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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  St. Patrick's Day Moderators: bert
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  Author    St. Patrick's Day  (currently 1624 views)
Don
Posted: November 18th, 2010, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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St. Patrick's Day by Mike Doyle (personalnumber123864) - Comedy - Today is the worst day of the rest of your life. 99 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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You have exact times in your slugs, I dont think this is correct.  I'm not the best at format but I believe the solution would either be to have a super with the time, or a prominent clock, and mention the time in your action.

p40  patrick says here here.  that should be hear hear, I believe.
And kinda interesting that we're still in the bar.  dialogues pretty good, not sure how all the crying would go over tho.

p45 friend says chivralous, sb chivalrous.  

bangers a cool character.

Generally using a specific song is a nono.  mostly because if it excludes the audience that doesnt know it, which includes me.  No idea what the unicorn song is.

I was definitely planning on reading about a dozen pages and commenting, and then got sucked in and read the whole thing.

Did you think about having the cute girl next to him when he wakes up?  I guess it keeps him a bit more innocent and likable not too.

Wow, that was a highly original script.  I'm kinda impressed...
I think you had a total of three locations, not counting parking lots.
Patrick was very likable, and I guess the whole strength of the script rests on that.  The revelations re dying and then not dying seem paced a bit different...   not good or bad, just different.
This is kinda like a true romance story from a guy pov.
not sure how salable this is, but I really enjoyed it.  Good job.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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jackx
Posted: November 23rd, 2010, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Oh and thinking back, I really like how you made everyone else less impressed by sarahs looks.  
But I do think you will have a lot of the audience groaning if patrick doesnt take avantage of the cute girls offers by the end.  I mean, we all respect a guy for not going after someone elses girl, but thats a bit much by the end.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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coplistic
Posted: November 26th, 2010, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Great script, I really enjoyed reading it.
No real critiques, just thought you'd elaborate on the unicorn song at some point since that was never really explained.
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Eoin
Posted: November 28th, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Despite all the Paddy wackery, destilled Irishisms that are so cliche and untrue and phrases that are supposed to be Irish yet aren't even said correctly, this strangely enough had something to it. Needs more structure - but with a little polish i could see this as a MOW.
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personnumber123864
Posted: November 29th, 2010, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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jackx,

thanks so much for the read and specific constructive criticism. i really appreciate it. hopefully i'll have some time soon to read "hard case".

best,
mike (aka personnumber123864)
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personnumber123864
Posted: November 29th, 2010, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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coplistic,

thanks for the read. glad you liked it.

'the unicorn song' is perhaps the most annoying song you're likely ever to hear. it's the st. patrick's day equivalent of the the chipmunks singing 'christmas time is here again'.

awful.

when i was in college they played it twice an hour at the 'irish' bar that we all went to.

if you're feeling masochistic you can experience it for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EPsuOEH1fY

happy holidays,
mike
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personnumber123864
Posted: November 29th, 2010, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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eoin,

thanks for the read. nice to get an irishman's take on it. i'm fully aware that every march 17th we ruin irish culture as only americans can. it's kind of what i was driving at with the "irish as apple pie" comment. there's a lot of that over here.

don't feel too bad, though. we do the same for mexican culture every cinco de mayo. and french culture every time we order a croissandwich at the burger king drive thru.
and italian culture every time we open a can of spaghetti-o's.

god, we're just awful, awful people. i feel we owe the world a huge apology. seriously, how do you put up with us?

anyway, congrats on the ryder cup.

happy holidays,
mike


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