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Please, only thing he know how to do is sell and smoke crack simultaneously. Oxymoron.
Is that the word you meant to use?
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INT. TRAY’S JEEP - NIGHT Karen looks at Keith. KAREN I thought you lived in a condo, downtown?
Page 75. Did you mean Tray?
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L.A. drives past past Tray.
Page 98.
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She recognizes her car parked at the donut shop. SHERRY My car. My car. My car is over there. Stop. Stop. Policeman #1 SLAMS on the brakes. POLICEMAN #2 Where? SHERRY The pancake house. Policeman #1 does a U turn and pulls into the donut shop parking lot.
Page 108. Maybe you were going to do an "in" joke with donuts and the cops and went with the pancakes instead or am I missing something?
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Alex, get me some chocolate chip ones, man. I’m going to the car right quick.
Page 109. Chocolate chip pancakes?
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INT. - DONUT SHOP - DAY Keith walks toward L.A.
Page 111. Donuts again.
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Sherry and Policemen #1 have their backs to the donut shop.
Page 112. Donuts again.
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We uae to be noys, man.
Page 113.
I thought I would take some time out today and read some scripts and I couldn't get past about page 8 on any of them. Then I read yours and thought it was so good I would read it all. It's fast paced with snappy dialogue and you are a good story teller. Problem was, I got to page 114 and it got silly all of a sudden. You didn't do it any favours at that point and then it just stopped at page 115 and if that's the end you intended I've just wasted a couple of hours. I'm assuming that wasn't the end because of the number of times (CONT'D) appears on the last 2 pages with nothing accompanying it.
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He rushes back to the line and knocks Karen’s down.
Read in 12 pages and there isn't anything going on of interest. Just meeting folk along the way. Lists as comedy and I didn't find it funny. Not badly written, just not engaging at all.
Log-line needs some work, not interesting at all. What makes this story outstanding?
I flipped through the first couple of pages of the script and even without really reading I knew that there's nothing going on. And besides, you should not include the title page if there's nothing on it...
You should also not put the title of the script on the first page, that's what the title page is for...!? 117 pages seems over the top for a comedy.
All in all, I think you should read some other scripts to see how they are written, get the formatting right and then revise this draft.
Pages: 1
Author
A World of Difference
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