'s, the camera angles, the unfilmables, the "your" instead of "you're", the stilted and expository dialogue, the blocky narratives, etc.
Also, your opening over the black screen makes no sense if it's not referred to right away in the action.
And we're not invested here - who is the protagonist? What is the conflict? You need to have this set up in the first five pages - which is about where a professional reader would have stopped on this one.
good. I know that would be strange to say to bad feedback. I know I need to work on a lot. The dedication is just a dedication to the person I'm saying it to. If it was a serious screenplay I was sending out, of course I would take it out. I just want feedback on the overall story, that is if you can get through the bad parts. I know there's lots and lots... of rewrites to do. That's why I posted it on here, so people can tell me what I need to work on story-wise and not the simple stuff. Thanks for the feedback. The over black scene is a really small part to the bigger picture of the script and it does have a payoff if you can get through the not so great parts. It is more of a comedy/drama with a serious tone to it at times.
Big points in my book for coming here and accepting the critique like a man. I'm willing to work some of this out with you because you seem willing to hear it. And just know that we all started out green, and everyone on this board regardless of what they've written still has a lot to learn.
I won't be able to get through the whole script, but give me a few days, and we can circle back and talk a bit more in depth avout what you need to work on.
I took a quick look at this one yesterday but didn't post any comments because I thought you probably weren't on the forums. Since I know you are posting here I'll tell you what I think.
I know people sometimes have an issue with commenting too much on loglines but I really think yours needs work. A guy finds a crazy girl in a bathroom. Then what? You need to give us a sense of what the story is about, which I am guessing would be what comes AFTER he meets this girl. Not sure what you mean by crazy either, if she is mentally unstable or crazy as in wild and zany.
Anyway on to the actual script. Agreed that the dedication should be removed. I don't know why you would have a different version on here than what you would send out professionally. If you know that there are mistakes and things wrong with the script it would seem to me that it'd be a good idea to correct them before you post your finished work here. But anyway, let's move on.
I am not sure what the fighting over black is supposed to be in the beginning. Due to it being a man and woman, and him saying 'I know you want this' and then moaning and groaning, it sounds like rape. Not really a good tone to set straight up for a comedy. If it is something else then it was lost on me.
Lose all of the camera directions and the 'we do this' 'we see' etc. Just tell us what is happening on the screen.
Edwin is shy and punctuational? What does this mean? He enjoys punctuation? How do we know he is shy? How do we know he has his head on straight?
Show don't tell. The whole part about Lucy telling people whatever is on her mind should be cut out completely. We can't see this on screen. Show her doing this instead.
Your should be you're.
Why would Lucy ask Edwin if he thinks Randy is hot? It seems a strange thing to say, and does she really care what he thinks anyway? It seems like the only reason it is there is to set up the next line about not being gay if he thinks another guy is good looking. And here again, should be you're not your. Learn the difference.
'After class Edwin is walking the halls trying to manage all the books thatís piled up in his arms, and then, he drops them on the floor; making a mess.
Edwin goes down on one knee and starts collecting his things. A few students are pointing and laughing in the background. He takes it in and continues what he was doing.'
Edwin carries a mountain of books in his arms. Drops them. Bends down to pick them up. Students point and laugh.
Essentially what I have written has all the same information but in much fewer words. Get rid of all the clutter and just focus on the basics of what we need to know.
On page three, Randy says 'Yeah, including me. I have to found out who this Lucy chick is and see... well, Iíll better go see.' There are a few mistakes in that sentence.
Then Randy leaves and he waves goodbye. How many college guys wave goodbye to their freinds? I am guessing Randy is supposed to be the cool guy, waving is not something that would fit that image.
On page four you have a whole heap of telling and not showing. The college. Girls wanting to date or kiss Ryan. This is the place to be if your a party-goer. (Fuck! It is YOU'RE not YOUR. A pet hate of mine.) Don't tell us what we are panning to see or any directions. Leave that up to the director.
Guy's should be guys. Were should be We're.
Okay read up to page five and it is not doing a lot for me. To be honest it is pretty bad. The dialogue is really off between Lucy and Ryan and that is where I stopped reading. I mean it is not terrible, it just needs work.
What is the story here? Where is the comedy? If there was anything funny in the first five pages I must've missed it. You need to set the tone early on but I didn't laugh at anything. Was the retard line supposed to be funny? Some might chuckle at it I guess, but it just felt flat and lame to me.
You have managed to set Edwin up as the loser type, and his friends as outgoing and popular, so that is something. But there is nothing here that makes me want to read on to see what happens to them. You need to make us care about the characters as soon as possible. If Edwin is your protagonist then have some bad shit happen to him early on so we can get a sense of his character AND sympathise with him. As it stands right now he just seems like a conservative guy who wants to focus on his work. Who cares? Certainly not me. What does he want? What are his goals? Have him want something really badly but have something else stand in his way so we have some conflict and I can care about the character.
I may get around to reading more just to see if it improves but I can't read any further right now. I hope my comments help. Don't want to seem overly harsh but I'm just trying to be honest with you about where it needs improvement. Good luck with it.
Thanks Tim. I know it needs a lot of work. That's why I'm here. Your comments did help. For my first screenplay I was proud of it. Just being able write one was hard for me. I'm not that great on spelling and grammer, which I know I need to work on if I'm going to be a writer. Thanks for your time, even if you did read a little of it. It's help me. Now I can try and fix some stuff you were telling me.