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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  A World of Difference Moderators: bert
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  Author    A World of Difference  (currently 294 views)
Don
Posted: January 6th, 2015, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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A World of Difference by Brian Guidry - Comedy - College kids and panhandlers entangle on the craziest day of the semester. 117 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 30th, 2018, 12:15pm
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AdrianWollaston
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Please, only thing he know how to
do is sell and smoke crack
simultaneously. Oxymoron.

Is that the word you meant to use?


Quoted Text
INT. TRAYíS JEEP - NIGHT
Karen looks at Keith.
KAREN
I thought you lived in a condo,
downtown?

Page 75. Did you mean Tray?


Quoted Text
L.A. drives past past Tray.

Page 98.


Quoted Text
She recognizes her car
parked at the donut shop.
SHERRY
My car. My car. My car is over
there. Stop. Stop.
Policeman #1 SLAMS on the brakes.
POLICEMAN #2
Where?
SHERRY
The pancake house.
Policeman #1 does a U turn and pulls into the donut shop
parking lot.

Page 108. Maybe you were going to do an "in" joke with donuts and the cops and went with the pancakes instead or am I missing something?


Quoted Text
Alex, get me some chocolate chip
ones, man. Iím going to the car
right quick.

Page 109. Chocolate chip pancakes?


Quoted Text
INT. - DONUT SHOP - DAY
Keith walks toward L.A.

Page 111. Donuts again.


Quoted Text
Sherry and Policemen #1 have their backs to the donut shop.

Page 112. Donuts again.


Quoted Text
We uae to be noys, man.

Page 113.

I thought I would take some time out today and read some scripts and I couldn't get past about page 8 on any of them. Then I read yours and thought it was so good I would read it all. It's fast paced with snappy dialogue and you are a good story teller.
Problem was, I got to page 114 and it got silly all of a sudden. You didn't do it any favours at that point and then it just stopped at page 115 and if that's the end you intended I've just wasted a couple of hours.
I'm assuming that wasn't the end because of the number of times (CONT'D) appears on the last 2 pages with nothing accompanying it.



Quoted Text
He
rushes back to the line and knocks Karenís down.

Page 109.
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Don
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14288
Posts Per Day
1.97
A World of Difference by Brian Guidry - Comedy - College kids and panhandlers entangle on the craziest day of the semester. 117 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Read in 12 pages and there isn't anything going on of interest. Just meeting folk along the way. Lists as comedy and I didn't find it funny. Not badly written, just not engaging at all.
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BenL
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Log-line needs some work, not interesting at all. What makes this story outstanding?

I flipped through the first couple of pages of the script and even without really reading I knew that there's nothing going on. And besides, you should not include the title page if there's nothing on it...

You should also not put the title of the script on the first page, that's what the title page is for...!? 117 pages seems over the top for a comedy.

All in all, I think you should read some other scripts to see how they are written, get the formatting right and then revise this draft.
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