This is confusing to read. It seems you're capitalizing for no reason all over the place. You don't use one scene header. Using the phrase "scene skips" in the middle of paragraphs to signify that a scene is changing is unacceptable and hard for the reader to follow. A lot of things feel redundant or just unnecessary. You don't need to tell us "Peter waits a couple of seconds then his V.O says" or "Annie laughs but to the audience it seems fake but to Peter it seems real." And take this one:
Quoted Text While waiting for food peter suddenly catches eye of a girl who he believes to be flirting with him but is actually talking to someone behind him. He gets caught trying to flirt back and becomes embarrassed but is quickly distracted as Annie walks in the room. |
Parts like "while waiting for food" are unnecessary because we already know he's at a diner. And flirting to me was a verbal thing, so it got really confusing when you say he's flirting with someone far away. It's just muddled and awkward. It's like you're writing a novel.
Quoted Text Scene skips to peter staying up all night and can't fall asleep. When he finally goes to sleep, he has a nightmare of him and new born baby. He was trying to change the baby's diapers and the baby starts peeing everywhere, and uncontrollably. Then he wakes to a phone call he looks at caller id and it says Annie Hall. And he looks at the phone for a while then answers. |
Now there's no rules in writing, but this is generally not how you write a screenplay. You want to avoid using the past or gerunds (was trying or starts peeing) and stick to present tense (not the present progressive). I can't read anymore. The dialogue isn't good. Characters feel unrealistic. Your grammar is all over the place too.
Quoted Text Peter, im not okay I think I feel the baby. Oh my God yep I feel it. And I threw up but I don't remember going to a party! I was working all night I promise. I wouldn't get drunk if I thought that I was carrying our baby. (in tears) |
As for humor, I'm not really sure any of it was funny. Making a joke about a dead dad a page after he dies just seems weird. |