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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Out Of His League Moderators: bert
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  Author    Out Of His League  (currently 2104 views)
Don
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Out Of His League by Paul Reynolds - Comedy - A fantasy football guru is recruited to become the G.M of his city's local sad sack pro football franchise.   He brings along his friend/sidekick to navigate the waters as he has to deal with media, prima donna players and other G.M.'s who feel he has no business being there. 102 pages - pdf, format


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Trojan
Posted: March 12th, 2011, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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All sorts of problems going on here. Is the writer around or is feedback going to be a waste of time?
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paul27
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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what kind of problems are you referring to?
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screenrider
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from paul27
what kind of problems are you referring to?


Paul,

You got format problems.   As opposed to telling you what and why,  it'd be better if I just give you an example of a well formatted script, then you can make the comparison for yourself.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1294378234/

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1288405396/

Hope this helps.
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paul27
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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thanks for the links, but I have to tell you I looked at them and compared them to 4 actually produced scripts and all 4 formats were different than the ones you suggested

from what I'm told there should be very little direction, parenthesizing and flow through direction so I am still not sure where you see the formatting problems

I am also using final draft, which I am told is the industry standard

I look forward to your comments
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bert
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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I don't see anything particularly wrong with your format.

Apart from the odd placement of your title -- but that is more likely a function of not being able to figure out that infernal Title page in Final Draft.  

Your aversion to the use of periods is also a bit odd -- but no, it is not like you have huge problems here in terms of format.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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dogglebe
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Paul, all that Final Draft really does is set margins for you.  The bulk of the formatting has to be done by the writer.

For starters, put your name and script title on the title page.

Your headers relay too much information, and the wrong information


Quoted Text
EXT. - CHICAGO COUGAR'S DEN - GAME DAY


should read:  EXT.  CHICAGO COUGAR'S STADIUM - DAY


Quoted Text
EXT. -FIELD OF PLAY - 1PM


should read:  INT.  CHICAGO COUGAR'S STADIUM - FIELD - DAY (or CONTINUOUS)

When I first saw Chicago Cougar Den, I thought it was a bar.  And 'game day' shouldn't be there.  The header should, basically, say whether it's an interior or exterior shot, the location, and whether it's day or night. You don't refer to exact time; if you need the reader to know the time, you show it (not tell it) to us in the description.  Have someone look at the stadium clock, or something.

Notice the hyphens in my header.

Don't tell us that this is the home of the Cougars.  All of your descriptions should be written in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  Showing a lot of POS for the team is a good way of doing it.  Fans in jerseys and face paint will get the point across.

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts, on the boards, and learn how it's done.


Phil

Revision History (1 edits)
dogglebe  -  March 15th, 2011, 6:11pm
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paul27
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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thanks for the comments gentlemen, this was the first script I had written. I have been able to format my other scripts a little more professionally

What I was hoping to get on this forum was some reaction to the actual plot, pace, feel of the movie

Could someone out there please give me their thoughts on the dialogue, plot and whether it "feels" like a feature film

Thanks again
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Dressel
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from paul27

Could someone out there please give me their thoughts on the dialogue, plot and whether it "feels" like a feature film


Paul,

You're more likely to get actual, full reads if you read and comment on other people's work too.  



CHECK OUT MY WEB SERIES

The Pilot is Dead

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screenrider
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from paul27
thanks for the comments gentlemen, this was the first script I had written. I have been able to format my other scripts a little more professionally

What I was hoping to get on this forum was some reaction to the actual plot, pace, feel of the movie

Could someone out there please give me their thoughts on the dialogue, plot and whether it "feels" like a feature film

Thanks again


I read the first fifteen pages.   Dialogue is good.   Hank Briscoe has potential to be a great antagonist.   Unfortunately I don't have time to read on.  I'd highly recommend you clean this thing up, fix the errors (there's tons of them) then resubmit it.    Also, do some reads/reviews as others have already suggested.   For what it's worth I imagined Jeremy Piven playing the role of Hank.  It worked!    Sorry I can't be more help.   Too busy.

All the best
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QLavelle2002
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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I read your script. I really liked the premise and the story. But, there are a lot of formatting problems in your script but I'm learning those too. So, don't feel bad at all. You have to learn that you can't put "CUT TO" on dialogue or scenes, just like I'm learning I can't write shot selections in my scripts.

You introduce the characters at the right times and provide some good laughs. This has bona fide movie potential. It's definitely marketable if it's rewritten. I can see somebody like Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, John Cusack, or Mark Wahlberg playing the main character. Also, check out my script "Down Home Blues" in the Action/Adventure section.
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donb036
Posted: April 7th, 2011, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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I started reading it and I like it. I am a huge sports nerd, and a sucker for sports movies, so this is my style. Read 25 pages, and to be honest, haven't found anything really funny yet. The dialogue is good, and crisp and it totally reminds me of a Will Ferrell movie, which is huge, because if/when you submit it to Studios, they want to attach a star to the movie, because very rarely is a movie a hit with no stars in it. I like your style too, keep writing
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Trojan
Posted: April 7th, 2011, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from paul27
what kind of problems are you referring to?


Sorry Paul, I hadn't seen that you had replied to my initial post. Okay I'll point out some of the problems that I noticed.

Template title page left blank = amateur
Title and author's name written on first page = amateur
Game Day in first scene heading  = amateur
Half your sentences missing periods = amateur
1PM in your scene header and wrongly spaced hyphen = amateur
Characters not CAPPED when introduced = amateur
Fans in the Stand in scene header = amateur
CUT TO: = generally not a good idea in a spec screenplay
4 hours later in scene header = amateur
Explaining the reason for action (throwing eggs) can't be filmed = amateur

Okay this is just the very first page. Imagine everything that would come up in 100 pages. Some things you will learn by reading professional scripts and screenwriting books. Other things just scream lazy (not using periods at the end of your sentences). When you submit work here, effectively you are saying it is completed to the best of your ability and you want feedback. But if it has such glaring errors it comes across as though you haven't spent any time proofreading it yourself and as a reader I know that I will be in for a very tough read. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Tim.
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paul27
Posted: April 29th, 2011, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Trojan

Thanks for the comments on formatting. I believed I could have the spec script cleaned up later and that they would simply go for the dialogue and plot. I will be working on cleaning this up

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