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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Akin To Love Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 4th, 2011, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Akin To Love by Andy Johnson - Comedy - Bound by something other than love, a pair must literally move heaven and earth to be together. 94 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 4th, 2011, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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An eye emerges from the shrubbery, then arrow darts
forward.

There is writing that is too wordy, and there is writing that is too sparse. Your writing is too sparse. Which woman does what? Which one is the young one? Hard to follow if you don't answer those questions.

I don't remember where, but I read a cupid script much like this recently, mythical gods and all. Practically the same story line.

Later on you get tighter on the writing, but I'm not getting into the story.

Good luck with it.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 31st, 2011, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Andy,

Sorry to say that I had a hard time with this, too.

In the beginning you have many, many, many characters that you describe as WOMAN or MAN. It left me feeling dizzy. Give them a name, show them to me. What do they look like? Not just an age.

You have EXT. CARRIAGE - DAY
ok, but where are you?

How about something like:

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
A horse-drawn carraige kicks up dust as it moves down the dirt road...

You also have a lot of CONTINUED'S on the top and bottoms of pages. I'd get rid of them. Every screenplay is continued on the next page.

You introduce Cupid on page 7, and follow him from there. If Cupid is going to be your star role, you should introduce him on the first page, not on page 7. You should stick to that person from the beginning, to the end like glue.

I do believe it was on page 7 and on that the writing started getting better.
Maybe you wrote everything else, then decided to go back, and show different people  getting hit with arrows???

Maybe you wanted it to be like a mob hit from the first scene??? I'm not sure, but if you did, that could be your hook.

You could still show Cupid getting the list from whomever, but show him there.
Maybe Cupid looks like a normal, everyday guy, but he shoots people with arrows, and maybe, YEAH maybe the cops find out he's shooting people with arrows, and they're after him. ???

You do have some good lines in there, like when the hooker says, "I don't know, three hundred bucks," while chewing gum.

It just needs some work. Find your star, and follow them through their journey.

Cindy


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