SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 10:24am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Akin To Love Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Akin To Love  (currently 2386 views)
Don
Posted: January 4th, 2011, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Akin To Love by Andy Johnson - Comedy - Bound by something other than love, a pair must literally move heaven and earth to be together. 94 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: January 4th, 2011, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
An eye emerges from the shrubbery, then arrow darts
forward.

There is writing that is too wordy, and there is writing that is too sparse. Your writing is too sparse. Which woman does what? Which one is the young one? Hard to follow if you don't answer those questions.

I don't remember where, but I read a cupid script much like this recently, mythical gods and all. Practically the same story line.

Later on you get tighter on the writing, but I'm not getting into the story.

Good luck with it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
CindyLKeller
Posted: January 31st, 2011, 10:57am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hi Andy,

Sorry to say that I had a hard time with this, too.

In the beginning you have many, many, many characters that you describe as WOMAN or MAN. It left me feeling dizzy. Give them a name, show them to me. What do they look like? Not just an age.

You have EXT. CARRIAGE - DAY
ok, but where are you?

How about something like:

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
A horse-drawn carraige kicks up dust as it moves down the dirt road...

You also have a lot of CONTINUED'S on the top and bottoms of pages. I'd get rid of them. Every screenplay is continued on the next page.

You introduce Cupid on page 7, and follow him from there. If Cupid is going to be your star role, you should introduce him on the first page, not on page 7. You should stick to that person from the beginning, to the end like glue.

I do believe it was on page 7 and on that the writing started getting better.
Maybe you wrote everything else, then decided to go back, and show different people  getting hit with arrows???

Maybe you wanted it to be like a mob hit from the first scene??? I'm not sure, but if you did, that could be your hook.

You could still show Cupid getting the list from whomever, but show him there.
Maybe Cupid looks like a normal, everyday guy, but he shoots people with arrows, and maybe, YEAH maybe the cops find out he's shooting people with arrows, and they're after him. ???

You do have some good lines in there, like when the hooker says, "I don't know, three hundred bucks," while chewing gum.

It just needs some work. Find your star, and follow them through their journey.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006