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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Thugless Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Thugless by Kamiya S Howard - Comedy - Long time friends, Ray and Dre have hit a rough patch in life. They decide to travel out of town to pick-up a package for Ray's cousin, in exchange for money that could give them both a fresh start, but this quick and easy trip takes a hilarious turn when preppy college kids mistake them for thugs and they all end up on the run from a powerful drug lord. 121 pages - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hi, Kamiya:

You have a problem in the opening.


Quoted Text
JAMES THOMAS (32), a middle aged man with a criminal record,
that has been unable to find stable work for months due to
his record, searches through the cabinet, frustrated and
desperate because he canít provide food and formula to feed
his two daughters (6 months, 3) that cry in the background.


You need to show (through dialogue or action) - not tell. i.e., don't tell us he can't find work, has a criminal record, frustrated because he can't find food for his daughters, etc. because there is no way to film that. You have to establish these facts through dialogue or action.

Check other parts of your script to see if you have similar issues. Good luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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