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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Strippers Save The World Moderators: bert
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  Author    Strippers Save The World  (currently 1473 views)
Don
Posted: March 29th, 2016, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Strippers Save The World by Robert T. McDorman - Comedy - An epidemic affecting causes 90% of the world’s strippers to stay home sick and a worldwide financial crisis follows. A revolution is in the making! 94 pages - pdf, format


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Sstwmovie
Posted: April 8th, 2016, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Can I get someone to comment/review our script? Any help is appreciated, thank you.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 8th, 2016, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Ok. comment, no review. The format is wrong for a film script, so not sure what you're going for. If it's a film script, I suggest you read at least one good one to anchor you in how they are written.

You pegged the story as a comedy about strippers staying home sick so I bit and read 7 pages where you open with aliens and Elton John, which wasn't note worthy in any way; sounded like I've read this kind of thing before, and, more importantly, I didn't laugh once. So I stopped reading.
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Dustin
Posted: April 8th, 2016, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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No need for the WGA registration number. The synopsis belongs in a separate file.

Code

Scene I
“In Case of Emergency”



If this is to be visible on screen then it needs to be formatted as a SUPER.

Code

ALIENS #1, 2, and 3 are sitting at different control panels
playing video games as multiple screens above stream
movies, news from other galaxies, and Facebook updates.



Try to avoid 'are' and 'is' as they make your action less active. Screenplays are set in the here and now.

Code

ALIENS #1, 2, and 3 sit at different control panels...



Notice how the above is more active now that 'are' has been omitted.

I'm not a producer, I'm just a writer, but it sounds like this idea could have some legs... forgive the pun. Speaking of which (the script, not the pun), it would probably be best to open on a Stripper, preferably the main character, doing what she does best. That will carry most through the film, albeit they're merely hoping for a repeat performance.


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eldave1
Posted: April 8th, 2016, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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I will echo what the other posters have said. It is the type that I generally won't commit to a full review on because there is little effort to comply with some of the basics. As Anthony said - read a few of the ones posted here (or anywhere else to get a feel). I will provide one specific critique - you do tun into many unfilamables and should attempt to nuke them. Here are examples from page 7.

The Meridian Motel is one of the most successful strip
clubs in town. Businessmen flock there to negotiate deals
and relax after work
. Day or night, it’s always filled with
patrons.

How does the above get filmed? You need to show us through dialogue or action that businessman flock there, etc.

MEGAN, early 20s, a fun-loving free spirit dances to “Heart
and Soul” by T’Pau.


Don't tell us that Meg is fun-loving - do it thru dialogue or action

ANNA, the stage manager, is helping one of the dancers with
choreography. Anna is a former dancer in her late 30s, and
her warm, vibrant energy maintains peace among the dancers


Again - how does one film that Anna is a stage manager? How do they film that she is a former dancer? How do they film her warm energy? - They can't. SO you need to write these in a way that makes them evident.

What you write in a script needs to be visible or audible. Here is a good guideline on this:

http://thestorydepartment.com/the-unfilmables/


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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