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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Future Copz Moderators: bert
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  Author    Future Copz  (currently 1208 views)
Don
Posted: February 13th, 2016, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Future Copz by Brett Weinrich - Comedy - A cynical woman falls in love for seventeen days until her lover is murdered and she goes a whole lotta bonkers. Her mostly useless friends must join forces to save her before she accidentally kills herself and many innocent people with a dumptruck full of fireworks in a deeply misguided expression of love. 93 pages - pdf, format


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CameronD
Posted: February 18th, 2016, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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It seems like you have a passion to write, and although you have some of the basics of formatting down, it's still extremely rough. You have direction written into your story, too many side notes in (parenthesis). Too many verbs that end in "ing". Instead of jamming to music have Gina just "jam to music". It makes the action sound to appear   like it's in the present tense while ing verbs convey past tense. Instead of running use run. Shoots instead of shootings. Eats instead of eating.

The logline is also a tad....messy.

Congrats on finishing your story, but if you would like to make it a proper script there is some work to do.

Hope that helps a little. Hard to take this seriously though with all the other problems on page.


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