Read the first 3 pages and the jokes weren't funny to me.
Couple things: when we see Zack, put a name badge on him with "MANAGER" written on it. Don't tell me he's the store manager, show me.
When Zack calls his dad, don't tell me he is calling his dad. You make that clear when we see the old guy pick up the phone and Zack says hi, dad.
You need a good edit for that kind of thing.