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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Salt & Sugar Moderators: bert
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  Author    Salt & Sugar  (currently 1129 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2015, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Salt & Sugar by Alaaeddin Halim - Comedy - The story is about a very simple black man yet very funny and spontaneous who is trying to make it in life like everybody else, but his life changes when his rich uncle dies and leaves him a will which is a set of an antique table with six chairs. He goes through series of events and hilarious situations after selling the set and not knowing that his uncle left five million dollars in one of the chairs, so his mission in life becomes about finding the chair that has the money in it. The plot of the story has never been done before and I really believe itís a great comedy movie. 107 pages - pdf, format


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ChrisRamsdell
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Decent dialogue flow.  The opening uncle flashbacks were funny.
I found it to be racist but I'm an old white man, so what do I know.  
Keep up the comedy.
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KevinS
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Everyone has a story to tell.

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Hi, Alaaeddin.

First off, your logline is too long - needs to be short and concise, without giving away too much of the main plot.  For example:  "A down-on-his-luck taxi cab driver sells six of his dead uncle's antique chairs not knowing that hidden in one of them is $5,000,000."

PAGE 1

FADE IN:

A SHOT OF... a Boeing 727 shadowing the LOS ANGELES SKYLINE
as it touches down a runway.

I would stay away from using camera shots in a spec script.  Remember: you're the writer, not the director.

INT. YELLOW CAB - DAY

JAMES
So where you going?

Always follow a slugline with an action block, even if it's only a couple of words.

PAGE 2

Don't use DISSOLVE TO.  Again, you're not the director.

PAGE 3

She hugs James, who pulls back. Heís not used to such a warm
reception from Janika.

How do we know that James is not used to such a warm reception from Janika?  Lose it.

PAGE 7

TRISH
(interrupts)
-- Iíve heard that before James,
you keep playing it like an old
record every time we talk about our
future!!

On page 4, Trish interrupts James, but there's no parenthetical.  This time, there's a parenthetical stating that Trish interrupts James.  Be consistent.

Momma keeps ranting.

You need to write out the dialogue for this.

JAMES
I told you all, my Uncle Jack is
crazy. He plays everybody, nobody
can predict what he is up too, you
know that I tried before asking him
for some cash but he played me like
a fool in that stupid hospital, I
get sick just thinking about him.
He doesnít like me, I donít like
him and you are forgetting the most
important element that will inhibit
this brilliant and ďeasyĒ idea of
yours... Uncle Jackís in a mental
institution.

Too much dialogue.  Trim it.

PAGE 8

JAMES
Uncle Jack has been in a mental
hospital for the past three years!
Heís the one who needs help! Last
Christmas I went to visit him, he
thought I was Michael Jackson and
kept trying to set my hair on fire!
The guy is a nut case. I canít do
it. I canít go see him. And that
place creeps the hell out of me.
Besides, heís not gonna give me
shit anyway. Heís told me that
before. Why should I try again?

Trim.

PAGE 9

Off James - shaking his head. Can I get couple pieces of
chicken from the dinner bag babe, she gets really irritated.

What is this???

EXT. BAR - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

A seedy little, local watering hole.

I would get rid of this.

MAX ROSENFELD (late 30s) a Ben Stiller type...

I would refrain from comparing characters to real life people or other characters from other media.

PAGE 10

JAMES (O.S.)
You know how long it was before I
could trust black folks?

This should be (V.O.), not (O.S.).


I like the story idea - definitely a lot of potential here.  The flashback with the KKK scaring young James was brutally funny - very nice!  Unfortunately, I only have time to read the first 10 pages.  Sharpen your dialogue and improve your formatting.

Good luck with the script!
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