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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Greg Just Knows It Moderators: bert
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  Author    Greg Just Knows It  (currently 1049 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Greg Just Knows It by Marton Magyar - Comedy - Greg, a high school senior believes he's superior to everyone because of is "coolness". He's so insistent on his theory that he ends up trying to hunt down Los Angeles' new, mysterious crime lord with his friend, Matt. 93 pages - pdf, format


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Erica
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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What I find interesting in reviewing other peoples hard work is how it opens your eyes to your own work.  That being said, this script needs a lot of work.  It appears to be a first draft that hasn't been read yet.  I don't want to be mean, just my thoughts.

Congrats on finishing a script, that is an achievement in itself.

Missing all the Character Introductions, who are they?
Formatting errors in the script starting on the first page.  
No FADE IN:
You use a camera shot in your first action sequence.  There are times you can use them, but it really has to be for a reason.
For formatting it would be

CLOSE ON BODIES.

Remember, your telling the story, not directing the story.  Leave the shots up to the director.

I also see BEAT randomly.


Quoted Text
POLICE CAPTAIN
Nobody knows who he is, only the
gang members. He operates his army
from the civil world, incognito.
All we know, is his street name.
Black Dildo.
BEAT.
POLICE MAN #1
Ha! Funny.


Let the actors and the directors work out the pacing.  If you really feel the need to use it, it would be something like

Quoted Text
POLICE CAPTAIN
Nobody knows who he is, only the
gang members. He operates his army
from the civil world, incognito.
All we know, is his street name.
(beat)
Black Dildo.

POLICE MAN #1
Ha! Funny.


There is a lot of awkward dialogue that needs to be proof read.  The best is to read it out loud to see how it sounds.  It's tough to get the voice in our heads to match that on paper.


Quoted Text
INT. A SMALL HOUSE IN UTAH, MATT�S BEDROOM - MORNING.
Matt takes his phone and dials his dad.
HOWARD
(over the phone)
Hey Matt? Is that you, son?
MATT
Yes, dad. I wanted to talk to you.
88.
HOWARD
Sure, sure. How are you? How�s that
fucking
every hot Mormon guy thing
of yours going up in Utah?
MATT
You don�t have to worry about that,
I�m not doing that. After two-three
guys, I realized it�s really not my
thing.
HOWARD
I ain�t never worried about that,
son. You do what you want


HOWARD should have V.O. or if it's an INTERCUT between them, you need to say that.


Quoted Text
INT. MATT�S UTAH HOUSE�S DOORWAY - MORNING.
Matt opens the door, Greg is outside.
Beat.
GREG
Hey.
MATT
Hey. You�re white again.
GREG
I know, right?
MATT
Right.
86.
Matt shuts the door, and he�s off back to his room. Greg
bulges in and runs after him


Quoted Text
Greg pulls out his smart phone with the texts reading �ME:
Hey, dad, I�m not in that gang anymore. We won.� �DAD:
Ok
.�
MATT
Just give me a minute.
Matt goes off to his room.
INT. A SMALL HOUSE IN UTAH, MATT�S BEDROOM - MORNING.
Matt takes his phone and dials his dad.


This is confusing, first you say he goes to his room, but we don't appear to have a new scene. Now the scene seems to take place in Matt's bedroom but the at the end he says he's going to his room?


Quoted Text
INT. MATT�S UTAH HOUSE�S DOORWAY - MORNING.
Greg is waiting for Matt on his couch when Matt comes back
from his bedroom.
GREG
You talked with your folks?

Next, the slugline says House doorway, but Greg is on the couch?

I also didn't find Greg to be a very likable character, he's crude, rude and full of himself.  Why would I want to root for him?

SPOILER


And that ending makes no sense.  I mean Heather is in one scene.  She talks 6 times.  How the hell did she end up in a closet with Greg at the end.  It's like that scene was pulled out of thin air.

I also have to say, that language is very crude.  It seems that every character is rude and crude, even the Judges at the talent auditions.  This makes no sense to me that these people would be this way.  Maybe that's what you're going for but it's not for me.  It also really limits your audience.  I would almost say this would get an X rating which really cuts down on potential markets.  But that's just me.  



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Erica  -  August 2nd, 2015, 12:37pm
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