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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Garage Band Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 18th, 2015, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Garage Band by Chris Ramsdell - Comedy, Musical - The rise and fall of a mediocre garage band from the suburbs.  Based on songs by Adam Sandler. 139 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 18th, 2015, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Bam! 139 pages? I'm out.
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NW3
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Based on songs by Adam Sandler? I'm out.


Okay, I don't find him funny but that's just me and millions of others. If Adam Sandler is an inspiration, maybe leave that off the title page and work towards a more conventional script. That means taking out the song lyrics, and you'll be on the way to 100 pages too.

The opening is way overwritten. You might picture the credits rolling as the camera pans through all the stuff in the garage but unlike for example BACK TO THE FUTURE that did this, hardly any of it relates to the story. Why do the guitars have broken strings? One guitar in pristine condition in a dusty case would tell us more. All the other stuff is clutter in his garage and the script. A sentence or two would be enough.

Everything depends on our liking Adam. I laughed when he went to sing his 4-year-old to sleep:


                    ADAM
          I even used to sing to you before
          you left your Mommyís belly.

                    BEATRICE
          I was in her uterus.


I love that he picks up her Barbie guitar and says "Already in tune. Nice." I love that he asks her if she wants loud or soft and then screams a song by The Who. I don't love that he sings Dip Doodle by Adam Sandler. Right there, like a light switch. Beatrice asks her father "Didnít you ever grow up?" This is the central question to the story, and the scene should end there.

Chris, I found this charming and funny in parts and crude and unfunny in others. It's also short on story. If you can stand a ruthless edit I think there are things you can work on, PM me if you want notes. I'm seeing it more Jack Black than Adam Sandler.
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ChrisRamsdell
Posted: November 12th, 2015, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the advice.  I'll keep it in mind.
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