SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 24th, 2020, 11:35am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Outsideria Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Outsideria  (currently 731 views)
Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2018, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14280
Posts Per Day
1.97
Outsideria by Maxim Ibragimov - Comedy - The story of ordinary lives under the dome of one mall is told through the power of saying yes to life. 118 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
khamanna
Posted: January 8th, 2018, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3835
Posts Per Day
0.94
Hi,

The title loses me, I'm wondering what the word "outsideria" means. Also, I don't understand your logline very well and namely what "through the power of saying yes to life" stands for. You might want to revise it, make it about a character or something.

I went through the first five pages of the script. "Passengers fill the streets" - "passengers" is confusing. I like the fact that their dialog has some texture, but it isn't smooth. Most of it sounds stilted - starting from the very first line "yep, really nice start to a day" - way too formal I'd say. Archies dialog with the security man goes on for too long. How old is Archie, by the way?

Kristine does a lot of sniffing. Makes me think she wants to sniff something out, but I know she's sick. Just say that her voice sounds nasal or she sounds congested.

Some of their dialogs lose me - for example, Dave starts giving them instructions about how to carry on with the day and then suddenly switches to Buzz and his name. He goes back to what he was talking about but the whole thing doesn't read smoothly.

Hope you show up on boards.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
khamanna
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 11:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3835
Posts Per Day
0.94
Okay, it's outside area. Duh. But still
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
Franz
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
Yeah, sorry, I really don't care about this script anymore lol
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006