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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Where The Hell Is My Daughter? Moderators: bert
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  Author    Where The Hell Is My Daughter?  (currently 1468 views)
Don
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Where The Hell Is My Daughter? by Farzin Youabian (farzin123y) - Comedy - A woman frequent night club can not decide whom she loves but finally she would live up with her expectations. 111 pages - pdf, format


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Gary Howell
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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This can't be serious.   Honestly, I read it for about 10 pages just because it was so hilariously bad.

Dude, Farzin, I don't mean to be too harsh, but there are so many things wrong with this it really is comical.  Formatting is all wrong, no action sequences, or where there are they are done incorrectly, grammatical issues, etc.  I really have to believe that English is not your first language, and so I would suggest you do two things: first, finds some properly written scripts and learn the formatting rules, such as page numbering and how to write a slug and so forth.  Second, keep writing, using these scripts as a guide on how to structure your story, use dialogue convincingly (none of your actors speak in a convincing way--is this the way you think people actually talk?).  And don't stop writing.  You can get better if you keep working at it.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Farzin,

I gave this a little look after seeing Gary's post above. I have to admit that I did get a few chuckles but it was for all the wrong reasons buddy.

Especially liked how Mike called characters by their job description "Hi doorman" Was the other guy actually called Amigo?

All I can do is echo what Gary said. Read some scripts and learn the basics of how to properly format a script. Have a friend read your script before posting to try and tidy up the mass amounts of grammatical problems throughout.

And most importantly, keep writing.

Best of luck to you.

Steve
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Ex_R_AY
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Farzin,

Buddy. Jeez.

Just reiterating what Gary and Coop said. The story is... Non-existant. I tried to read it, assuming (not meant to be insulting) that your grasp on the English language is pretty loose and thats why the spelling and format was so off. So I read about 30 to 40 pages in before I had to stop.

That having been said, All Syntax, format and spelling errors aside. The story is pretty hollow.

The characters are vapid and one dimensional. Throughout the 30 to 40 pages I read the ONLY development, was a guy with cheesy one liners and robotic conversational skills harasses a girl in front of her boyfriend because "He's a jerk, and I have a Mercedes-Benz" And from what I read he had a girlfriend as well. The narrative is confusing at best and lacks any discernible character development.

I recommend a complete overhaul and perhaps having someone read it and help you with smooth english dialogue, as all of the dialogue had the emotion of a robot reading a dictionary.

You do however seem to have a passion of writing about the hollywood club scene which is pretty cool. I thing if you focus on getting help with the dialogue and the formatting you could make something that I'm sure you are envisioning but aren't able to express.

Good luck man!

Andrew
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