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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  So Let's Not Give Thanks for Today Moderators: bert
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  Author    So Let's Not Give Thanks for Today  (currently 930 views)
Don
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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So Let's Not Give Thanks for Today by E. C. Ikeme - Comedy - {no logline} 71 pages - pdf, format


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Marcela
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the title, that's why I started reading. I got to page 7, but because nothing really was happening, I gave up.   Sorry. Also couple of unusual names wasn't to my taste.  You have the first 10 pages to hook the reader so make the most of it!


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wombat
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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You need to format the script properly. Complete overhaul. Spelling. Punctuation. NO reader will bother to go beyond page 1.

I didn't understand the reason behind the unusual names. When I saw "Obi" I thought this was going to be a riff on Star Wars, you know, "Obi Wan".

Page 3: "cos" is not a word. Use "because".

Get rid of the caps. Just say (yells); don't cap the dialog.

Page 63: the robber giving the cashier his number was funny.

This is supposed to be a comedy, yet the title suggests a drama/horror flick. It also aludes (over here in the USA) to Thanksgiving. Obviously, this has nothing to do with Thanksgiving. You may consider changing the title to reflect what the story is about.

Which leads to my main beef...

I couldn't figure out what this was about. Worse, I didn't care about the characters. I suppose UCHE is an anti-hero. But he and SUSAN were such selfish brats, I didn't care about them or anyone else. Give us a reason to care or at least a reason to be intrigued enough by the characters so we will want to stick around.

This may have potential as a series, especially as you have it end on a cliffhanger.  What happens to Uche? I think it makes a GREAT end for a pilot episode.

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wombat  -  November 11th, 2015, 4:41pm
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