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Salt & Sugar by Alaaeddin Halim - Comedy - The story is about a very simple black man yet very funny and spontaneous who is trying to make it in life like everybody else, but his life changes when his rich uncle dies and leaves him a will which is a set of an antique table with six chairs. He goes through series of events and hilarious situations after selling the set and not knowing that his uncle left five million dollars in one of the chairs, so his mission in life becomes about finding the chair that has the money in it. The plot of the story has never been done before and I really believe itís a great comedy movie. 107 pages - pdf, format
First off, your logline is too long - needs to be short and concise, without giving away too much of the main plot. For example: "A down-on-his-luck taxi cab driver sells six of his dead uncle's antique chairs not knowing that hidden in one of them is $5,000,000."
A SHOT OF... a Boeing 727 shadowing the LOS ANGELES SKYLINE as it touches down a runway.
I would stay away from using camera shots in a spec script. Remember: you're the writer, not the director.
INT. YELLOW CAB - DAY
JAMES So where you going?
Always follow a slugline with an action block, even if it's only a couple of words.
Don't use DISSOLVE TO. Again, you're not the director.
She hugs James, who pulls back. Heís not used to such a warm reception from Janika.
How do we know that James is not used to such a warm reception from Janika? Lose it.
TRISH (interrupts) -- Iíve heard that before James, you keep playing it like an old record every time we talk about our future!!
On page 4, Trish interrupts James, but there's no parenthetical. This time, there's a parenthetical stating that Trish interrupts James. Be consistent.
Momma keeps ranting.
You need to write out the dialogue for this.
JAMES I told you all, my Uncle Jack is crazy. He plays everybody, nobody can predict what he is up too, you know that I tried before asking him for some cash but he played me like a fool in that stupid hospital, I get sick just thinking about him. He doesnít like me, I donít like him and you are forgetting the most important element that will inhibit this brilliant and ďeasyĒ idea of yours... Uncle Jackís in a mental institution.
Too much dialogue. Trim it.
JAMES Uncle Jack has been in a mental hospital for the past three years! Heís the one who needs help! Last Christmas I went to visit him, he thought I was Michael Jackson and kept trying to set my hair on fire! The guy is a nut case. I canít do it. I canít go see him. And that place creeps the hell out of me. Besides, heís not gonna give me shit anyway. Heís told me that before. Why should I try again?
Off James - shaking his head. Can I get couple pieces of chicken from the dinner bag babe, she gets really irritated.
What is this???
EXT. BAR - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING
A seedy little, local watering hole.
I would get rid of this.
MAX ROSENFELD (late 30s) a Ben Stiller type...
I would refrain from comparing characters to real life people or other characters from other media.
JAMES (O.S.) You know how long it was before I could trust black folks?
This should be (V.O.), not (O.S.).
I like the story idea - definitely a lot of potential here. The flashback with the KKK scaring young James was brutally funny - very nice! Unfortunately, I only have time to read the first 10 pages. Sharpen your dialogue and improve your formatting.