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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  You Belong With Me Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 4th, 2011, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You Belong With Me by Sarah E. Y. Miller - Comedy - A recently dumped business man gets engaged to his best friend to please his dying grandfather and get a promotion. 105 pages - pdf, format


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fionaman
Posted: February 5th, 2011, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text

PETER
Can't you retire regardless?

GRANDFATHER (O.S.)
I won't retire until I know the
company is in good hands for the
next two generations. My Granddaddy
started it and he didn't retire. I
was already a managing Vice President
when he died of a heart attack at
his desk.

PETER
I know. By then you were married
and Grandma was eight months pregnant
with Dad. I know.


Seriously, Sarah?
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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 6th, 2011, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Peter raises his glass.
CLAUDE
To the vicissitudes of women.
Claude raises his glass.
Peter clinks his glass to Claude's.
PETER
I'll drink to that.
Peter drains his glass.
Several of the men, at tables near by, raise their glasses
and silently drink the toast.

I LIKE THE ENDING OF THIS SCENE. GOOD OPENING.

BY THE END OF PAGE NINE, WE HAVE A GOAL SET UP. NOT EXACTLY LIFE AND DEATH, BUT A GOAL: LET GRANDPA RETIRE.

WHOA! BUST! PETER GOES JOGGING AND SEES EVELYN BUT DOES NOT JOG OVER TO FIND OUT WHY SHE BAILED ON HIM? THAT IS NOT LOGICAL GIVEN ALL THE ENERGY PETER SPENT LEAVING PHONE MESSAGES.

YOU'RE LOSING STEAM FAST. ALL THE EXPOSITION (WITH CLARA) ABOUT BEING A MARRIED COMPANY MAN AND EVELYN'S DAD PART OF THE COMPANY SHOULD HAVE COME OUT THE SAME TIME AS GRAMPS TELLING PETER TO GET MARRIED SO HE CAN RETIRE. SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH EVELYN'S DAD, TOO. GET THE FACE TO FACE CONFLICT GOING STRONG. INTRODUCE EVELYN'S DAD, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY EVELYN BAILED. UNLESS IT'S SOME MYSTERY THAT PAYS OFF LATER, I NEED TO KNOW NOW SO PETER HAS A REASON TO MOVE ON AND I CAN ROOT FOR HIM TO MOVE ON.

PETER AND CLARA TALK FOR SIX PAGES.

THEN RINGING IT TO PAGE 20.

THEN IN THE CAR TO PAGE 23.

BASICALLY 13 PAGES OF PETER AND CLARA TALKING. EH, DOESN'T BODE WELL FOR THIS STORY. AT LEAST WE KNOW WHAT THE PLOT IS GOING TO BE.

INT. PETER'S CAR -- MOMENTS LATER
Peter and Clara get into Peter's car.
Clara fastens her seat belt while Peter puts the key in the
ignition, but doesn't start the car.
CLARA
Something the matter?
PETER
No.
He turns in his seat to look at her.

WAY TOO MUCH WRITING GOING ON.

Clara Belle Mayfield, will you be my
fiancee? With the understanding
that if we don't suit we can break
the engagement after I get my
promotion?

NOT ENOUGH CONFLICT. THEY SHOULD NOT BE THIS CLOSE AS TO SAY LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS. THEY SHOULD KNOW IT WON'T WORK SO WE CAN SEE THEM LEARN TO LOVE EACH OTHER. BUT THEN AGAIN, IT'S BEEN DONE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. SO YOU BETTER BRING SOMETHING FRESH TO THE TABLE THERE.


PETER (CONT'D)
Are you free Friday night?
Peter fastens his own seat belt.
CLARA
Yeah. Why?

PETER (CONT'D)
So you never answered, you free
Friday?

HUH?

PAGE 25, PETER AND CLARA TO TO THE MANSION. IN THREE PAGES, CLARA HAS 3 LINES. AND...

GRANDFATHER
So how did he persuade you to marry
him, Clara?

CLARA DOESN'T ANSWER HIM.

PAGE 29, 30, 31. TALK TALK TALK.

THEN ALL THE WAY TO PAGE 44. TALK TALK TALK.

I DON'T SEE EVELYN AGAIN SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER. MAYBE IT WAS IN A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SOMEONE, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I DIDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO EVELYN UP TO PAGE 44.

I'M SORRY, BUT THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BESIDES TALKING IN DIFFERENT PLACES. THE REASON FOR THAT NOT WORKING FOR ME IS THERE IS NO CONFLICT FOR ME TO GET INVOLVED IN. I BET PETER AND CLARA GET MARRIED IN THE END.

I THOUGHT THE OPENING SCENE, AS CHICHE AS IT WAS HELD SOME PROMISE. YOU WROTE ALL THE WAY TO THE END WHICH IS MORE THAN MOST GET TO AFTER THEY START.

THE LOGLINE (GOOD LOGLINE) SAYS COMEDY, BUT I DIDN'T SEE FUNNY AND THE DIALOGUE WASN'T FUNNY. WHAT WERE YOU GOING FOR?

YOU MIGHT TRY SOMETHING...DELETE ALL OF THE DIALOGUE AND THEN READ THE ACTION THAT IS LEFT.

THEN DELETE ALL OF THE ACTION AND READ THE DIALOGUE THAT IS LEFT.

SEE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT THEN.
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fionaman
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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God, Bleach Martini ^ you're  a monster! and so right!


[bert's edit:  bert agrees, but would ask C.M. to please go easy on the CAPS LOCK key.  Thanks.]

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  February 7th, 2011, 10:13am
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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from fionaman
God, Bleach Martini ^ you're  a monster! and so right!


[bert's edit:  bert agrees, but would ask C.M. to please go easy on the CAPS LOCK key.  Thanks.]


FOR THE RECORD,   I only caps lock because I like to cut and paste references and that is how I differentiate between what is written (by the author) and my comments. It's not one of those deals where the caps are there to drive my point home...at least not in most script reviews.

Maybe I could Italicize...

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SarahMiller42
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for reading and commenting. I knew it wasn't quite right but didn't know where it was having problems so thanks pointing the direction. I'll work on more plot less talk in the next rewrite.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 7th, 2011, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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You need to put Peter face to face with Ev's dad right away. You can't let Ev get off without an explanation, what ever that may be. You might think that Peter and Clara are the important part, but not at first. Peter has an issue that needs to be resolved. He's not broken up at all if he can hook up with Clara so fast. It's all about the promotion which makes Peter an a$$. How can Peter love Clara? It can't come from people telling him he does. It has to come from Peter. Same for Clara. You can't tell me she loves Peter, nor can you have Peter's Grandfather say she does because he sees it or has seen it in the past. These two CAN'T be in love when they start. What was the film with Sandra Bullock where they go to Alaska or something? This is the same thing. Peter being the executive type can pull himself up by his bootstraps because that's who he is, but he also wants an answer from Ev. So running away is not who Peter is, or else he would never be considered for a promotion. He'd be given a boat and told to sail off and paint sunsets, just don't come around the office anymore. Ev should always be a thorn of some kind during this thing.

So Clara might have to convince Peter that they need to fake it for a while, talk him into it. That shows that Clara is willing to sacrifice herself for Peter. That's the first sign that Clara cares about him in some way. If things go according to Hoyle, Peter will $hit on Clara after getting his promotion then he will have to come to his senses and realize how great Clara really is for him. Then she'll be at the airport to fly away when Peter realizes his mistake and because Clara refuses the back scatter, she's held up in that little glass booth for a pat down that never comes and she's left alone and it's like 1 a.m. and she's wondering where everyone is and then Peter shows up and because one of his buddies is a TSA wrangler, Peter gets Clara out of the glass booth and sweeps her off her feet and they hug and kiss and we applaud and the women in the audience pull out the hankies and wish their dud dates were just like Peter. Then and only then can they get married.
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c m hall
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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This script was slow reading, but I think that it's written with intelligence and sincerity.

It reminds me of a one of those screwball comedies (my favorite genre) from the 1940s -- with Carole Lombard in the role of Clara -- and the pages and pages of dialogue shot back and forth at breakneck speed, that's the way it could work, for me.

The audience can fall in love with Clara and Peter, and they are charming but blundering to the point that we believe they could keep failing to find the way to each others' hearts...  but there's too much detailed descriptions in what the characters do, too little evidence that their emotions are complex and worth understanding.

Peter's character, especially, is seen from the outside, the maze of feelings, hurt pride, etc. seem glossed over,  and his interaction with Clara is, to me, oddly slow, making him seem intellectually curious about Clara rather than drawn to her (if that's the way you want Peter to be perceived then you could play up the "intellectual curiosity" big time, let him be genuinely surprised by the amount of feeling he has for Clara).  
And the grandfather's concern about Clara's happiness doesn't ring true, to me.

On the other hand, there's wit in the writing; the scene with Clara and Peter and the banana in the kitchen is funny and well crafted -- if that kind of energy is put into the next version of the screenplay it could become the gently sweet comedy that I think you intend it to be.

Cathy

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
c m hall  -  February 22nd, 2011, 1:33am
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