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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Escort Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Escort by Genevi Engle - Comedy - After a fast food employee gets his heart broken by his girlfriend, he falls in love with an escort he discovers from an internet classifieds website. 92 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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I was prepared to laugh but six pages in I didn't laugh. Six pages is a lot of time and it was spent on the ladies order and talk with the boss. If you lose the camera directions you will clean up the read.

What do do? You could start with Caleb really BEING a good employee in the beginning and getting ALL KIND of praise from customers, high fiving customers, knowing everyone's name, they knowing his name, asking if he's running the place yet, giving a poor mother a free meal for her skinny, starving child, the opposite of what you have, so when he is called into the bosses office we are like, wtf? No way! As it is, we expect it and it's boring.
The language you use is off the charts. The lady and the boss seem like the same character the way they talk to Caleb; come to think of it, the manager is that way, too. All three act like idiots. I know it's to be funny, but like I said, I didn't laugh.

So after six pages do I want to read more? I doubt it. I started the lead in to the empty apartment, cliche again, so I figured I would get the same for the rest of the story. Maybe the rest is gut busting funny, but I doubt it. I think it will be laced with the same kind of not funny stuff. The premise seems interesting, that's why I took a peek. I think you need to get to the point sooner in this type of story. Forget this backstory stuff. Why have him lose is job at the burger place. Why not let him keep it? Anyway, if I skim read it later I'll let you know.
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Erica
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I like the premise of this as it sounds like it could be a good romantic comedy.  The logline starts out great but doesn't finish or really does finish.  It tells me that he is dumped and falls in love with an escort.  So now I know this why do I need to read the story.  There should be something that is the "but" in the logline.  Maybe even some irony in it.  What's stopping him when he falls in love with an escort?  Does the agency not allow this or something else that's stopping this from happening?

Not sure why most of your characters have last names all through the script.  Just seems odd too me making it a harder read.

The beginning scenes with the woman and the manager and boss are all the same person like Clorox said.  It doesn't seem funny to me, maybe I'm too old for this type of comedy.   Just seems like most of the dialogue is over the top swearing all the time.  Maybe where you are they swear like that in fast food joints but were I'm from I've never heard that.  Sorry, I'm just not seeing the comedy in this one.


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nemo
Posted: October 16th, 2015, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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I actually like the beginning of this one, and think some parts are pretty funny. Some things to clean up first though...

1) I would make it a little more succinct, take out the extra wordages such as 'we see'
2) proofread it, some silly mistakes like pg 3 "PETER CAMBRIDGE
How long have you've been working
here?" Also, Peter speaks twice without transition on numerous occasions, its ok to split dialogue but not arbitrarily.
3) I would just have the characters name and leave out the first and last name.

On a positive note, I'm only 25 pages in but I think some parts are really funny. You have a knack for dialogue and comedy. i.e the search in a tree for his gf or Michael and Richard steaking out their friends sexual adventures.

Ill continue tomorrow, but I see potential.

Nemo
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