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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pitch and Catch Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 15th, 2011, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pitch and Catch by Hanlinh Tran - Comedy, Romantic - no logline  93 pages - pdf, format


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kingcooky555
Posted: November 15th, 2011, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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I opened the script. I expected a play about baseball and got into it for the next couple of pages, even with the blocks of text/dialogue. However, I felt cheated later on as those pages (1-2) were the only thing about baseball.

Lynn was introduced in page 15 and there was no description about her except that she was "beautiful." A little more description would help. It's important in her case because she's a major character.

I didn't get the need for the Flashback on page 4-5. Can't you just go from the game to the hospital and then fast forward to the future? That flashback insert there just didn't seem right.

The slug lines had no "Day" or "Night" except in the beginning.

In some scenes, it feels like the characters are just talking in a vacuum. You have all this dialogue, and all they do is sit on a bench or coffee bar. It's like talk radio.

I stopped reading around page 20 or so because there was little to no conflict between Lynn and Dan. He just met this girl, who I assume is his age. Then she just invites him back to drink more coffee and he just relents. At this point, I got the sense that he's been living like a hermit. He even said no to Chase when he mentioned checking out a sorority place. I just don't get why Dan would just roll over to this girl, who I know very little about at this moment. Ditto for the girl - why Dan?

Maybe, you have more answers later on but I didn't go further. I checked the pages around page 50 and near the end. It's close to the same. Add a little more description/action. Different locations (coffee bar, cashier, parks just seem too generic). Make it less radio talk. Maybe more baseball moments and/or more conflict. Good luck.
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conwall
Posted: November 16th, 2011, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Han.

No log line?  Well, I guess that's one way to approach it.

Just opened it to see if it was formatted like a 2nd-grader, but it looked good.  

I read the first few pages and had to write something that occured to me immediately.  Why does the hospital call the coach?  How do they even know the number?  Wouldn't it be better if the kid is on the mound, and a couple of cop cars roll up on the scene with lights flashing.  Kid is trying to concentrate but the cops are talking to the coach, and the coach is pointing at him.  Something like that?  Half the crowd is more concerned about the cops than they are about the game.  blah blah blah.

That way we cover the same plot points but with more engaging visuals.  Anyway, I didn't get further than that.  Just a quick thought.


Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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