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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Journey Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 5th, 2010, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Journey by James Richards - Comedy - Four guys unite together to overcome their  divorce stories and learn from eachother's life experiences. 112 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: December 5th, 2010, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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This one is not starting out very good for me. Too talky, too crass, and the jokes aren't landing for me.
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gomes009
Posted: December 14th, 2010, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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few things...

first the name "The Journey" change it, sounds like a teenage girl movie with Hannah Montana traveling cross country to find her lost guitar.

112 pages, too long. Shoot for 95-100

First page- don't forget FADE IN:

Also in your slug you don't need a dash after INT. just INT. A RANDOM HOUSE... also change that. Ditch the A and give me a little more description of this house. RANDOM is just too vague.

Also page 1..

ditch the ings... "A shower running in the background." NO RUNNING. It runs

INT. - A HOUSE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

again, bad slug. Also ditch "Heather enters the bathroom" -- cause we know that, from the slug.

Also the transition from the bathroom to cliffs house needs something cause I just don't get whats happening here. try not to end a scene with dialogue.

I imagine these types of mistakes go on for the entire movie but don't let negative reviews deter you. Keep learning, take classes if you can. read books like "Save the Cat" also "The Screenwriters Bible" is a tremendous resource I use all the time.

good luck



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outtosea
Posted: January 6th, 2011, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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To start you out:

Pg 1. Can someone be “glowing” and also “cold and emotionless?”

“way TOO drunk to drive”

“cause YOU’RE getting married…”

Pg. 2. Not sure I’m really buying the whole shower thing… She doesn’t know the girl, just woke up, and is immediately ready to shower with her?

Pg. 3 “He gives ONE more sigh…”

“I am EXCITED to be…”

Is he really saying “OMG?” or is he saying “Oh my god?” And “STFU?” I’ve never heard anyone say that in coversation.

Pg. 4. “Where was I? Oh yeah! Heather…”

“Old gothic cathedral with A huge…”
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Siege00
Posted: January 28th, 2011, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Huh.  This is posted in the "comedy" section.  I thought at some point I would actually, y'know, laugh.

Sorry.  This screenplay just wasn't doin' it for me.  Interesting premise, just wrongly executed.  I was a bit distracted by the unfunny lowbrow jokes, dialogue, and the "text speak" within the first ten pages to actually see the story here.  It just doesn't flow for me.

Also, I noticed you "alert the reader" that a time-lapse of two weeks past between the wedding and when the main story picks up.  But you don't really alert the viewer.            
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