SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 24th, 2020, 8:45am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Lake Moose Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Lake Moose  (currently 9343 views)
StevenClark
Posted: June 2nd, 2013, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2280
Posts Per Day
0.80
**Author's Note**
This is the revised edition.  I want to thank all of the commentors above for your help!  Your advice was definitely helpful in the revision.
Also, the 1. at the top of page one is not a page number.  It's a step, and I can't seem to get rid of it.  If anyone has Script It! and knows the secret please drop me a line.
Regards,
Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 38
CoreyB
Posted: June 8th, 2013, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
6
Posts Per Day
0.00
Steve,

I didn't get a chance to read this before you made your revisions but the first ten pages provided an entertaining read. Always a good thing.

If I had to make a suggestion I would say don't bother using POV in a spec script. It's not unforgivable but usually you don't want to include camera directions in spec. Just focus on storytelling.

Example: Instead of "Doug - POV" use "Doug watches out the window. Sees May drive off with her friends."

No biggie though.

I will give you some more feedback once I read a bit further. I'm guessing you're taking a Vacation/Great Outdoors approach based on your logline and the first ten pages. So far it's humorous. Good sign.


"That's the trailer right there." - Tropic Thunder
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 38
Forgive
Posted: June 9th, 2013, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1383
Posts Per Day
0.36
Hey Steve - not sure if you're still around, but this was an interesting piece. Didn't read it all, just looked at some of the technical aspects. You've clearly got some of this on top, so it made me wonder how long you've been writing? Dialogue comes off well, so you seem to have a good hand there.

Also read fairly quick - action lines were fairly short, and felt well fitted.

I had some issues with your visuals, though:

DOUG (42), ... cooks eggs. ... flips an egg errantly into the air, snatches it with his hand.
-- are you sure he catches it with his hand? I don't quite figure that.
-- 2nd, Doug is bopping, so I'd have: Doug, bopping at the stove ... etc.

He picks up each cat one by one and puts them on the floor.
-- this is really 'novel' writing, not screen-writing. It's a minor, but you lose visual impact:
A cat JUMPS onto the countertop. Then another, and yet another.
-- you wrote they got on like that, so you need to write him taking them off like that - or just one as an example.

MAY (18), beautiful, carefully applies lipstick in the mirror.

JUNE (40), attractive, professional attire, brushes her hair. She finds a gray and yanks it out. Scrunches her face.

-- The latter is the the more visual. But is she too, looking in a mirror?

Regarding the inter-cut - people sometimes have different opinions, but you've associated the inter-cut with the characters - my understanding is that you inter-cut locations.

Like I say - I didn't read all of this, but it's got a good feel to it - are you still revising it?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 38
StevenClark
Posted: June 9th, 2013, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2280
Posts Per Day
0.80
Hey guys,
Corey, thanks for the advice on the POV.  I was a little hesitant while writing that, and wasn't sure if it was needed.  It happens later in the script with binoculars, so I'll go back to that as well.

SiColl007,
Sorry, don't know your name.  Yes, Doug does catch the egg with his hand.  I should've had him saying, "Ow, ow, ow, ow!"
Appreciate the feedback on the character descriptions, too.  It def makes sense.
One commentor mentioned the intercut and suggested I do it like this, no mention about different locales, so I probably leave that the way it is.
And thanks for the compliments!  I'm fairly new to screenwriting, but SS has really helped bring me along.
I'm currently working on something else, so not revising right now.  Gonna wait it out, take some notes.  Thanks for yours!  If you have anything up you'd like me to have a look at, just let me know!
Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 38
Eoin
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 7:20am Report to Moderator
Regular


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Steve,

I gave your first 10 pages a read.

Your opening, needs a really solid hook.

You use a cliche opening I have seen in a lot of spec screenplays and it goes pretty much like this:

Show the suburb.

Show the family getting out of bed.

Show someone cooking breakfast - eggs seem to be a popular choice.

Show the attractive daughter and misfit son.

Show the parent heading off to work and kids going to school.

This and the alarm clock/shower opening, to me, are a no no. I'm sure a professional screenplay reader has nightmares about this opening sequence.

Start your scenes late, finish early.

Why don't you open with the family on vacation?

Kind regards,

Eoin
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 38
Manowar
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
New England
Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey, Steve. Made it to page 36 before I stopped.

First off, since others have already pointed out the format miscues, I'll avoid that part, except that I have to say I'm not sure why you have a couple of instances of back-to-back dialogue blocks by the same character. Why break them apart instead of keeping it as one dialogue block? I assume maybe in your edit(s) you eliminated other dialogues that separated the two from the same character and neglected to form them into one?

As for the story, you have some cute moments and some descent funny lines--but nothing that made me laugh out loud. That's not necessarily a bad thing since a lot of comedies I've seen lately are more cute than laugh-out-loud funny. They can still work into a successful story--if you give the reader/audience member something to latch onto. The intro, as mentioned before showed the family in a mundane situation for far too long--this can work if you make the making of breakfast more strange or funny than it currently is

In that regard I can't agree more with the poster who mentioned a lack of conflict. You have a long setup of the family with some fairly funny episodes and lines, but nothing really grabbed me about it, gave me a reason to anticipate something interesting was to come. Having Doug lament that he may be losing his girl is decent, but not enough. You may want to explore possibly having Doug trying to sabotage his daughter's decidsion to move away, and--somehow--this family trip might be his ploy to somehow convince her that she would be better served atttending a college closer to home. And in the end, after hilarity and epiphanies ensue, Doug realizes his girl should go where she wants. Just throwing that out there.

The comedy, like I said, is okay, but nothing pants-splitting. Your dialogue is pretty good though your overuse of onomatopoeias (maybe not the most precise word to describe this?) got a little annoying, like when a character says "uggh" or "whoo" or "awhh" or "oohh" or something to that effect. Also, sometimes you bury the punchline, as in, too much dialogue to respond to the setup of a joke, like when June mentions Doug's mistake at their daughter's camp, he responds with: "That was five years ago. Besides, I was cleared of those charges." It would be much funnier, and convey the same idea if you trimmed it to just:  "I was cleared of those charges."

Once you clear up small things like that and tighten up the bigger issues of format and conflict, I think you'll have a "cute" funny movie that could be very heart-warming. I'm thinking in terms of the "Vacation" franchise, though after re-watching the first movie of that franchise earlier this spring for the first time in decades, I didn't enjoy it like I did when I was a teenager in the 80s--too cornball, not really that funny. Your beginning has somewhat similar beats, and with the advantage of looking over what has worked and what hasn't in similar movies from the past (ie, "Vacation") I think you could have something very enjoyable here, even if it's more cute than funny.

Just my opinion. Do with it what you will and good luck with your story.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 38
StevenClark
Posted: June 17th, 2013, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2280
Posts Per Day
0.80
Eoin,
Thanks for taking a look. That's a brilliant suggestion--about starting out on vacation. I know that my opening is too long, but I think I might have thought of a way to cut it down and make it more entertaining. Thanks!
Manowar,
Thanks so much for your detailed notes and for going as far as you did. I agree. Not really laugh out loud, but rather more cute. Hopefully there are some humorous scenes! Maybe you just didn't get to them yet. Problem is, it takes a while for this story to get going. Close to page 30 is when they finally end up at the resort, and that's kinda long for the story to take off. Later in the story she falls for a shady rich kid named Kyle. He is more the antagonist, but he needs to enter the story way earlier than I have him. The conflict of Doug losing his daughter is the main issue, which is further accentuated when she meets this Kyle fella. I think I need to focus more on him because Doug's feelings don't seem to make a good antagonist. However, I do like your suggestion regarding Doug's attempt at sabotage. That makes sense as well.
Appreciate all the feedback, guys. Thanks!
Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 38
Dreamscale
Posted: June 17th, 2013, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11421
Posts Per Day
2.41
Steven, I haven't read this, but I did read the feedback - yeah, I know...I seem to be doing this backwards...sorry.

I do want to comment on the feedback regarding POV's.  As I always say, a POV is definitely not necessary, but if done correctly and for a reason, there's nothing wrong with a few here and there.

When writing a POV, make sure you include only what is seen in the POV, nothing else.  Also, always make sure to correctly begin and end your POV, so it's clear exactly what you intend to show onscreen.  A POV can really add to the visuals, but only when it makes a definite difference in "the view" being seen.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 38
Ledbetter
Posted: June 17th, 2013, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey man,

As promised, I started on this today and wanted to give a few thoughts on it.

First off, you writing is very clean and you know your way around structure. Those make reading so much better for the reader.

Don’t expect me to point out grammar errors. I’m the worst speller in the world. I usually like to give general thoughts on style especially when it comes to comedy.

If comedy is good, it’s the best read in town. If it’s bad, it’s like taking a dental drill to yourself.

You write some pretty good comedy.

I chuckled at the “One house stands out” line. I could picture a massive home with legs…

I know that wasn’t what you meant, but the visual was funny.

Catching a frying egg is gonna flucking hurt man. Is there a reason he did this?

A cat JUMPS onto the countertop. Then another, and yet
another.

I know the answer after reading further but, the way this is laid out, you could see it either way. Either the cat jumps from one counter to another or do several cats jump up?

It should be tightened up some here.

Okay, I’m at page 8 and have a couple of thoughts. You haven’t gotten me to the story yet. You could start right here with the story and intro the kids later and it would make no difference at all.

As it stands now, I’m coming up to the 10 page mark with no story direction.

Also, on page 8, you have a missed opportunity for a great start to the story. He walks in, his back thrown out, the nurse’s watch on CCTV and you simply explain he looks like he getting butt flucked.

This is a great site joke that you need to hammer out my friend. Don’t rush through it. Build it up and make it funny, then hilarious.

Here’s what I mean-

***Here’s what you have-

A group of nurses watch the B&W video feed. It looks like
Doug is getting butt flucked.

These are just some examples of how I like to draw out the situation.

PRINCESS
So your back is out again?

DOUG
Yeah, but I have an appoint…

She reaches around his waist from behind.

Princess
We need to loosen your belt first.

DOUG
No, you know what, I really don’t feel

She reaches around to un-hook his belt, gyrating against his a$$ as they stumble. He steadies himself against the wall.

PRINCESS
There we go. Now to get that wallet out of your back pocket. Don’t wanna hurt my stomach.

His pants start to droop a bit.

As she reaches for his wallet, it looks as though Princess is lining herself up from behind to butt fluck Doug.

Princess wraps her arms around Doug.

The nurses glance at each other and then lean into the monitor for a better look.

She pounds him from behind in an attempt to get his back straight.

Doug let’s out a feminine squeal as Princess heaves repeatedly with her arms around Doug.

DOUG
It’s almost there

PRINCESS
I don’t think it’ll give.

She straightens him out as they both slam against the wall.

DOUG
Oh, God!

Anyway…sorry, I was rambling.

But you see what I mean?

Take that one line, and smear it across the page like peanut butter.

I’m gonna read some more over the next week. Sorry if it takes me time to respond. I have a huge workload right now and a lot of travel.

For first knee jerk reaction is to tell you to start at both of their professions and squeeze the kids in over the next few pages after that.

You have to get the primary hook in the water fast, especially with comedy in order to move the pages foreword.

I’ll get back with more notes as I can.


Take care man

Shawn…..><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 23 - 38
StevenClark
Posted: June 17th, 2013, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2280
Posts Per Day
0.80
Dreamscale (Phil?)
Yeah, the POV's been a thorn in my side.  It appears on pg 2 or 3, and the more it gets mentioned, the more unnecessary it seems.  I don't know.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.  Thanks for the input!

Shawn,
Jeez!  Your dialogue example of Doug and Princess had me on the floor.  The example was not wasted, as I totally see your point about running with a site gag.
-Doug catches the egg simply because he didn't want it to end up on the floor.  Don't know if it visualizes funny, but...
-the cats were mentioned by someone else, too.  Needs to be clearer, I think.
This def has some pacing issues.  Many people have mentioned that.  I have a few ideas to correct that, or to make the breakfast scene a bit more interesting.
Thanks again,
Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 38
Ledbetter
Posted: June 23rd, 2013, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Steve,

I just wanted to let you know I am still on this one. I've been out of town all week and pretty much slept this weekend away....but love every horizonal minute of it.

I should have some more notes over in the next couple of days.

Take care buddy

Shawn.....>,
Logged
e-mail Reply: 25 - 38
Ledbetter
Posted: July 6th, 2013, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Steve,

Sorry for the delay. I was givin another department to oversee in my company and it has pretty much sucked all of my time up. I’m gonna give you some broad strokes here on some of the things I noticed here.

First off, you have a good hand for comedy.    It’s the toughest genre to write hands down and you either have it or you don’t. You have it!

My primary bitch is the same I mentioned in my first review. You need to massage the joke out a bit and have some fun with it.

It’s easy to write what you see in your head, and to the writer it sounds funny but writing it so that another reader thinks it’s funny is a big challenge. Take your time, draw it out and make the scenes you have pop. That means trimming the scenes tha don’t have to do with the story.

Another little thing I noticed was some of your scene positions were a bit off.

Example-
EXT. LAKE MOOSE - DAY

May's on her skis in the water. Kyle sits with the BOAT DRIVER (20).
                          KYLE
                    Here we go, May.
The boat takes off. May lifts up. She's water skiing. Wobbly at first, but otherwise okay.

                       BOAT DRIVER
           Hey, dude, she's hot. Where'd you meet her?

Here you have two scenes taking place within the same scene. This could really do with a MINI-SLUG.

LIKE-

EXT. LAKE MOOSE - DAY

May's waits on her skis in the water.

BOAT
Kyle sits with the BOAT DRIVER (20).
                          KYLE
                    Here we go, May.

LAKE
The boat takes off. May lifts up. She's water skiing. Wobbly at first, but otherwise okay.

                      

BOAT
The boat driver looks to Kyle.
                            BOAT DRIVER
           Hey, dude, she's hot. Where'd you meet her?

See what I mean. It separates the scene to make sense of the surroundings.

Then there are little narrative things like-

THE INSTRUCTOR
suddenly turns. Narrow eyes throw daggers at Wayne.

I’m not sure why it’s formatted this way, but it doesn’t seem right.

I think-

The instructor suddenly turns. Narrow eyes throw daggers at Wayne.

Works just fine

Also to insert an image-

Brian's shirt: a bent over demon, flames shooting from its
asshole.

You’ll want to format like…

They look at Brian’s shirt.

INSERT IMAGE: A bent over demon, flames shooting from its
asshole.

BACK TO SCENE:


I know I already mentioned it but here is another (among many) examples of where you need to pull out the scene to make it funny(er)

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE-

Doug on a water board attempting tricks. SHARP turn.
Saturates a family in a row boat. Apologizes. Inadvertantly
ski's up a ramp and becomes airborne.
Two TEENS on shore watch in amazement.
TEEN #1
Whoa, look at that dude!
Doug FLIES through the air. Loses control. SMASHES face first
in the water. DEAD MAN'S FLOAT.
Boat pulls up. Life preserver CLOCKS him in the head.


So much potential here- Just work it a bit.

Doug stumbles through some horribly attempted tricks attesting to the fact he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He cuts deep into the water hooking around and pummels a nearby family on shore with a wall of water.

Not paying attention, he looks over to the family.

                           DOUG
                   Hey…Sorry bout that.

Only to go straight up a ramp at 50 miles an hour. Flailing like a one winged turkey, he squeals-

                           DOUG
                         Aaaahhhh…..

Two TEENS on shore watch in amazement.
                          TEEN #1
                     Fuckin grown ups.

Like a meteor entering the atmosphere, Doug slams into the water, ricocheting across it like a rock on a pond.

All is calm-

Until he slowly surfaces like a face down floater.

That’s a bad example but you see what I mean. Comedy is VERY visual.

Anyway, those were some of the things I wanted to bring up. The story is sound, the writing is very good and if you revisit this and play with those scenes and let the absurdity come out, you will have something very special here.

It already has good bones my friend.

Best of luck and again sorry for the delay. Thanks for letting me give it a read.

Take care

Shawn……<







Logged
e-mail Reply: 26 - 38
StevenClark
Posted: July 7th, 2013, 9:21am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2280
Posts Per Day
0.80
Shawn,
Thanks for your notes.  No prob with the delay.  We all have lives that we must attend to.

With every new comment I gain further insight into structure, storytelling, etc.  A reminder of how much I need to learn.  But like you said, the "bones" are already there, it's just the flesh around it that needs some work!  Totally understand and appreciate that.

For any other writers around here, and i've seen a few, who have taken criticism a little too hard, the best advice you can get is to read other's scripts.  Read and learn.  It really is THE best advice.

Anyway, Lake Moose was written around one central joke, Shawn.  That was May's graduation party where Doug belly flopped into the pool and electrocuted his brother -- in an earlier draft it was a Barbershop Quartet!  The rest of the story had to fall around that scene.  It could be why other commentors here took issue with the pacing, and the lack of an inciting incident.  Needless to say, it was not written in the conventional way most of us are accustomed to, but...

I digress.  There are some ideas to improve flow, pacing, etc. that I have thought of.  Those will def make it into the next draft.  As will your "pulling out the joke" advice.  I mean, after all, it is a comedy.  It needs to read a bit more like one!

Thanks again!  And if anyone round here wants a read-for-read, just let me know.  I'd be happy to oblige.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 38
ChuckZiegler
Posted: July 31st, 2013, 11:49am Report to Moderator
New-ish


R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Location
New York. NY
Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey Steve, new to SS and Moose Lake was one of the first I wanted to read. What can I add that hasn't already been pointed out. My only thought is have you ever considered calling it LAKE MOOSE? That may be part of the "comedy" letting people know that what they are about to see is a comedy. Not too many lakes are presented that way. Can't imagine calling Lake Michigan...Michigan Lake. Not a big deal at all, just seeing how you fee about that? Really enjoyed it though! Chuck
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 38
StevenClark
Posted: July 31st, 2013, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2280
Posts Per Day
0.80
Chuck,

Umm, it is called Lake Moose. Perhaps just an oversight on your part. No prob, though!

Anyway, welcome to the boards and thanks for taking the time to comment on my script. Much appreciated! I'll make sure to take a look at yours real soon and give you some feedback.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 38
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006