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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Get Some Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Get Some by Joey Craig - Comedy - A gutless pickup artist and a charmless mixed martial artist team up to battle their weaknesses and arrogant bullies in an attempt to score two gorgeous women way out of their league. 109 pages - pdf, format


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insider901
Posted: February 21st, 2013, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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Okay, read the first 10 pages. You have a lot of this sort of thing going on:

Across from Brayden sits his sister, KAREN MCKINNEY, 35. Her
beauty and business acumen are without measure. Unfortunately
neither attribute helps her realize she deserves real love.

Almost none of this can be filmed. It's telling, not showing.  Many of your action sequences are similar. They read more like a novel. The opening paragragh about the line outside the club is way over written.

The above action sequence can simply be written like:

KAREN MCKINNEY, 35, beautiful, dressed in business suit, sits across from Bayden.
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insider901
Posted: February 21st, 2013, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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LEOPOLD CARLSON, no pads, only boxing gloves covering fists
that have punched more beef than the USDA. Leopold is a
carved mass of formidable muscle, akin to a stoic Roman
statue outside the Colosseum which makes his age XXXVish.

Again, you can't write action this way in a screenplay. It can not be translated to film. By the time you tone these down you're probably trimming 20 pages off the script. Maybe more.

You're also writing in a passive tense at time - using a lot of ing's.

The dialogue is well written, however, I haven't found much of it funny. I'm 14 pages in and have no idea what the conflict is going to be. You have to hit that conflict very early or people will not read.
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bjamin
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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You're also writing in a passive tense at time - using a lot of ing's.

I don't mean to step on your note here, but, using 'ing' is in no way passive. 'ing' is a present progressive, so how can it be passive?  Passive is putting the object before the subject.

*or if you (like I did with ,is putting) the writer inserts an  'is' or 'are' before the verb.   But:  Jill stands at the stove, making dinner. is not passive. Whereas: Jill is making dinner on the stove, is considered, as I understand it, passive verb.



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bjamin  -  February 23rd, 2013, 12:08pm
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Gary Howell
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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See this thread about all the theories around active vs. passive writing:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1357252840/


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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courhaw
Posted: February 27th, 2013, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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passive in terms of screenwriting doesn't mean quite the same thing as it does in academic writing. i, too, struggled with that foreign sounding concept, sir. active means, per your example, jill MAKES dinner...it says that jill is doing something active. the focus is on her. jill will be on screen, not the words that you have written. but jill will be doing exactly what you have written. kind of new concept to grasp, but, hey, it's a new way of writing. yes, you need to know english well, but, no, english grammar conceits are not the hilt of screenwriting, per se. there won't be an a grade given to you for adhering to every rule of grammatical structure in your screenplay. but sticking to standard screenplay writing norms will be judged accordingly.
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dogglebe
Posted: February 27th, 2013, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bjamin
You're also writing in a passive tense at time - using a lot of ing's.

I don't mean to step on your note here, but, using 'ing' is in no way passive. 'ing' is a present progressive, so how can it be passive?  Passive is putting the object before the subject.

*or if you (like I did with ,is putting) the writer inserts an  'is' or 'are' before the verb.   But:  Jill stands at the stove, making dinner. is not passive. Whereas: Jill is making dinner on the stove, is considered, as I understand it, passive verb.



THANK YOU!

Phil
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