SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 11:01am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Journey Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Journey  (currently 1674 views)
Don
Posted: December 5th, 2010, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Journey by James Richards - Comedy - Four guys unite together to overcome their  divorce stories and learn from eachother's life experiences. 112 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: December 5th, 2010, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
This one is not starting out very good for me. Too talky, too crass, and the jokes aren't landing for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
gomes009
Posted: December 14th, 2010, 2:38am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.00
few things...

first the name "The Journey" change it, sounds like a teenage girl movie with Hannah Montana traveling cross country to find her lost guitar.

112 pages, too long. Shoot for 95-100

First page- don't forget FADE IN:

Also in your slug you don't need a dash after INT. just INT. A RANDOM HOUSE... also change that. Ditch the A and give me a little more description of this house. RANDOM is just too vague.

Also page 1..

ditch the ings... "A shower running in the background." NO RUNNING. It runs

INT. - A HOUSE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

again, bad slug. Also ditch "Heather enters the bathroom" -- cause we know that, from the slug.

Also the transition from the bathroom to cliffs house needs something cause I just don't get whats happening here. try not to end a scene with dialogue.

I imagine these types of mistakes go on for the entire movie but don't let negative reviews deter you. Keep learning, take classes if you can. read books like "Save the Cat" also "The Screenwriters Bible" is a tremendous resource I use all the time.

good luck



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
outtosea
Posted: January 6th, 2011, 2:39am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.00
To start you out:

Pg 1. Can someone be “glowing” and also “cold and emotionless?”

“way TOO drunk to drive”

“cause YOU’RE getting married…”

Pg. 2. Not sure I’m really buying the whole shower thing… She doesn’t know the girl, just woke up, and is immediately ready to shower with her?

Pg. 3 “He gives ONE more sigh…”

“I am EXCITED to be…”

Is he really saying “OMG?” or is he saying “Oh my god?” And “STFU?” I’ve never heard anyone say that in coversation.

Pg. 4. “Where was I? Oh yeah! Heather…”

“Old gothic cathedral with A huge…”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
Siege00
Posted: January 28th, 2011, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Huh.  This is posted in the "comedy" section.  I thought at some point I would actually, y'know, laugh.

Sorry.  This screenplay just wasn't doin' it for me.  Interesting premise, just wrongly executed.  I was a bit distracted by the unfunny lowbrow jokes, dialogue, and the "text speak" within the first ten pages to actually see the story here.  It just doesn't flow for me.

Also, I noticed you "alert the reader" that a time-lapse of two weeks past between the wedding and when the main story picks up.  But you don't really alert the viewer.            
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006