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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Dropped Call Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 6th, 2012, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dropped Call by Buddy Baron - Comedy - "Teen finds 007's Cellphone" A smart, geeky teen is nuts for a pretty girl as Prom time approaches.  While being beaten up by school bullies in an alley...a cell phone falls --almost literally-- into his lap.  But this is no ordinary phone, it's a million dollar piece of gear assigned to a top secret agent. 98 pages - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: July 14th, 2012, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Buddy,

started to take a look at this -- not really my sort of thing genre wise (teen fantasy/comedy?) but it starts out with a good pace with likable characters in Russell and Todd (fun dialogue and one liners in there).  Think you hit the right tone with the audience your aiming for.  

Although I did get the impression from Russell's dialogue that he was younger than 17.  In particular the bullying he receives from Randy (might want to revise having two characters names starting with an R) came across as a little out of place for older teens -- maybe just me though.    

Some might pick up on some of your format preferences (slugs in particular) and around p.22 the 'negotiation scene' things seem like they're slipping a bit on the action/description -- like you're rushing to get ahead.

Still interested to see where it goes regarding the 'Guardian' concept.  Taking a few notes as I go -- let me know if you're around, I'll keep reading.

Steve.    


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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kitsilano99
Posted: August 23rd, 2012, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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That pitch alone will get attention in Hollywood!   It's a great premise!
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 23rd, 2012, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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First 11 pages are good. Very hi-concept commercial. Don't know why, but gives me a tone of CLOAK and DAGGER, which for me is good.

First eleven pages...double descriptions of characters along with (think John Doe) were distracting. I get it already, don't force me. Sometimes it's the little things that make the difference from good and great.

The bad guys searching with a scanner is brilliant. Sets up the chase.

We'll see if you have legs beyond the first 11.
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