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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Nakation Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nakation  (currently 1293 views)
Don
Posted: February 12th, 2012, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nakation by Marvin K. Perkins - Comedy - Mike, Raphael, Rex and Brittany four co-workers embark on a routine vacation to a destination where all the guests are totally nude. What they encounter on their journey is  way more than they could have imagined.  Their plane crashes after the explosion of a terrorist’s  underwear bomb and they find themselves stranded in a Louisiana swamp.  They have a  close  encounter with an alligator, a run in with shot gun toting  inbred swamp dweller and an altercation at a redneck diner along their journey. But all’s well that ends well as the group all  find true love.          90 pages - pdf, format


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 12th, 2012, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Marvin K...

Yeah i remember when you threw this one up in the WIP thread, maybe a year ago.  I also remember another script you posted and you never went back to acknowledge the two people who actually commented on it.  I wont make any promises that i'll finish this one... but I'm reading atleast the first act.

Still reading... some initial thoughts --. that logline needs a lot of work.  Nothing about it entices me to go on, but I march to the beat of a different drum.  Not too mention you're giving too much away.  For instance, page #11, the "African,"yeah I already know he's the underwear bomber.  Give that joker a name too.  This feels like a spoof almost.  You got the normal cliche characters, the pretty girl, a black guy, Latino, and a nerd.  Okay, fair enough.  To your credit, if I where to close my eyes and hear them all speak, I could distinguish Mike from the others for sure, so that's good.  Some of the dialogue needs to be tweaked, like the exchange between Lex and his mother.  It doesn't sit well at the moment.  Just throwing it out there, i mean Lex is a nerd, right...?  Instead of what he's watching,I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, but if it were me, I probably would have him busting a gut, eating Gummi bears, and watching "Revenege of the Nerds," on the tube.

That's it for the moment... I'll be back to edit this post.  

Back again... Your writing has improved for sure, but some spots need work.  Direct your attention to page#13,  maybe go with, "The seat belt light goes out.  PASSENGERS head for the lavatory, more stretch, blah, blah,"thinking off  the cuff here.  And before that, the exterior shot of the plane.  I'd probably re-work that into one line.

More on the nose dialogue on page#13.  Nervously is becoming redundant.  We get it.  Look for alternatives.

Page#14, you have the African praying, fair enough.  Then you hit that mini slug (LATER).  Cool, on that very next line, i'd get rid of "through praying," and pick up with him jumping up out of his seat.  Okay, no more of that stuff.  But things are pretty predictable and at this point.

Side note;  speaking of him, I'll playing along here, but... after hearing some of the horror stories about those TSA agent, he'd be hard pressed i think to get any type of explosives onto a plane, let alone, him being really nervous would send red flags up.

You've got a lot of cliches in here.  After they crash land, some of the dialogue just seems a bit silly, more then it should.  Try and trim some of the banter for sure.  The thing with pieces like this, you lack a central character.  JMHO.  I was expecting just our foursome, but you have a butt-load of other passengers in the mix now.

Okay, I'm done with the first act.  Some of your writing has fallin' off the more we get into this.  The young boy have more then a few lines, I'd give him a name too.  I think you spend too much time with these guys trying to hook up with Mary Lou.  The F-Bomb, consider cutting back.  You have a huge run on sentence on page# 27.  In the world of screenwriting, fragmented sentences are your bestfriend.  Note:  Mary Lou's father.  You have him a good voice.  You gave him some of the better lines.  The shot gun wedding.  I got a kick out of that.

Some typos, nothing tripped me up, except when they encounter the gator, Rex's dialogue cue is out of synch.  Not too mention, gators can come on land.  I'm surprised this one didn't, maybe he does later on.  I'm getting sort of a Lost vibe.

So far this one is a mixed bag for me.  You say this is comedy, I got a few chuckles, I'm trying to find a pulse in "Nakation," and I can't at the moment.  It's like the blind leading the blind here.  The problem with so many characters is the majority of writers don't make it clear who we should focus on.  You going for an ensemble cast...?

Let me simmer on the first act, and I'll be back to edit my post in a day or two.


EDIT:  Back again. If this was a gore-comedy, okay, but It's not.  No, there's no blood, fair enough, but I believe when you throw trajedy in the mix, well it gets unfunny real fast.  Maybe re-consider not having anyone die in the plane crash.  Matter of fact, maybe make it a red-eye, or a flight with very few passengers.  

Yeah I know they crashed in the backwoods of Louisiana,  but I still can't believe it would go unnoticed, if not right away, then soon after.  Maybe consider a strange island.  But the more I think about it, maybe consider getting rid of the plane crash all together.

Like I said, I only read up to page#28.  And I'm no expert on comedy, but this is JMHO. if you're going for a comedy vibe as broad as Nakation appears, again in MHO, make sure the jokes pay off.  A lot of them felt flat to me.

Good Luck,

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


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_ghostwriters  -  February 13th, 2012, 10:11pm
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