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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Coming Off Age Moderators: bert
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  Author    Coming Off Age  (currently 3506 views)
Don
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Coming Off Age by Arijit Bhattacharjya (richard peters) - Comedy - This is a story of 5 mid-twenties jack-the-lads coming of age and how they discover the world of Pick-up artists and develop their skills of seduction. 102 pages - pdf, format


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skp1987
Posted: March 13th, 2011, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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I've only read the first 10 pages but just to give you some quick feedback. you shouldn’t have camera directions in the action, that should be for the director to work out.

and lines like 'He's Swedish and moved to London when he was 12 and apparently he adapted well and call this Home.' Don’t work, screenplays are about showing not telling. what do we see on screen. how do we see that he's Swedish but moved to London when he was 12? details and facts like this should always come out in the dialogue.

hope this helps.
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outtosea
Posted: March 13th, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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And is the title a typo or some kind of play on words that is explained later in the script? If it's a typo, it's probably really bad to have one on your cover page!
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Eoin
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Dear. Firstly, your title, Coming Of Age, I presume?. Don't include abbreviations in your title page. Include a Title Page. I'm guessing by your description that English isn't your first language? This is just WAY too dense with prose. Read a few scripts and learn how to format your work correctly. Cap your character followed by a brief description whe you introduce them first. VICKY ia a  guy? Really? Why would you pick a girls name for a guy? Most people won't read past the first 4 pages. Read as many scripts as you can them go back and reformat your script.
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Andrew
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Eoin,

You must be the most negative person on these boards. Everytime I see your name on the portal and I check for your views they are negative and smarmy - what's the point? Get it together, pal.


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Eoin
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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Quoted from Andrew
Eoin,

You must be the most negative person on these boards. Everytime I see your name on the portal and I check for your views they are negative and smarmy - what's the point? Get it together, pal.


It's nice to have a fan, pal. If I need a conscious, I'll let you know. Are you now a self appointed moderator? So, my review was wrong? You have read all my reviews and they are ALL negative? Seriously, get a life . . .
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Andrew
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Haha. Ok, mate.

Have a good day.


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bert
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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OK, that will be enough nickering about in this thread, thank you.

Dressel is getting worked up about it.  

Don't jump onto this thread unless you are bringing something fresh to the table for this author.

And Mr. Allen -- in Eoin's defense -- you can find a marvelously positive review from him here, post #31:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-feb2011/m-1298675792/s-30/

Just sayin'.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Andrew
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Fair enough, bert. But I stand by my view. It's just a view. Wasn't designed to get Eoin so worked up and exuberant. Anyway, it's such a small and insignificant issue, we can wipe our mouths and move on.


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coplistic
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much agree with everything that's been posted so far... up to and including the feud between allen and eoin, it does make for a good act III break.  All seriousness the script is very hard to read, not so much the content of it, but the descriptions are brutal.  There is a lot of superfluous information that is unneeded that makes it difficult to get in to the story and follow it.  Cut down on the descriptions and camera angles they slow the script down and it essentially will be a directors call.  I agree with Eoin people on the boards wont make it past the first few pages, I was struggling and barely made it to pg 10.
Fortunately these are all correctable issues, just read more scripts and see how others write.
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paul27
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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is this intended for a north american audience... i had a hard time dissecting the dialogue for flow
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RichardPeters
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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guys everyone, EOIN yes you too, first of all thanks a bunch for going through the ten pages, thats way beyond my expectations. I just checked the thread and dint think someone would have already reviewed it, so obviously pleasant surprise. EOIN again spot on, English is not my first language. I am a bollywood screenwriter/filmmaker and having worked my way up  I found there is only so much you can do, in Bollywood. Lets just say am not a huge fan of remaking hollywood stuff, lol. Anyways confession time, I have to give it to you, I have been terribly lousy with the actions and directions in the screenplay. I basically concentrated on the dialogue and planned it way back that would hire a script doctor to help with the directions. So expectedly this is far from the finished article but as COPLISTIC pointed out fortunately they can be worked on.
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RichardPeters
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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However if anyone can ignore the direction errors(although impossible and give it a quick go, the settings and the dialogues reveal the story in Elmore Leonard way. There is a story and its not as bad as the direction. @outtosea its neither mate
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Eoin
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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I understand it's tough writing a screenplay and that fact is compounded in your case by English not being your first language. Yes, there may be a story in your script, it might even be a knock out story. BUT, if your work isn't format correctly and doesn't look someway professional, not may people will brave a read. SO, my advice is to spend some time making this as lean and as READABLE as possible. Simple things can make a huge difference.
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screenrider
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Arijit,

Here's an example of a well-formatted script, written by Dogglebe.   He's one of this sites top dogs, no pun intended.   Study this script, compare the "looks" of it to yours, then try to emulate his style.   It's so easy a monkey can do it!

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1294378234/

Here's another good script.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ThemThatsDead.pdf

And another;
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1300050970/

And another;
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1298739476/

Do your homework!   Hope this helps.
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