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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Pickup Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Pickup by Devin Kyler Chance (DevonHardy) - Comedy, Romance - Picking up the most valuable knowledge you were probably born without. 97 pages - pdf, format


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Bogey
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Devin-

I'm a fan of the awkward male teen gets the girl genre, but I couldn't get too far into this one.

I only made it 4 pages in, and though I had no trouble ignoring the formatting or grammar issues and just focusing on the story, when the protagonist made a puddle in school over his nervous excitement, I surrendered. I think most people would find a moment like that sad, not funny.

Keep at it, and don't feel you have to shock to get attention.
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insider901
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, read this from start to finish. I'm not a fan of the wetting himself scene but for different reasons. More than anything it isn't that funny.

Here's the deal: this has some promise. Devin's character is decent and Thorne was really funny at times. The way devin became popular was a fairly original spin on a tired, wore out subject. That said, these kinds of scripts get snapped up by Hollywood all the time.

There are tons and tons and tons of errors on formatting, typos, grammar. That all can be fixed. get a proof reader!

You action is very poorly written. It's passive and lazy. It needs a lot of work.

Drop the music montages. You have your soundtrack already picked out. It screams amatuer.

This script has a modern day feel of "Can't Buy Me Love." Okay, it has more than just a feel.

I hated the Dance script. Very cheesy.

Wasn't too thrilled with Eva's suicide attempt. She must really, really be messed up to try and whack herself over a guy who pissed himself in front of her. Not buyin it. I'd change this to something else, maybe car wreck...something accidental. I was pretty disappointed to read that far into the script and see that.

Why did she like Devin? Because she's really messed up or because he was popular?

Not bad stuff. Your dialogue, at times, is decent. There are too many times you use it has expsoition but it's pretty good. Other times it's pretty wooden.

Look, you're not breaking any new ground here. This story's been done a thousand times. You do do some things within it that help. I'd read a few scripts around here and study the action sequences. Get ome pro scripts and do the same.

Like I said, there's some promise here. I didn't like the pee scene and niether did the prior poster. Think about changing it to something different. It wouldn't require much work as it's not central to the plot.




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insider901
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry about the typos. My keyboard has sevral keys not functioning properly.
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DevonHardy
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Sorry for the late reply been busy with finals. Thanks for giving it a read, much appreciated.

I'm thinking of rewriting parts of it, someone gave me an idea of turning Max into girl. Also I've mixed reactions to the wetting scene. I know you said it wasn't funny, but is there any other reason it was "bad"?
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