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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Smash N Grab Moderators: bert
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  Author    Smash N Grab  (currently 1399 views)
Don
Posted: August 10th, 2010, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Smash N Grab by Curtis James Coffey - Comedy, Caper - In the vein of Guy Ritchie, a group of Irish small-timers in the States find themselves in a heap of trouble with British mobsters when a gambling debt is created. Action, twists, a plenty of laughs highlight this caper-tribute. 92 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 9th, 2011, 3:20pm
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jackx
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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You say 'in the vein of'  but it pretty much sounds like the same movie.  What with goofy small timers trying to pay off a gambling debt with plenty of twists.  Need to up the originality factor.

Pretty overworded right off the bat.  "The van pulls off the main road, and parks along the side of the street, right next to a popular American bank."
Why not just "the van pulls off the main road and parks along a popular american bank"

Kinda seems like the american cop also speaks in irish rhythms.  seems kinda off.

The beginning bit is pretty grabby though.  Gets you interested.

p22  laughing and jarring  should be jeering.
Seamus looks around for his friends, all of which are distracted...  sb whom

The gambling loss seems a little forced.  Seamus just comes across as an idiot betting that high on twenty with money he doesnt have against a gangster.  and not a lovable idiot like before, just an idiot idiot.

Seems wierd that the announcer says welcome to the 'dog tracks'  wouldnt they use the real name?  like the jefferson tracks or whatever you decide theyre called.

Why does richard give the loanshark money?  shouldnt it be the other way around?

Hmm kinda weak ending.

The idea of playing benny against richard is good, but just too abrupt and unbelievable.  richard decides to believe seamus after all his bullshit?  really?  
And seline putting herself on the line for a random dude that she just fucked once?  

Need to develop the story a bit so its believable.  Seamus and Seline need more of a relationship seline needs more of a character.  There needs to be more tension between benny and richard leading up to the end.  also maybe more to suggest that the money was at bennys than seamus' less than believable word.

On the good side it read real quick, and the dialogue and characters were pretty excellent.  just need to shore up the plot a bit.

good luck with it.


Mine:
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