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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Money in the Bank Moderators: bert
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  Author    Money in the Bank  (currently 1515 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Money in the Bank by Lope Labiyi - Comedy - An entertaining comedy about a nineteen year old that gets a job at a bank and uses his employment to help run a bank scam that targets vulnerable old people. 121 pages - pdf, format


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GreenGecko
Posted: January 27th, 2015, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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This is confusing to read. It seems you're capitalizing for no reason all over the place. You don't use one scene header. Using the phrase "scene skips" in the middle of paragraphs to signify that a scene is changing is unacceptable and hard for the reader to follow.

A lot of things feel redundant or just unnecessary. You don't need to tell us "Peter waits a couple of seconds then his V.O says" or "Annie laughs but to the audience it seems fake but to Peter it seems real."

And take this one:

Quoted Text
While waiting for food peter suddenly catches eye of a girl who he
believes to be flirting with him but is actually talking to someone
behind him. He gets caught trying to flirt back and becomes
embarrassed but is quickly distracted as Annie walks in the room.


Parts like "while waiting for food" are unnecessary because we already know he's at a diner. And flirting to me was a verbal thing, so it got really confusing when you say he's flirting with someone far away. It's just muddled and awkward.  

It's like you're writing a novel.


Quoted Text
Scene skips to peter staying up all night and can't fall asleep.
When he finally goes to sleep, he has a nightmare of him and new
born baby. He was trying to change the baby's diapers and the baby
starts peeing everywhere, and uncontrollably. Then he wakes to a
phone call he looks at caller id and it says Annie Hall. And he
looks at the phone for a while then answers.


Now there's no rules in writing, but this is generally not how you write a screenplay. You want to avoid using the past or gerunds (was trying or starts peeing) and stick to present tense (not the present progressive).

I can't read anymore. The dialogue isn't good. Characters feel unrealistic. Your grammar is all over the place too.


Quoted Text
Peter, im not okay I think I feel the
baby. Oh my God yep I feel it. And I threw
up but I don't remember going to a party!
I was working all night I promise. I
wouldn't get drunk if I thought that I was
carrying our baby. (in tears)


As for humor, I'm not really sure any of it was funny. Making a joke about a dead dad a page after he dies just seems weird.


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