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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Not So Super Moderators: bert
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  Author    Not So Super  (currently 2226 views)
Don
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Not So Super by Cooper Knight - Comedy - With great power comes NO responsibility! A super powered slacker has to clean up his act to repair his relationships and save the world. 104 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 11th, 2017, 11:33am
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Cooper
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for putting this up Don!

To everyone else: If you're reading this you're at least thinking about checking out a few pages. I really hope you do. I believe there's potential and your feedback could take this screenplay to the next level.

(It should go without saying but let me know if you have something you'd like me to read.)

FYI - The above screenplay includes jokes about sex, government, super hero movies, doctors, millennials, washed up celebrities.... and a heart warming tale about family and what it means to be a hero.

Cheers!  


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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JoeS
Posted: February 5th, 2017, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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I really dug the script, Cooper.  Inverting some of the overdone and trite cliche superhero tropes was clever and original.  The early reveal that he’s a super hero-- nailing the different women in three cities within minutes was so funny and a wholly fresh character reveal to his true identity.  Never saw something like that before!  Give this a read!
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Cooper
Posted: February 6th, 2017, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Female Gaze
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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(Oh, boy! LOL. This is so masturbatory….I can’t even. I’m going to push any and all ‘personal’ feeling I may have about this type of story and just read.)

I’m going to just take in the Awesome Man stuff because I see you're making fun of it.

But an ‘uzi?’ Where the fuck did he hide an ‘uzi’ on his person? lol .

I am noticing that your SLUGS are off.

EXT. STREETS OF AXEL CITY - NIGHT

Should be: EXT. STREET(AXEL CITY) - NIGHT or EXT. STREET - NIGHT and then describe it in the ACTION lines.

Ok, I don’t know what it is with Superheros ID’ing themselves with sex in their names. BATMAN, SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, CATWOMAN. (that’s just a general peeve) Like we get it, you are of a particular sex…..

INT. FARMHOUSE -  LIVING ROOM - NIGHT  not  INT. FARM HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

I really wish you would describe these characters more. Especially NICK. A slacker...ok? Is he a hot slacker? An average-looking young man? He has to be at least smooth or cool to keep getting all this continental ass, right?


I don’t know how I feel about going in and out of the movie either. To me, it slows everything down doing it this way. I get the point initially, but after we know this a movie, I don’t think we need to go back there anymore. IMO.

Maybe continue the movie scenario after he leaves? Or just have it play out straight and then the commentary from NICK. Just a suggestion.

I get NICK is supposed to be ‘making fun’ of the logic of the movie bc he knows that’s not how it is when you're a  supposed hero. But he also seems like the type who would not even bother trying to dissect this type of movie either. Especially if he loves his nephew. Why ruin it for him?

I do like Tessa and Sammy though. Very believable as Mother and Son.

Easy on the (!) I get it’s to show excitement or anger but it’s not needed.


Quoted Text
TESSA (CONT'D) Let me guess: big boobs and daddy issues.


(Yes, we Big titied gals often do)


Quoted Text
TESSA Remember Nick: With great power, comes great responsibility.


(Please find a better reference. I am so tired of this one, and it’s datedor classic? ignore.)


Quoted Text
NICK What do you think these kids talk about on the school bus? Love ya!


(so true!)


Quoted Text
Nick sends a reply: - Purple Eggplant Emoji (Translation: Dick) -
Peach Emoji (Translation: Butt) -
Three Water Droplets Emoji (Translation: Baby Batter) Beat.
His phone PINGS. Incoming Message: -
Five Open Mouth Emojis (Translation: My Tonsils Need a Massage)
Nick smiles.

(My eyes have been opened)

[MUSIC] begins to play -- a song about promiscuity or being a traveling man -- like "Area Codes" by Ludacris. (Not your job to decide the music. If you really want it in the film just have Nick playing it on his Beats pill or something) Although, that is my jam!

So, Nick has powers, cool. Let’s see how he goes about using them to his advantage.

INT. CRAPPY NYC APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT instead INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY(NYC) - NIGHT

An attractive woman KNOCKS. (we know it’s AMY just call her AMY)

Only an hour difference. Cool.

SMASH CUT TO:  (Take these out) I get why you did it, to show this is all happening in a fairly short amount of time, but take them out.


Quoted Text
INT. BEDROOM CRAPPY NYC APARTMENT - NIGHT

Amy and Nick are naked in bed. Amy pants heavily as she stares at the ceiling with a smile. She kisses Nick and leaves. Nick looks at his phone. Starts texting.

INT. CHICAGO LOFT APARTMENT - NIGHT SUPER: Chicago Beat. SUPER: 20 minutes later Another attractive woman KNOCKS on another apartment door. Nick opens it and brings the woman inside.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. LA APARTMENT - NIGHT SUPER: Los Angeles Beat.

SUPER: 64 minutes later Another door. Another Woman.
This time pleasantries aren't even exchanged.
Nick opens the door and the woman rushes in.

INT. BEDROOM LA APARTMENT - NIGHT

Both Nick and LOVER have large grins. She looks like her mind was just blown.

LOVER Wow. That was, that was --

NICK Good?

LOVER No. Awesome. (beat) Super Awesome.
They have a moment of shared ecstasy before Nick's grin disappears.

NICK So -- I kind of have to work early tomorrow.

LOVER Oh yeah, yeah. Me too. She gives Nick a kiss and rolls out of the bed.


I’m guessing because Nick has superpowers that also means he can ‘recharge’ super fast as well? How is his dick not raw? Healing powers?

Why give Amy a name and not the others I wonder? Maybe she’s important later?

What no fatties or ugos? Nick seems like the type who would put it in anything. Lol

These are some low-maintenance females. All I’m saying. If I’m made to leave right after sex I want a pudding cup for the road. And none of them seemed fazed by his crudeness...at least one of them should be...for variety. And has he showered at all?

And, I’m sorry, but are these women superpowered as well? There is no way in hell that after a ‘good dicking’ these women just waltzed out of bed perfectly fine and used.

I don’t care if I was using a guy for sex or vice-versa, I’m not going anywhere for awhile simply because I need to recover from the ‘mind-blowing sex’ I just had. The only person that needs to get out of bed is him to go pee...like all men do for some reason? In my humble opinion.

I’m gonna keep reading now. It is funny though and very weird. In a good way.

I have high hopes for some 'heart' in here.
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Female Gaze
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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And there it is, the heart!

Ok. 20 pages in and we got a government experiment (of course). Some allusions to incest (naturally) I knew Tessa was too good to be true. And an alien hottie who feels bad about something her did in his past (Smallville mixed with Hancock)

Ok then.

All the formatting and lack of description aside this is actually a good story.  (**)???? What is that???? like ('') maybe. You asked about the underline and thought it was silly in my script but it's actually how you go about emphasizing a word.

I just wish that your goal wasn't to be crude and offensive. Here it doesn't work because underneath is a story about an alien who just wants to belong.

But if your gonna go that route go that route.  

I'm gonna keep reading.
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Cooper
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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It's really great getting your feedback. I'm going to hold off on asking questions until you've read more (because there are some things I'm not clear on) but I'm happy that you're enjoying story (issues aside)

But this can't wait. Incest???? Whoa! That definitely wasn't intended or alluded to. Anywhere. Not intended. Holy crap.

Tessa is supposed to be good. Totally good. No bad intentions. Loves her family. No incest. Ever. Anywhere in this screenplay. Please tell me where you think it is and I'll promptly light that section on fire.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Female Gaze
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Quoted from Cooper
It's really great getting your feedback. I'm going to hold off on asking questions until you've read more (because there are some things I'm not clear on) but I'm happy that you're enjoying story (issues aside)

But this can't wait. Incest???? Whoa! That definitely wasn't intended or alluded to. Anywhere. Not intended. Holy crap.

Tessa is supposed to be good. Totally good. No bad intentions. Loves her family. No incest. Ever. Anywhere in this screenplay. Please tell me where you think it is and I'll promptly light that section on fire.


Sorry, I assumed they were brother and sister because 'Uncle Nick'. The incest thing was a joke. I know they're not related, now. Right?
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Female Gaze
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Quoted Text

The blur stops when she holds up a glass with condensation
running down the side. Inside is an icy cold drink.

Nick's muscles bulge as he SWOOSHES up her -- shirtless.

TESSA
Lemonade?

Nick looks bewildered.

NICK
Lemon -- aide?

TESSA
It's delicious. Try it.

Nick takes a sip, looking like he could be auditioning for
either a Pepsi commercial or a beefcake photo shoot.
Tessa coyly bites her lip. Runs her hand through her hair,
entranced by Nick's muscles.

NICK
Are you okay?

Busted.

TESSA
Oh yes, sorry.

Beat.

TESSA (CONT'D)
Just some pregnancy cravings.




?????????
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Cooper
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Yes, Nick landed in a pod from outer space. No relation. You scared me for a sec.


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Nolan
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Cooper,

I assume this is the script you were referring to when you had read mine a little while ago.  I had a quick read of it today, mainly just going over it and not really picking anything out, and I did like it.  I will have some time tomorrow to go over it a little more thoroughly and provide some feedback for you.

Nolan
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Cooper
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Cool! I wondered what you would think of it. My original title was "Not So Super" so I freaked out a little when yours popped up lol. I don't love "Super Slacker" but it more or less works.

Glad you enjoyed it!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Female Gaze
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Quoted from Cooper
Cool! I wondered what you would think of it. My original title was "Not So Super" so I freaked out a little when yours popped up lol. I don't love "Super Slacker" but it more or less works.

Glad you enjoyed it!



I'm still reading but.....I like 'Just Nick' as a title.  
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Nolan
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If you're not a fan of "Super Slacker", you're more than welcome to use "Not So Super".  I've since changed the title of mine to "Supernetics".  

What I usually do when I review scripts is point out little things such as spelling mistakes, little points in the script, etc.  I know that I read over my scripts ten or more times sometimes and still miss a lot.  It's always nice to have another set of eyes looking out for them.  Then after all of that I'll give my thoughts of everything!  Like I said, I did read it once already, and enjoyed it.  So, here goes.

Page 2: You didn't introduce Tessa in all caps.  And this may be a minor point, but the line "doesn't seem amused" could be better.  I feel like you should give her some sort of facial expression to get that across.  Or even take that part out completely, because on the next action line you have her giving Nick a dirty look.  That would indicate to me she's not amused.

Page 2:  Anytime in dialogue it's a good idea to write out any numbers.  For instance, 11 should be eleven.  Or even PG thirteen.  

Page 6:  Amy is in caps.  Is she in the scene?  I can see from how you wrote everything that she's not, so unless she's being introduced on screen physically you don't need her name in caps.

Page 7:  Attractive woman should be in caps if she's on the screen.  Actually, the first half of page 7 is a little confusing.  Is the attractive woman Amy?  And did she just wait around for twenty minutes?  

Page 7:  I feel like "Nick and Amy are naked in bed" would work better as "Nick and Amy lay in bed, naked"

Page 7:  Same thing with the other attractive women.  I know they're very minor characters, but I'd have them in all caps, especially if they're on camera by themselves for any amount of time.  

Page 8:  "Watching soccer on his phone".  There's really nothing wrong with using an "ing", but in this case I think "He watches soccer on his phone" would be better script wise.  I use "ing" on words as well, but I try to use it as little as possible.  Sometimes it just flows better, sometimes it doesn't.  In this case, I think you don't need to use it.  

Page 8:  "This may seem like a dream scenario for many men but as they all slumber, Nick is fidgeting".  I don't think the dream scenario line is of any use here.  This would be something that you'd put in a novel, but not in a script.  The old adage "Show, don' tell" comes to mind.  Perhaps something like "Nick fidgets in bed, while the three gorgeous women sleep peacefully around him".  That single line would take care of the three action paragraphs you have.  With regards to the nightmare line, I don't think it's necessary.  We go right into the nightmare scene afterwards, and from his fidgeting, one would assume something like that is happening anyway... at least I would!

Page 10:  "Sammy stampedes out with group of FRIENDS".  Should that be "Sammy stampedes out with a group of FRIENDS"?

Page 11:  Just a nit pick, but maybe you should re-arrange the order of your flashback.  I'd put the German rave first, only since Germany is six hours ahead of Eastern Standard time.  

Page 12:  Is the Newscast clip a scene?  Is the Anchor in the scene or is he off screen? Or is the picture of the terrorist the only thing being shown?  The way it's played out in the script is that the Anchor is being shown.  I feel like you're looking to just show the clip, without the Anchor in the scene.  You've gotta make that clearer.

Page 12:  Tessa - "You know this bigger than the car, Nick".  Should be "You know this is bigger than the car, Nick"

Page 12:  Tessa - "A professional. to help you deal with--".  I'm not sure if you accidentally put the period in there, but if you did, to should be capitalized.  

Page 14:  Nick "So you're like priest then?".  I think you're missing an "a".

Page 16:  Is there a need for "Inside: polite chatter...?".  You've already told us that the scene is happening inside with your slug line.  

Page 17: I think you need a V.O. rather than a O.S. for the dialogue there.  And the numbers in the dialogue again.  

Page 17:  "Tessa's is startled" should be "Tessa is startled"

Page 20:  "He takes a SIP with a spoon.  Needs salt."  You say it needs salt here, but nowhere does it say that Nick actually puts any salt in it, or anything like that.  Unless you have him physically put salt in whatever is cooking, there's no way the audience would know that it needs salt.  

Page 23:  There's a period missing at the end of Sammy's dialogue when he's singing along with his music.

Page 24:  The scene where Nick tries the suit on is a little confusing.  He's speaking off screen, but when she pulls the mirror out, he's there.  I feel like what you're aiming for is to have him appear in the mirror.  If that's the case, I'd take another look at that and see if you can re-word a few things to make it clearer.

Page 25:  Dr. Light "So this anxiety you have.  It's tied to you old job?".  You should be your.

Page 27:  Dialogue "100-thousand".

Page 28: "Nick's alien brain automatically and visually PROCESSES what it's seeing".  How does this happen?  It's just an awkward line that, if I was a film maker, I'd wonder how I was supposed to film that.  Show me how Nick processes it with something more visual.  And you do that in the next few lines with Nick's reaction.  In my opinion, the first part of Nick processing everything isn't needed.

Page 29:  "Nick's mental calculations show it's actually speeding".  Again, kind of awkward.  Take another look at that.

Page 30:  This is one of those examples where I'd say using "ing" wouldn't be necessary.  "Veins are popping in Nick's forehead".  That could be written as "The veins in Nick's forehead pop".  Know what I mean?  It is cleaner and not as passive as using the "ing" in this instance.  Or "It's not budging" could be "It doesn't budge".  You get the point.  I'll leave any more comments like that out from here on out.  

Page 32:  "Her father looks up in disbelieve then down at Nick".  Disbelieve should be disbelief.  

Page 33-34:  The New Anchor is speaking twice, without any kind of action line between his dialogue.  And in one dialogue block he's speaking on screen and in the next one he's speaking O.S.  And there's a 2 in the dialogue.  

Page 34:  "Knocking down a second light poll".  Poll should be pole.

Page 36:  The reporters are never introduced, they just have speaking roles.  And, you have some speaking O.S. at different points.  I can infer what you're trying to do, but make it as clear as day when you're writing so there's no miscommunication about it.  

Page 37: "A military bands warms up".  No s on bands.

Page 38:  "Stanford is mileas away wearing a motion capture suit".  Mileas should be miles.  

Page 41:  In your action dialogue you say every male is wearing a hoodie, including a young kid.  Wouldn't he be included in the every male?  I think the every male wearing a hoodie line would suffice.  

Page 46:  "Gunfire and explosions as Nick is plays a video game".  

Page 50:  Cole should be coal.

Page 57:  Mattison's dialogue should be in a V.O. rather than O.S.

Page 57:  Nick's dialogue "Why are you so afraid is me?".  I'm thinking is should be of.

Page 60:  General's dialogue "Do all these buttons to the same thing?".  To should be do.

Page 61 to 62:  In my opinion, the call to the other room isn't needed.  The joke was a good one in the scene before that.  I think it may be a little over kill to keep it going with one more scene.  Again, just my opinion on that one.

Page 65:  Take another look at that slug line.  It says what's happening is inside, but from the writing it appears to be outside.  

Page 66:  May I suggest a separate scene with Nick's home planet rather than just a line?  Then you would have Zookri and Nick talking in V.O. rather than the O.S.  Same thing at the bottom of the scene.  Perhaps block all of those visions into one scene with the two speaking in voice overs.  Just a suggestion.

Page 71:  Pilot and passenger were never introduced, and they have speaking parts.  

Page 72:  Nick's dialogue "Really?  Who are snapchatting right now?".  I think that should be "you".

Page 72:  You're missing a period at the end of the page.

Page 74:  Buff Cosplayer dialogue "I think he might be PCP".  Judging from Nick's reaction, I think you're missing "on" before PCP.

Page 77:  You're missing an "a" in the General's dialogue at the top of the page.

Page 78:  Is it day or night in the lecture hall?  You didn't specify in your slug line.

Page 83:  Stanford's dialogue, the = should be spelled out.

Page 85:  You have a scene taking place in the fighter jet, yet you mention that the General is on the ground the general looks pained.  If it's necessary to the scene, I'd say that would require a different scene all together even though it's very short.

Page 86:  Nick hears.  Describe what Nick hears rather than telling us he hears something.

From here I just skimmed to the end of it since I've read it before.  

So, those are just some things in the script that you need to look over and touch up.  The only reason I do this, and this is not a knock on you, is that because I find it hard when I'm reviewing my own work to notice any mistakes.  Like I said, I read over my scripts many times and still find mistakes galore!  I always liked when other people point them out to me, that way I can deal with them directly.

Go back and review your dialogue.  Anytime you have numbers in there, write them out in their entirety.  

As for the story itself; like I said, I enjoyed it.  I'm a Superman fan, and obviously this is drawing a lot from Superman.  There were some funny moments in there that I had a good chuckle over.  

You use "ing" a lot, when it's not necessarily needed.  I mentioned that in one of the comments.  Generally in scripts, people stay away from "ing" as a rule.  I, however, don't really follow that rule as sometimes using "ing" just flows better with what I'm trying to get across.  But, you do it quite a few times when it's not needed at all.  Refer to my comment for page 30 again for a better explanation for that.  Just know when to use it, and when not to use it.

I think Nick is a good character.  You get a good sense of how he's feeling and why he chooses to do what he does, and why he went away from being a hero.  So, good job there.  

As for the first scene, I think this has been mentioned in the discussion, I think the footage from the movie should all be shown at once rather than going back and forth.  it does kind of slow it down.  

When I read this yesterday, I sped through it.  The story kept me interested and that's really what matters in the long run, in my humble.  However, it does need to be tightened up.  There were some times it was a little confusing with the voice overs and the off screens, and some of the descriptions.  Take your time in going over that.  Again, I could be completely wrong with the voice overs and off screens in the fact that you were doing exactly what you wanted to do.  But, if the reader doesn't understand what you're trying to tell him/her, then there could be a problem.  Make sure everything that you're writing is concise.  

Again, good job.  It kept me interested.  A little predictable at times, but there's nothing wrong with that.  If you can get engrossed in the story, then that's all that matters.  And that's what happened with me

Good luck,

Nolan



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DanC
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Hey Cooper,
    I did read it and I even slept on it.  Honestly, for me, I don't really notice things until I focus on them after I get done.

Overall, I enjoyed it.  Unlike the others here, I'm not gonna post the "little things."  Instead, I'm gonna focus on story issues you could run into.

But, first a few things I laughed at for the wrong reasons:

1.  The karate scene at the beginning when Nick comments about an uzi not doing any damage, but, his hands can.  Karnac would probably kill Awesome Man.  He's a Marvel inhuman who can find the weakness in any object or person with his eyes.  So, just sayin'...

2.  Do the emojis really work like that?  I was clueless too...  And how will you show this information in the movie??

3.  You have music by artists.  I'd refrain from doing so.  Let the studios work out whatever they want.

4.  On page 9, he's in bed with all those girls.  How can they "look" satisfied and at the same time sleeping?  Is he sleeping with them in their dreams too?

5.  On page 12, you have the telecast about him being a terrorist for us to see, but, not them?  I'd imagine he'd be worried about that, especially given the past...

6.  One thing I don't understand, like at all.  How did the gov't find out his name?  I get that they got his DNA from the failed assassination attempt, but, that wouldn't lead them to his name.  So, how would they ever know anything personal about him??

7.  This is a big issue for me and one I will spend some time with.  You basically copied Superman's trip to Earth AND gave him his same powers.

Why would the alien look totally human?  Unless he's got super powers on his planet, where is the learning curve?  Why give him Superman's powers like exactly the same powers?  

I think you need to really make him look different, perhaps when he uses his powers.  And change them up from Superman.  If you aren't really knowledgeable in powers or how they work, let me know and I will work up a "bible" for the movie.

Superman got his powers from the yellow sun.  Again, unless everyone on his planet has those powers, where did he get them?  And if everyone does have powers, then why did he need a spacecraft to find Earth?

So, are we to assume that the movie takes place in 2017, meaning he's been here since 05?

It is SOOOOOOOO telegraphed that they are gonna fall in love.  I mean, why wait until the end of the movie?  It makes no sense.  Why wouldn't she pursue him that day she was fawning over him?  

Oh, and this is something many of us who really understand powers talk about.  How does he groom himself?  How does he cut his hair?  In all honesty, I have no issues with him having sex with 6 women in one night.  He's superman and he regenerates, so, he's good to go.  

What I do have issues with is that his sneeze can blow a person a few blocks.  So, if he has sex and he, ahem, "cums" in her, wouldn't that blow out the top of her skull?  Robot Chicken did a funny spoof of that.  Batman is trying to get to the bottom of how Lois Lane got the back of her skull blown out (the obvious answer is that she was giving Superman a BJ and it blew out the back of her skull) and there's Clark, squirming while Batman investigates...

8.  I like some death metal, so, I take some offense to what Sammy's pale attempt at whatever song you think that was...

9.  Is it ever explained why he has no memory of his former life?  

10.  You also never clearly indicate exactly WHEN the request happens that he use his powers more.  

11.  I don't buy the whole Gov't keeping everyone in the dark about the asteroid.  If something's gonna hit the planet, millions will see it.  No way that's kept under wraps.

12.  In addition, an asteroid that big could and most likely would be a "planet killer" that would result in the death of the planet and all life on it.

13.  I was totally confused on page 28.  So, he flew out to space?  Did he bring oxygen to breathe?  He'd suffocate out there.  That's a weakness Superman has that often gets overlooked.  That's why in recent cartoons and movies he wears a mask that allows him to breathe in space.  It's a bit odd to think that he can fly to Krypton, but, he'd suffocate before he got there.

14.  Oh, you do, at times, the same thing that Ashley does.  You use the word "is" in non-dialog sentences.  It slows the reader down.  What reads best:
Nick is gonna go bowling.  Or- Nick goes bowling?  

15.  So, a fraction of the asteroid breaks off and hits the USA.  Bummer.  So, why couldn't he see that?

16.  Really?  A domino convention in a parking lot???  Yeah, um, no way...

17.  How could they be wrong with the asteroid?  That really made no sense.  You're better off saying that a chunk broke off at the last second, perhaps from him punching it and hits us.  He had weakened it and it just cracked.  He flew back to Earth, so, he never knew.

18.  Why wouldn't Nick say "oh Fuck, I screwed up" when it hits the USA?  He had no reaction at all.

19.  So, Nick gets an invite to a random "Thank you" party and Tessa doesn't warn him?  She knows what happened.  

20.  Why couldn't Nick see that the General was a hologram?  He has X-ray and can see into the inferred and ultraviolet spectrums.  He saw that the cars only have automatic weapons.  He's been on Earth for over a decade and knows how the planet operates, even if most of that knowledge came from bad superhero TV, comic books, and similar sources.

21.  So, Nick hides out in space until he isn't radioactive anymore.  How'd he get the TV into space and how is it working?  And how is it picking up transmissions?  And how is he breathing in a vacuum?

22.  I got the feeling that Tessa knew who Dr. Light was/looked light.  But, we know he was "removed" (killed by the army, but, wouldn't she comment on the Doctor's something?  His personality, quirks, physical attributes, etc? She recommended him.  

23.  You really do need to explain how they found out his name?  I see no evidence how that happened.

24.  It isn't a Cole mine, it's a Coal Mine.

25.  I don't want to beat a dead horse, but, he comes out of a theater, and gets hit by a missile.  See the issue?  Perhaps if you cut to them debating if the loss of life in the movie theater is okay if they get him.  I know that's a touchy subject (the batman killings) so, that might not work.  But, you have to show they are on to him.  And show us how they put the pieces together.  

Perhaps you keep Dr. Light legit and make him work for the gov't and he contacts them.  That'd tie everything together nicely and be easy to fix.  You can change the ending to show that he's come to realize that he loves Tessa and the Doc tries to help.  And only when Nick threatens to stop going to therapy does the Dr. make the call to take him in...

26.  You say that the Dr. has 1 hr to break Nick then he takes over, yet, you don't wait for 60 pages.  Pretty much everything happens quickly here, so, I'd change that to 20 min.

I will end this here b/c I don't know how much space we have before I have to trim.  I will continue later today.  I need to rest right now.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Cooper
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Nolan:

First of all thanks spotting so many tiny errors! You're right, you become blind to stuff after reading it a bunch of times. SUPER helpful.


Page 6:  Amy is in caps.  Is she in the scene?  I can see from how you wrote everything that she's not, so unless she's being introduced on screen physically you don't need her name in caps.

Page 7:  Attractive woman should be in caps if she's on the screen.  Actually, the first half of page 7 is a little confusing.  Is the attractive woman Amy?  And did she just wait around for twenty minutes?  


You're right. This threw a lot of people off. I simply wanted to indicate that the woman he was texting with in Kansas, was the woman who knocked on the door in New York. I clearly need to rethink formatting to make that clearer. She wasn't waiting. It just takes people 20 minutes to get ready and show up some place.

Page 8:  "This may seem like a dream scenario for many men but as they all slumber, Nick is fidgeting".  I don't think the dream scenario line is of any use here.  This would be something that you'd put in a novel, but not in a script.  The old adage "Show, don' tell" comes to mind.  Perhaps something like "Nick fidgets in bed, while the three gorgeous women sleep peacefully around him".  That single line would take care of the three action paragraphs you have.  With regards to the nightmare line, I don't think it's necessary.  We go right into the nightmare scene afterwards, and from his fidgeting, one would assume something like that is happening anyway... at least I would!

You're probably right. I think I'm trying to make it very clear because in my very first draft a friend was thrown by the time jumps. I'll look at the nightmare line again. I like it because it drives home the point that he's "living the dream" juxtaposed to having a nightmare. But you're right, that's me just indulging in some overwriting lol.

Page 11:  Just a nit pick, but maybe you should re-arrange the order of your flashback.  I'd put the German rave first, only since Germany is six hours ahead of Eastern Standard time.  

HA! Didn't even occur to me. The only reason I put them in that order is because I wanted to go from most familiar (US) to least familiar (rain forest tribe). i have to assume most people wouldn't notice, so I'll leave that one.

Page 12:  Is the Newscast clip a scene?  Is the Anchor in the scene or is he off screen? Or is the picture of the terrorist the only thing being shown?  The way it's played out in the script is that the Anchor is being shown.  I feel like you're looking to just show the clip, without the Anchor in the scene.  You've gotta make that clearer.


The anchor is on the news desk then they take the terrorist picture full. That what I was trying to get across. it would be a voice over for the newscast -- but I'm not sure how to describe it for the newscast -- within a movie. (do you see what I'm saying). Guessing I should just use an action line to describe FOOTAGE or something? I used O.S. because we're not seeing him but he's still talking under the footage.


Page 20:  "He takes a SIP with a spoon.  Needs salt."  You say it needs salt here, but nowhere does it say that Nick actually puts any salt in it, or anything like that.  Unless you have him physically put salt in whatever is cooking, there's no way the audience would know that it needs salt.  

Totally right. I think I was just going for the face you make, when you're cooking and something needs salt. Almost as an expression "needs salt". Nothing more.

Page 24:  The scene where Nick tries the suit on is a little confusing.  He's speaking off screen, but when she pulls the mirror out, he's there.  I feel like what you're aiming for is to have him appear in the mirror.  If that's the case, I'd take another look at that and see if you can re-word a few things to make it clearer.


Totally right. Need to clear that up.

Page 28: "Nick's alien brain automatically and visually PROCESSES what it's seeing".  How does this happen?  It's just an awkward line that, if I was a film maker, I'd wonder how I was supposed to film that.  Show me how Nick processes it with something more visual.  And you do that in the next few lines with Nick's reaction.  In my opinion, the first part of Nick processing everything isn't needed.


The line before describes lines and calculations being superimposed. That is Nick's brain processing automatically. He just sees it. Does that make sense? He had no idea how it happens, it just does. I figure a director could do whatever effects they wanted to make it clearer.


Page 29:  "Nick's mental calculations show it's actually speeding".  Again, kind of awkward.  Take another look at that.


Looks like I have to reevaluate the way I describe this. Because this is the same thing. Supported by superimposed images and calculations. His alien brain just computes stuff on it's own.


Page 33-34:  The New Anchor is speaking twice, without any kind of action line between his dialogue.  And in one dialogue block he's speaking on screen and in the next one he's speaking O.S.  And there's a 2 in the dialogue.  

Same thing as before I think. I need to put "LIVE FOOTAGE shows smoke rising from a distance" in between the lines.

Page 36:  The reporters are never introduced, they just have speaking roles.  And, you have some speaking O.S. at different points.  I can infer what you're trying to do, but make it as clear as day when you're writing so there's no miscommunication about it.  

Does the PRESS CORPS introduction in the line above not satisfy that requirement? That's a collection of reporters.

You're right on the O.S. I guess it would be a (VO) if the video pops in, but that seems strange. Should I just take it out and leave in the action line about "internet videos show a distant object"?

Page 41:  In your action dialogue you say every male is wearing a hoodie, including a young kid.  Wouldn't he be included in the every male?  I think the every male wearing a hoodie line would suffice.  

The kid is just there to add insult to injury for the cops. To drive home the point that EVERYONE wears hoodies (and who could be MORE innocent that a kid)

Page 61 to 62:  In my opinion, the call to the other room isn't needed.  The joke was a good one in the scene before that.  I think it may be a little over kill to keep it going with one more scene.  Again, just my opinion on that one.


I'll take another look as a go through future drafts.

Page 66:  May I suggest a separate scene with Nick's home planet rather than just a line?  Then you would have Zookri and Nick talking in V.O. rather than the O.S.  Same thing at the bottom of the scene.  Perhaps block all of those visions into one scene with the two speaking in voice overs.  Just a suggestion.


Not a bad idea. I'll look at it again.


Page 85:  You have a scene taking place in the fighter jet, yet you mention that the General is on the ground the general looks pained.  If it's necessary to the scene, I'd say that would require a different scene all together even though it's very short.


I think so. The General has a chance to kill two birds with one stone. I think it's important to his growth -- and makes the happy ending make more sense.


I think Nick is a good character.  You get a good sense of how he's feeling and why he chooses to do what he does, and why he went away from being a hero.  So, good job there.  


Thanks. I think you really got what I was trying to do here!

If you can get engrossed in the story, then that's all that matters.  And that's what happened with me


Sweet. Thanks Nolan! Really helpful!



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DanC,

Thanks for the read and comments. I think the key to this screenplay is that it's making fun of comic book and action movie conventions -- so some of this stuff is literally done, just to be funny and ridiculous.


Overall, I enjoyed it.

This is a trend! Sweet!



2.  Do the emojis really work like that?  I was clueless too...  And how will you show this information in the movie??


Yes and no. They absolutely have sexual meaning like that -- I just riffed a bit on the meanings -- but all are based in reality. I figure the translation would be subtitled. I should probably just write that explicitly

3.  You have music by artists.  I'd refrain from doing so.  Let the studios work out whatever they want.


I know this is a sin -- but I do it as a punchline. If they have to drop the song, that's fine (I gave options) but it's a punchline. I'm going to add an action line to make it clear "Nick literally has hoes in different area codes".

4.  On page 9, he's in bed with all those girls.  How can they "look" satisfied and at the same time sleeping?  Is he sleeping with them in their dreams too?


Grins on their faces I guess. I was just trying to be economical with words but maybe I need to write that out.

5.  On page 12, you have the telecast about him being a terrorist for us to see, but, not them?  I'd imagine he'd be worried about that, especially given the past...


That's the point. He should be worried but he doesn't care. He's incredibly irresponsible. That's what drives him and Tessa apart (and ultimately sets the story in motion)

One thing I don't understand, like at all.  How did the gov't find out his name?  I get that they got his DNA from the failed assassination attempt, but, that wouldn't lead them to his name.  So, how would they ever know anything personal about him??


They figure where he was on page 8 - the data inputting is vague -- but it's clearer on 13 in the bunker. Screens show air traffic around the world. He tells the General, you were right. it wasn't just birds. The general wants the extraction team on standby because they know exactly where he is.

I didn't want to be too explicit because otherwise you'd know they were keeping tabs on him. but yeah -- nick's irresponsibility made him easy to track for someone who was looking.  

7.  This is a big issue for me and one I will spend some time with.  You basically copied Superman's trip to Earth AND gave him his same powers.


That's by design. The whole concept of this movie (which primarily is a comedy) is what would happen if Superman was a complete dick lol. That was where I started. The rest of the story filled it self in from there.

I'm absolutely making fun of super man's origin story and powers. This really isn't supposed to be an "origin story". Nick isn't a super hero. That's the point. He's just dude with powers who is kind of a dick lol.

Superman got his powers from the yellow sun.  Again, unless everyone on his planet has those powers, where did he get them?  And if everyone does have powers, then why did he need a spacecraft to find Earth?

In my mind he's an explorer. His planet's survival requires knowledge and eliminating potential competitors. I don't think the backstory that critical here. I think spoofing superman helps with that.


It is SOOOOOOOO telegraphed that they are gonna fall in love.  I mean, why wait until the end of the movie?  It makes no sense.  Why wouldn't she pursue him that day she was fawning over him?  

She did, kind of but he was never in that place. He was like a big kid -- a boy scout until "Denver". that experience and isolation made him jaded.



How does he groom himself?  How does he cut his hair?
with laser vision and a mirror? I think I remember reading that in a superman comic a long time ago.

So, if he has sex and he, ahem, "cums" in her, wouldn't that blow out the top of her skull?  Robot Chicken did a funny spoof of that.
That spoof sounds hilarious. I actually considered something a long that line but it's just not where the story went. I would also point out that I remember reading a comic when I was a kid, that had Superman and Lois Lane having a kid. So therefore, i think my reasoning is sound.


8.  I like some death metal, so, I take some offense to what Sammy's pale attempt at whatever song you think that was...


Sorry, maybe that line wasn't funny. I felt like I needed something (to drive home the fact that Sammy is in the dark) and that's just the first thing that occurred to me.

9.  Is it ever explained why he has no memory of his former life?  
when he land he bleeding from the center of his forehead. As we go through the movie, we understand that area is critically important to his alien race (with telepathy etc.)

10.  You also never clearly indicate exactly WHEN the request happens that he use his powers more.  
You mean a year? I kind of did, it happened after Sammy turned 10 and before the start of the movie (when he was 11)

11.  I don't buy the whole Gov't keeping everyone in the dark about the asteroid.  If something's gonna hit the planet, millions will see it.  No way that's kept under wraps.


That's true. The government didn't keep people in the dark. they just denied the truth, blaming lie on facebook. they didn't care because it might take out US enemies.


12.  In addition, an asteroid that big could and most likely would be a "planet killer" that would result in the death of the planet and all life on it.

True. That's a plot hole.

13.  I was totally confused on page 28.  So, he flew out to space?  Did he bring oxygen to breathe?  He'd suffocate out there.  That's a weakness Superman has that often gets overlooked.  That's why in recent cartoons and movies he wears a mask that allows him to breathe in space.  It's a bit odd to think that he can fly to Krypton, but, he'd suffocate before he got there.


Again, I'm going of the super man methology here -- Specifically Superman 1 and 2, there are scenes with him in space.


14.  Oh, you do, at times, the same thing that Ashley does.  You use the word "is" in non-dialog sentences.  It slows the reader down.  What reads best:
Nick is gonna go bowling.  Or- Nick goes bowling?  

You're absolutely right.


15.  So, a fraction of the asteroid breaks off and hits the USA.  Bummer.  So, why couldn't he see that?


He wasn't paying attention.

16.  Really?  A domino convention in a parking lot???  Yeah, um, no way...


That whole scene was just supposed to be funny, along with having the cliche guys carrying glass panes across the street. It's humorous because you know a giant asteroid is coming and they don't (I think that's one of the forms of comedic irony)

17.  How could they be wrong with the asteroid?  That really made no sense.  You're better off saying that a chunk broke off at the last second, perhaps from him punching it and hits us.  He had weakened it and it just cracked.  He flew back to Earth, so, he never knew.


They were focused on the BIG asteroid. Why would they even look for pieces. they had no idea someone was trying to change the course.

18.  Why wouldn't Nick say "oh Fuck, I screwed up" when it hits the USA?  He had no reaction at all.


shock.


19.  So, Nick gets an invite to a random "Thank you" party and Tessa doesn't warn him?  She knows what happened.  


She probably encouraged him to go. He did save a lot of people.


20.  Why couldn't Nick see that the General was a hologram?  He has X-ray and can see into the inferred and ultraviolet spectrums.  He saw that the cars only have automatic weapons.  He's been on Earth for over a decade and knows how the planet operates, even if most of that knowledge came from bad superhero TV, comic books, and similar sources.


Nick is really sheltered up to this point. Never been out of Kansas until then. He's totally naive. A big kid.  

21.  So, Nick hides out in space until he isn't radioactive anymore.  How'd he get the TV into space and how is it working?  And how is it picking up transmissions?  And how is he breathing in a vacuum?


Superman straight up reversed time by reversing the rotation of the earth. I'm taking a pass on that one. Also TV transmissions do radiate into space.


22.  I got the feeling that Tessa knew who Dr. Light was/looked light.  But, we know he was "removed" (killed by the army, but, wouldn't she comment on the Doctor's something?  His personality, quirks, physical attributes, etc? She recommended him.  


She didn't recommend him. She just said see someone or pack or stuff. By then the military was monitoring their phones.


23.  You really do need to explain how they found out his name?  I see no evidence how that happened.


when they found where he was flying from. they had everything they needed. this is the government we're talking about .


25.  I don't want to beat a dead horse, but, he comes out of a theater, and gets hit by a missile.  See the issue?  Perhaps if you cut to them debating if the loss of life in the movie theater is okay if they get him.  I know that's a touchy subject (the batman killings) so, that might not work.  But, you have to show they are on to him.  And show us how they put the pieces together.  


this was done for comedic value. they wouldn't bomb a theater, that's over the top. They waited until he was in a place where they could take him out.


Perhaps you keep Dr. Light legit and make him work for the gov't and he contacts them.  That'd tie everything together nicely and be easy to fix.  You can change the ending to show that he's come to realize that he loves Tessa and the Doc tries to help.  And only when Nick threatens to stop going to therapy does the Dr. make the call to take him in...

Nick never tells Dr. Light about his powers. He has to know on his own. Also I love Dr. Light. He's actually a good guy, when you think about it. He spends the entire movie trying to save Nick from himself and from the hole than Stanford wants to stick him in. He ultimately dies because of it.


26.  You say that the Dr. has 1 hr to break Nick then he takes over, yet, you don't wait for 60 pages.  Pretty much everything happens quickly here, so, I'd change that to 20 min.
It's not real time. An hour just felt right, but I'll take another look.


Thank you so much for all the feedback! This is all very helpful. Hopefully you can tell that I really thought this stuff through lol.


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Josh
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Pg. 2: “You’re so screwed” look… I understand what this might be, but I fear it could be a little nebulous in terms of what you wanna communicate.

Pg. 2: “She’s tough, beautiful, and protective” I don’t think this description is concrete enough for me to actually picture a person, I think more specific physical description would be better in this case.

I think just generally I’m not a huge fan of the number of implied characteristics in these character descriptions, but that just might be me. I like Nick’s intro, but not so much the ones for the other members of this family.

So far I really love the dialogue. Most of the zingers totally land, and I love the snark here.

The smash cut on pg. 10 is fucking hilarious.

This angry interaction between Tessa and Nick after he trashes the Ferrari seems kinda forced? She’s unloading her frustrations and Nick’s flaws onto him, but it seems like a “look audience, this is what’s wrong with Nick” scene a little too obviously, and I think there are better ways to do it. I think Sammy is a better vessel for this message than Tessa, who always seems to be nagging on him. Tessa revealing “Denver” makes sense, but her yelling at him about partying after a car crash doesn’t seem to connect too well.

Okay, the General’s introduction is perfect. So, I may have been wrong about the others. I often am.

So right about page 22 and it feels to me that Tessa is too much of an information dump. She has a past that’s alluded to but, right now she just kind of talks at Nick about his motivations and needs and journey. Maybe Nick should be discovering the responsibilities he harbors on his own? I think just the Awesome Man TV show is a great way to do that, you already use it to communicate these ideas, and I don’t know if you need Tessa to ground them any more than they are.

On page 34, Nick’s transition from SUPER HAPPY to depressed and regretful seems way too quick. I think his celebration should be less cartoonish, him being exhausted but smiling and walking down the street would be more subtle.

Pg. 35: Should be “A bicycle sits on its side”

So, without knowing anything about the guy, the military just blasts this dude away? I think there should be more build-up to this. At least something that indicates MAYBE Nick could be super dangerous, more reason for alarm. I don’t think we really see that except for an implication that isn’t very clear.

Okay, so I’m at the midway point, and this is gonna suck, but I really don’t think this psychiatrist framing device works. It’s clever in a way, but it slows the story down a lot and gives this impression that there’s no real progression. All we’re seeing is backstory, a hidden past is the entire plot for half of this thing, and just by removing this framing device I think you’d be all clear to make this a straightforward character journey. If we see that Nick is totally fine but also a sex and partying addict with a lot of issues, a bunch of tension is lost from these plot points.

This isn’t an easy answer, of course. I still think the therapist could play a part of this story, just not THIS BIG a part.

The cops being exacerbated with everyone wearing the hoodie is pretty funny.

Pg. 50: “Cole” should be “coal”

I like the Modern Awesome Man scene. Poking fun at dark reboots is always a funny move.

Okay now the big reveal about Evan Light is up, but I’m still not sure if that angle works too well earlier in the story. This isn’t an easy solution, and it might just be me.

So why does Nick assume Dr. Light is a real person who exists somewhere rather than a character used by Mattison?

Jesus dude, the dialogue, even in a torture scene, is super funny. I love it. Between this and your descriptions I’m getting some serious Shane Black vibes here.

Pg. 64, the Forrest Gump reference is a little clunky

Nick’s reaction to meeting Zookri is awfully cavalier. I’d expect more confusion and resistance.

The lead up to the final fight is SUPER quick. The conflict is established well, but it’s also very rushed.

I really, really, really like this element of these aliens wanting knowledge of how to conquer by taking our ability to do that. That’s a really cool commentary I don’t think I’ve seen expressed this way before.

Finished. I have to say. I. Loved it. I know I listed out a bunch of my issues that may not have made sense, but if I wanted to give my honest thoughts all the way through, it would’ve just been praise upon praise. This was really satisfying, and I could TOTALLY see it on the big screen. The biting political commentary was also really nice in a world of sterile apolitical superhero movies. Wow. Great stuff here. I’m not exaggerating when I say this was a hilarious and amazingly fun breeze to read.


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Quoted from Josh
I. Loved it. I know I listed out a bunch of my issues that may not have made sense, but if I wanted to give my honest thoughts all the way through, it would’ve just been praise upon praise. This was really satisfying, and I could TOTALLY see it on the big screen. The biting political commentary was also really nice in a world of sterile apolitical superhero movies. Wow. Great stuff here. I’m not exaggerating when I say this was a hilarious and amazingly fun breeze to read.


I'm seriously blown away by the praise! Thanks Josh! I'm about to start work on the second draft so your notes are extremely helpful!

FYI I just finished your screenplay and emailed you page by page notes. Going to post some general thoughts on the board.


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