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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Lawn Boys Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lawn Boys  (currently 3376 views)
CindyLKeller
Posted: July 21st, 2016, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I made it to page 23 during lunch.
Here's my thoughts so far.
Funny and original.
I laughted out loud at this line:
He ain't so big, he's just big-boned. Lol

I liked The Summer's Eve Landscaping name for the douches.
You do know tha is a brand of douche, don't you.
Maybe it will be something the guys find out later???
Anyway, I thought it would be a good way for the guys to get their goat.
Instead of saying it smells like poop when they are around, they could say something like I smell a field of lavener... or something like that.

Also, on page 16 you're missing a lot of  those darned commas.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, dude.
Het, now, Mike.
Pg 18
We got your back, dude.
That's  it for now. I'll read more tomorrow.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 22nd, 2016, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Still reading.
Caught
Mouses up pg. 28
Bulls's eye

So far, the guys sound a lot alike, well, except for the boss who worries about losing business.

More tomorrow.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 27th, 2016, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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I finished it  the other evening.
From an earlier post of yours you  mentioned that you wouldn't be doing another draft unless it gets produced. With that being said,  I'm not sure if anything I say will matter or not.
I think this was original and  had some pretty funny moments.
I still think you are missing out  on gags with the name Summer's Eve. ...

I can see Adam Sandler and his guys  starring in this, but I think there are still some things that you could work on and amp up...  

Thanks for the funny get away,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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SteveC
Posted: August 9th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and for your feedback, Cindy!
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SteveC
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby


You're logline has a problem though - the theme alone isn't enough. You need to add drama which directly concerns character. The adman here will have to change, I guess. If he can't, the town is going to get artificial grass in the future …

What's missing yet are his "personal" motives to step into this world from the start and what would be the "personal" consequences of failing there?



I'm hoping this log line is an improvement:

A jaded adman must become a champion of nature when a scheming artificial turf dealer opens shop in his hometown.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 12th, 2016, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveC


I'm hoping this log line is an improvement:

A jaded adman must become a champion of nature when a scheming artificial turf dealer opens shop in his hometown.


Hey Steve,

Sorry it took a while to come back to your thread. Is your logline better? Of course, I'd say. You succeed to say the same things in lot less words, which is a great achievement and shows you can articulate directly and straight.

What I still didn't get, is, what's up with that Adman? What's going on under the surface?

In other words, your project reads emotionally empty yet.

I give you an example to explain: You probably know a pretty successful comedy movie called "We're the Millers" I think. Not to mention if it's a good movie or not… Thematically, the movie is about 4 strangers who imitate being a family to smuggle drugs from Mexico into the USA in a motor home. Which is a strong scenario on its own, isn't it?

Emotionally, the movie is about 4 strangers realizing their loneliness and becoming a family.
This is what lies under the surface.

If there isn't any strong emotional angle, which is possible for sure (examples: Wayne's World, Monty Python, Dumb and Dumber etc.) then I believe you should write that fact into your logline and imply the tone of your project. You know… if it's a goofy comedy, why don't translate, embody, and say that 100%?

Sth. like: An adman joins a fight about turf or no turf, when he finds his hometown's nature is threaten by believers of artificial grass landscaping.

I don't know if that's any funny and I'd rather like to know your version of it, or otherwise, if existing, add the emotional angle to your logline.

In other words, give me crazy or feelings. If it's a trash comedy, I want the trash comedy logline. It makes no sense to hide facts. Just hit the ball. I know you can do it.



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SteveC
Posted: September 12th, 2016, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. Thank you for providing such perspective and challenging me to go deeper with exploring the emotional theme.

The way I see it, the man worked in advertising in the big city -- a world so vacuous, plastic and pretentious and far-removed from the raw, natural and authentic realm of landscaping in the suburbs. I suppose this is close to a town and country storyline.

And what's going on under the surface is he was flawed by placing so much value in making it in the big city, but the statement of the story is to "bloom where your planted", meaning he could find self-worth and respect by working in nature.

So I guess what you're getting at is that being a jaded ad man strikes no contrast with his objective vis a vis the log line. Originally I had pretentious, but that still missed the mark. So what's the opposite of nature-loving? City-loving? Urbane? And I wanted to show that he was jaded, washed-up, unemployed, maybe even a little disgraced. Those were all terms used in previous iterations of the log line, but maybe it could simply be "city guy"?

A jobless city guy must become a champion of nature when a scheming artificial turf dealer sets up shop in his hometown.

And your other challenge is to convey the tone. It is pretty wacky, but also grounded. Not sure how much more I could do there. Suggestions welcome :^)
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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 12th, 2016, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveC
Hmmm. Thank you for providing such perspective and challenging me to go deeper with exploring the emotional theme.

The way I see it, the man worked in advertising in the big city -- a world so vacuous, plastic and pretentious and far-removed from the raw, natural and authentic realm of landscaping in the suburbs. I suppose this is close to a town and country storyline.

And what's going on under the surface is he was flawed by placing so much value in making it in the big city, but the statement of the story is to "bloom where your planted", meaning he could find self-worth and respect by working in nature.

So I guess what you're getting at is that being a jaded ad man strikes no contrast with his objective vis a vis the log line. Originally I had pretentious, but that still missed the mark. So what's the opposite of nature-loving? City-loving? Urbane? And I wanted to show that he was jaded, washed-up, unemployed, maybe even a little disgraced. Those were all terms used in previous iterations of the log line, but maybe it could simply be "city guy"?

A jobless city guy must become a champion of nature when a scheming artificial turf dealer sets up shop in his hometown.

And your other challenge is to convey the tone. It is pretty wacky, but also grounded. Not sure how much more I could do there. Suggestions welcome :^)


I had written a longer reply originally but I think I can reduce it to the following to be clearer:

Steve, you should exactly write what you explained to me above. IMO you even should use the exact vocabulary. That is the way to deliver authenticity and produce identification.


"An adman, disgraced by the plastic big city life, blooms where he's planted and finds self-worth as he joins the raw realm of landscaping, becomes champion of nature, and the last competitor of the artificial turf dealer in his hometown."


Make up your own version. No vague focus, no detours, only what you think is important.

(RE: The wacky tone. The irony is already there I must say in hindsight. Your artificial turf punch line is undeniable wacky and strong on theme. You know, it makes me believe: What a stupid shit, in a positive way.)





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PrussianMosby  -  September 12th, 2016, 7:57pm
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SteveC
Posted: September 12th, 2016, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much! I will process this and come up with a final polish of the logline...
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SteveC
Posted: December 11th, 2016, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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If anyone's interested, I uploaded a new screwball comedy here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1480042743/

Include a link to one of your own scripts if you wish to review. Thanks!
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