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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Gods must be Lazy Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Gods must be Lazy  (currently 2660 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Gods must be Lazy by Leonard Chitunhu - Comedy - And whilst the gods slept, the men... 119 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  October 25th, 2010, 12:14pm
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dogglebe
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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I stopped reading this one a little earlier than I expected to.  Why, you may ask?  I'll tell you.  I get turned off very quickly when I'm reading a script that covers certain periods of time and everyone talks in modern day colloquialisms.  Gabrielle tells God that, "Satan will make man an offer he can't refuse."  Later on, God says "religion rocks."  A caveman says, "I thought you would never ask."

Things like this pull the reader out of the story.  And when you start your story with this problem, you make it hard for the reader to get into it.

If this was meant to be a comedy, you might be able to get away with.  As a drama, you have to be a little more careful in how you word things.


Phil
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Marcus Gravy
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, I meant it to be funny but after I write a screenplay I always put it under drama just in case it isn't funny. I thought drama is in limbo and caters for anything with relationships.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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If you put something under Comedy, it's never funny.  However, in this case it would probably be wise put this under comedy based on what Phil has stated.  This way the feeback you get will take into account that you meant it to be funny.   I can probably move it for you but not unless you ask first.  If I can't move it then I'll make sure the request goes to the right people.

Or you can just send a email to the webmaster and he will definitely be able to move it.  
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dogglebe
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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As a comedy, I didn't think it worked either.  Having characters from the past talk in modern colloquialism is a turn-off for me.


Phil
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screenrider
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Leonard,

As much as I hate to defend your script, due to the fact that it's totally blashpemous and Biblically unsound, let there be no mistake about it...it definitely belongs in the comedy section.  I skimmed through it and there are some humorous lines in here.  Modern colloquialisms are the ONLY way to make it work.    Mel Brookes put that theory to the test and succeeded.    But be advised, God never slumbers or sleeps.  Psalm 121:4

  
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Marcus Gravy
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, apologies if anyone was offended, I was trying to blend in atheism and religiousity. I would really appreciate it if you sent it over to the comedy section.

[bert's edit:  Done]

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bert  -  October 25th, 2010, 12:16pm
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rendevous
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
God never slumbers or sleeps.  Psalm 121:4


He rests though. On the seventh day. How come they reckon the human race was down to six hundred people on the coast of South Africa about two hundred thousand years ago.

Our gene pool is far closer than say monkeys or gorillas. Their DNA is hugely different between two indivuals of the same species compared to human.

This would suggest they are right.

Were is The Garden of Eden? Is it near Noah's Ark? I like the bible.

As Gabriel Byrne, now an Ambassador for Ireland, as Keaton in the Usual Suspects said "I don't believe in God. But I'm afraid of him".

Anyways, there are some good lines in here. And it probably does belong in the comedy section. Religiousity? Is that a new dance move?

R ox


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