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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Bank Guy Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 1st, 2010, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bank Guy by Kyle Kron - Comedy - A bank security officer in New York City leaves his post and allows a bank robbery to take place, not of money but the bank owner's most prized possession. In an attempt to get the possessions back after being fired, Kevin Cross and two other bank employees travel from New York to Los Angeles, where the possessions were taken. While going across the US, they stumble upon many strange encounters with well known people and events that have shaped the entertainment industry throughout the century. 110 pages - pdf, format


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Eoin
Posted: November 2nd, 2010, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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I couldn't follow your opening, or see exactly what you were striving for. How do the flashbacks link to Kevin on the podium and how is this related to the story? I wouldn't use camera direction like CU. That's the directors job and they usually don't like to be told how to do it. You need to orinetate us in the world/story you are telling and you didn't achieve that with the flashbacks and Kevin at the podium. I just felt confused and disconnected. Then it's Kevin at his security job. Here you start explaining the story to us with on the nose dialouge. Show us the private safe and the bosses reaction to the possessions inside etc. I didn't see any humour either and I love a good laugh.
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Ledbetter
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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I'd like to help you on this simply because I see a lot of value in your writing. What I want to do is just take page 1 and show some exaples of how you might be able to tighten/better the writing. Remember though, I am new at this as well and this is only my opinion.

FADE IN:
INT. NEW YORK UNIVERSITY AUDITORIUM/ NEW YORK CITY - MORNING
(2010)

Waaay too long here my friend. How about:

INT. NEW YORK UNIVERSITY - DAY


Auditorium is set for a speech. A blue curtain is behind a
podium.

Instead try- Inside of the audortium, blue curtins drape behind a podium.

KEVIN CROSS, 28, stands at the podium in a suit and
dress shirt.

Tighten up the intro's- KEVIN CROSS, 28, dressed in a suit, stands behind a the podium.

Cameras are flashing and taking pictures.

Kinda clumsy here my friend. Try instead - Camera's flash. We know they are taking pictures.


KEVIN
Good morning and thank you for
joining me. Many of you in this
room are my friends.

Dialog is Okay there but watch-

FLASHBACK TO: (Should be BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. HOUSE/ LOS ANGELES - NIGHT (1980)

A GRANDMOTHER, 55,
Who's GRANDMOTHER?


opens the front door. Three masked men-

CAPITOLIZE THESE MEN. You are intro-ing them.


stand at the door and STAB the grandmother in the stomach.

Why is STABBED CAPITOLIZED?


She falls to the ground.
BACK TO PRESENT ( Should be END FLASHBACK


KEVIN
(looks at paper)  


Many of you in this room know me.
You already mentioned that many people in the rooms are his friends.


FLASHBACK TO: (BEGIN FLASHBACK


INT. HOUSE/ LOS ANGELES - NIGHT (1980)
A FATHER, 25,
A father of who?


stands up next to his WIFE, 25,
Is it his wife or daughter??? Above you have A FATHER-

as they see the three masked men ENTER
Why is ENTER CAP'D.

their kitchen. The wife is holding a
baby GIRL, 1.
One man holds up his gun and aims at the father.

Which man holds the gun? We don't know antything about either.


I can see what is in your head and it is good. Here is the trick. SLOW DOWN and really think about what you want to show us. The story is good. I know you mentioned writing this in quick time and that ia a very common thing here. Hell, I did the same thing on my first script. I could not wait to get it on here. Now that you have. Take a deep breath and let this one set for a spell and write something else. You will be amazed that now that you have it on paper to revisit, you will gain a whole new perspective on it.

GREAT FIRST SCRIPT.

I hope this helps.

Take care
Shawn.....><
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Ledbetter
Posted: November 16th, 2010, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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kronkp,

Half way through it and then had to go out of town. i don't do much reading out of town due to the amount of paperwork I do in the evening.

Shawn.....><
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