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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Making A Rascal Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 10th, 2012, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Making A Rascal by Troy Oates (thechillman) - Comedy - A behind the scenes look at the movie remake of a classic TV show. However, due to their contracts the two original stars are obligated to appear. The first - a successful movie star reluctant to participate, and the second - an "off the rails" primadonna looking to restart his failing career. 138 pages - pdf, format


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thechillman
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey peeps,

This is my script. Took me a year to write - on and off. Have been trying to make an effort to read and review others scripts, but my hectic schedule of work seems to hate me.

Anyway, hope you enjoy Making A Rascal.
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gridlockd
Posted: July 29th, 2012, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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If I may, a few thoughts on the quick look I took.

Most would say 138 is crazy long for a comedy. Heck, it's long for a drama. Nowadays, the max for a comedy is around 110. I don't make the rules but that's one of them. Fortunately for you, there's plenty you can cut. The first 3 pages is you basically transcribing the lyrics to "Ballroom Biltz" by Sweet. Bad move. This is YOUR script. Let's hear from you. The first 10 pages are crucial and your wasting them with song lyrics. It's a great song, but we all know that already. Just tell us they're performing a song, which one doesn't really matter. If you're trying to tell us something about the band itself, all you've told me is that they're derivitive. Maybe that's the point. But in any case, a writer in the first ten pages should be eager to tell his story. This feels like filler, right up front, in an already long script. Red flag. Same when the characters do a scene from the movie "Chopper."

Your very first stage direction is confusing right off the bat. "INT. CLUB HALLWAY"

Where are we? WHEN are we? Is it 1am on a Friday Night or 2pm on a Tuesday? Big difference. All you say is that "The hallway is bare." Where is this hallway? In a building? What kind of building? A club? You mean a night club? A supper club? Club sandwich? We need more description.  I assume it's a night club because we go on to meet a band. Is that the club name? "Club Hallway?" It should be written out like this:

INT. CLUB ENVY - HALLWAY - NIGHT
A trendy night club, jam packed on a Saturday night. In one of the back hallways, we find four figures, barely visible in the inadequate light...

Everything's gotta be super clear right up front. Also, I'd try to lose the NOTE:s from the author. There's two on the very first page. 'SO AND SO will be referred to as SO AND SO.' Makes it read like I'm being given instructions instead of being pulled into a story.

Hope that helps. Good luck.  



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gridlockd  -  July 30th, 2012, 1:21am
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gridlockd
Posted: July 29th, 2012, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Also, reading a bit further, so far, it's a lot of people talking AT us. Feels like I'm watching TV, not a movie. And the worst kind of TV; "Entertainment Tonight." It's been almost 20 pages of this. Though, I did like the joke about Happy Days being the first movie with a laugh track. There's some good stuff in here, it just really needs to be streamlined to only the essential info.



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gridlockd  -  July 30th, 2012, 1:22am
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