Outsideria by Maxim Ibragimov - Comedy - The story of ordinary lives under the dome of one mall is told through the power of saying yes to life. 118 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

The title loses me, I'm wondering what the word "outsideria" means. Also, I don't understand your logline very well and namely what "through the power of saying yes to life" stands for. You might want to revise it, make it about a character or something.

I went through the first five pages of the script. "Passengers fill the streets" - "passengers" is confusing. I like the fact that their dialog has some texture, but it isn't smooth. Most of it sounds stilted - starting from the very first line "yep, really nice start to a day" - way too formal I'd say. Archies dialog with the security man goes on for too long. How old is Archie, by the way?

Kristine does a lot of sniffing. Makes me think she wants to sniff something out, but I know she's sick. Just say that her voice sounds nasal or she sounds congested.

Some of their dialogs lose me - for example, Dave starts giving them instructions about how to carry on with the day and then suddenly switches to Buzz and his name. He goes back to what he was talking about but the whole thing doesn't read smoothly.

Hope you show up on boards.

Okay, it's outside area. Duh. But still

Yeah, sorry, I really don't care about this script anymore lol