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The whole time I was reading this... the below quote from a very popular script consultant came to mind. "Attack of the Killer Gimmicks" By Ray Morton
"The Couch Trip: Does the idea of watching two people sitting on a couch talking sound like exciting cinema to you? Me neither. Does it sound like a gripping way to begin a movie? I agree, but apparently a lot of spec script writers out there do not, because I cannot tell you how many scripts I have read in the last year that begin with two characters sitting on a couch talking (often for five or more pages - apparently the people that favor this technique are also incapable of being brief). I find this totally mystifying, because I can't imagine how even the worst writer in the world could think this was a good way to go, and yet obviously many do. Just thinking about this makes my head spin. I think I better sit down. On the couch."
So here we are, opening at a bus stop, for twenty pages. Nothing but two guys just talking. Page#20, we get to the beach, more of the same. I read this whole script in under 30 minutes... why? Because 99.9% of it, is just dialogue. Dialogue can only carry a script so far.
It doesn't work that way. It varies, more like 60-40, maybe 75-25, that is action to dialogue. If I'm wrong, then someone please correct me.
A movie is more visual then anything and there's nothing visual about this. You have to set your scenes, give your characters something to do. You're longest action line, when you decided to throw some in, "Five words," I believe.
Absolutely had no idea what any of your characters looked like. Therefore, I had no interest in any of them. Kim, was just way out in left field.
Your ending, there was none. It was more silly then anything. I can't say this was structured very well, because it wasn't.
This is JMO... others may take a look at this, and disagree with me.
Read more scripts, read screenwriting books, because at this point its the best advice I can give you.
You may have a story here, but as presented, it just doesn't work.
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
Ghost is completely right in his assessment (he usually is, btw). I read the first 10 pages, then skimmed the rest up to page 33.
It's two people talking for your entire first act. Broken up into a 21 page scene and a 12 page scene, it's Joe talking to Carson. For more than 1/3 of your movie.
And some dialogue was on the nose (i.e., "how long have you two been going out?" Wouldn't he know if they were friends?) and some was cheesy, like the lines that incorporated the BP spill.
I imagine that all through the first act the audience is supposed to care whether or not Joe has a threesome. It's just not enough. There's no tension, no conflict, and the constant back and forth dialogue does nothing to heighten any of this.
Sorry I couldn't be more positive - best of luck with this.
Sorry to jump on the bad news bandwagon, but as it is 1 page is equal to 1 minute movie time so with my calculations nearly 1 fifth of your movie is spent with 2 guys talking at bus stop, with very, very little action. I didn`t get past that sorry. I lost interest, there was nothing there to make me want to read anymore.
Yeah, it read a little too quick for my taste (not a bad thing when the story is actually a page-turner), but sadly this wasn't. I felt ike I was reading one very long-act play with no character descriptions or sense of where I was.
More needs to be going on other than dialogue. Don't know what but I think this can be rewritten.