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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Amateurs Moderators: bert
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  Author    Amateurs  (currently 2409 views)
Don
Posted: December 24th, 2011, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Amateurs by Kevin Bicharr T - Comedy - With his life on the line, inexperienced Victor persuades his friends into robbing a bank. They turn to a local thug (Sunny) for help, but find themselves swayed into an unknown scheme of his. But the robbery doesn’t go as planned for both parties, ensuing in a hilarious cat and mouse chase.  116 pages - doc, format


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Forgive
Posted: May 26th, 2012, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Kevin. Maybe you've been watching too many movies. And in your spare time inventing your own format. Nothing wrong with that, but there's a ready made variety that been tried 'n' tested, and working just fine.

There's a story here, and quite a lot, I think the story is good in your mind and filmable - but it's just such a spaced out read ... I can't see this really getting far without a re-write.

Try Celtx or Trelby too - they'll help you out.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 27th, 2012, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Way wordy but an interesting intro that I am curious about. The wordiness and format slow down the reading.

Try something like:

EXT. AUTO WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

FOUR THIRTY-SOMETHING MEN run, panicked,..because guard dogs chase them.

One man trips and face plants. This is DUSTIN, a short beer-gutted white guy.

MARCUS, black and dressed casual chic, skids to a stop and goes for Dustin.

                                                KEVIN
                                                (V.O.)
                     These are my boys, Marcus and Dustin.

Marcus yanks Justin up and they scramble away.

Ahead of them are KEVIN (narrating), an average white dude, and VICTOR, an uber fit corporate white guy in smart clothes.

Off Victor...

                                                KEVIN
                                                (V.O.)
                     This is Victor. He's one of my boys, too, but if
                     I survive this, I may just have to kill him.

The dogs close on the quartet.

                                                KEVIN
                                                (V.O.)
                     Why are we ten seconds from being premium dog food?
                     All I can say is friendship is a fucked up bond.

FLASH BACK

EXT. SCHOOL PLAY GROUND – 1983 - DAY

A sea of white kids at play.

A huge FAT KID knocks a little girl off a swing and takes her place.

In a nearby sand box, YOUNG KEVIN, YOUNG MARCUS, and YOUNG DUSTIN look on.

Dustin sniffs sand. Marcus slaps at Dustin. Kevin picks at his braces.

YOUNG VICTOR, skinny and wearing glasses, steps up and shoves the fat kid.

                                                YOUNG VICTOR
                     She was there before you! Get off the swing!

Fat Kid halts the swing and stands, towering over Victor.

AT THE SAND BOX

                                                YOUNG KEVIN
                     This won't be good.

Marcus and Dustin GRUNT with agreement.

AT THE SWING

Victor punches Fat Kid in the belly. Fat Kid grabs Victor and hoists him overhead, holds, then throws Victor to the ground. Victor's glasses fall away.

The Fat Kid walks off, his first step squashes Victor's glasses.

The three boys gather around Victor and look down at him.

Dustin is the first to reach down to Victor, then they all reach down.
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