SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 24th, 2020, 10:14am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  My Stepmom is a Pornstar Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    My Stepmom is a Pornstar  (currently 3374 views)
Don
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14280
Posts Per Day
1.97
My Stepmom is a Pornstar by ShaDon Manigault - Comedy - Two teenagers adapt to their stepmother, who is a famous pornographic actress. 117 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (8 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 15th, 2018, 6:47pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
83
Posts Per Day
0.03
I read the first 40 pages, so far it's a very quick and easy read. Definitely a more limited audience with he sheer amount of sexual content, but probably something I'd sneak and watch on Netflix if I saw it.

My biggest comment is that based on the 127 page length and the pace of what I've read so far, i personally feel it could be tightened up significantly. I can see this is a very dialogue driven script, but it seems like you could move through the plot points much more quickly and still keep the tone, character and story that you need.

One question, what do you consider to be the inciting incident? Not to say that every script should conform to "The rules of screenwriting" but I have been conditioned to expect it around 10-15 pages in. If I had to guess, I'd say the inciting incident was when Matthew discovers the truth on page 24. Is that right?

Anyway, it's a fun read.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6155
Posts Per Day
2.67
Hey ShaDon - I read the first five based on the premise alone. The title sucked me in (no pun intended). Hope you take this constructively, but the V.O dialogue was unrealistic and way too long - needs to be tightened up. Some examples.


Quoted Text
KIMBERLY (V.O.)
For adult films, as you can see,
our family is a little unorthodox.


KIMBERLY (V.O.)
For pornos.

You don't need the last line - it's obvious and you're going to show us that through your story. You use "you see" a lot. It becomes redundant.


Quoted Text
KIMBERLY (V.O.)
Back when my birth mother was
alive, life was a little bit more
normal. Unfortunately, she died in
a fatal car accident about 5 years
ago. It was an extremely rough time
for my family, especially my
father.


Try something like.

KIMBERLY (V.O)
My real Mom died five years ago - a car accident.
It ruined all of us, especially Dad.

We can already assume that their life was more normal when their real Mom was alive - you don't need to tell us. Kimberly is not adopted - she wouldn't refer to her Mom as her "birth Mother". If she died - you don't need to say it was a fatal accident. We already know.


Quoted Text
KIMBERLY (V.O.)
You see, my father is Harvard
educated and got his PhD in
Neurosurgery. He has his own
practice in LA and is one of the
top plastic surgeons, many of
Hollywood’s top models and top
starlets flock to him. He’s known
to be the Michelangelo of the
scalpel.


He's a neurologist doing plastic surgery? You could set up L.A as a scene heading rather than in dialogue. You don't need the "You see" Maybe something like:

KIMBERLY (V.O.)
My Dad graduated from Harvard with a medical degree.
He's not exactly curing cancer.  He's making boobs bigger.
Yeah - a plastic surgeon. Hollywood loves him. The
Michelangelo of the scalpel.

Also struck me that the Matthew - in high school - would have no clue that his Step Mom was a porn star - he's getting teased to death and none of his cruel buddies didn't tell him. He never asked them - why would you say that? Kimberly is in high school - she talks like a 30 year old.

Anyway - like I said - my comments are offered in good faith - I think you have a nice premise  
- I just didn't buy the dialogue



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
ShaDonManigault
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.00
I think the script has multiple inciting incidents, Matthew figuring out that Francis is a porn star is definitely one of them. If you read more there is more to come...

The screenplay was essentially an idea for a TV show but I condensed it into one script to see if everything still makes sense despite being transfigured into a movie.

I would love to get feedback once someone has read the entire script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
83
Posts Per Day
0.03
Page 42 “staring at her disgustlingly.” Would that be “…with disgust”?

Page 43. I’m personally a very polite person, and as a result I have to fight the tendancy to write all of my characters as very polite. I’m often surprised how no one in movies ever thanks each other or says goodbye. I feel like everyone is this script behaves kind of like me, which seems to take all of the conflict down a notch. You’ve set up a scenario the is ripe for conflict but everyone seems fairly easy going. I can sort of buy that this weird family has grown to love their stepmom so much that they accept it pretty quickly, but I would have thought the PTA ladies would be much harsher at this meeting, but despite their disapproval, they’re still fairly polite sounding. I’ve seen PTA parents go on crazy ass witch hunts and try to completely ruin people for way less.  (that said, on page 46 Katherine gets pretty harsh.)

Page 44 “The PTA gives in.” How will you be showing this? If no dialogue, then are they looking at each other nodding? I’m having trouble picturing the transition.

Page 47  FRANCIS says “Gracious? She just talking about swallowing sperm!?” Is this supposed to be Katherine’s line?

Page 59 Even though I just wrote a script about a centaur who ends up prostituting himself for horse tranquilizers, even I find it a bit uncomfortable who open this family is about their sexuality… The Step mom listening to her step daughter… maybe it’s just me. (After reading the whole script, this becomes a point of conflict so all good   )

Page 70 Now the conflict is heating up.

Page 78 Probably don’t need to hear the whole conversation 3 times in a row. Maybe figure out how to shorten it one of the times?

Page 82 Some lines stick out as unnatural. This one hit me the most: “This will be such a big leap for me!”

Page 114. Wow that seems like a huge shift for Kimberly. In this scene it sounds like she’s had a really hard time dealing with the reality of her step mom all along, but it really didn’t feel that inner conflict that much before now. What kept her trying to accept it all along, love for her father?
Finished it, thanks again for posting. You said that it was condensed down from a TV format, and I could definitely feel it. I enjoyed the script but still really think it could be tightened up quite a bit. Not just cutting down any unnecessary scenes, but mainly making the dialogue much more punchy.  Just my opinion though, for whatever it’s worth.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
ShaDonManigault
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I will make a adjustments soon.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
eldave1
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6155
Posts Per Day
2.67

Quoted from ShaDonManigault
I think the script has multiple inciting incidents, Matthew figuring out that Francis is a porn star is definitely one of them. If you read more there is more to come...

The screenplay was essentially an idea for a TV show but I condensed it into one script to see if everything still makes sense despite being transfigured into a movie.

I would love to get feedback once someone has read the entire script.


Cool - I will withhold comments on any of your stuff in the future as I often don't have time for a full read of someone's feature. Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
ShaDonManigault
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.00
I read over it and think it is a little long like you said. What do you think about the "Church" scenes? At first I thought it was a good idea, but now it seems a little random and out of place. It takes away from the house hold and their issues.

It's a good idea to show how hard joining a church might be for porn star but it takes away from the Harper family and their issues.

I took the scenes out and it's roughly around 117 now, a little more acceptable.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
ShaDonManigault
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.00
Also, I was curious about the sexual content, of course the screenplay is bound to be sexual but is it too much? I want the sexual content in there, its humorous but I am afraid of making just a raunchy comedy without any heart. I want both for this screenplay.

Revision History (1 edits)
ShaDonManigault  -  March 23rd, 2016, 8:17pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
_ghostwriters
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1099
Posts Per Day
0.26
@ShaDonManigault...

you can always scale back... if you need to.  

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  March 23rd, 2016, 10:00pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006