I liked this off-the-wall story. Nice to see sci-fi that doesn't take itself too seriously
First, some observations on the formatting and presentation.
The first scene is full of on-the-nose dialogue. That gets smoothed out over time with re-writing.
As far as I'm aware, characters are CAPPED when they are first seen
, not when they are first mentioned
. Putting a bit of dialogue in CAPS indicates emphasis.
The SHEET OF PAPER shot should be INSERT: SHEET OF PAPER (this gives the director some leeway as to what else might be visible, though in this case probably just Dick's hand and the floor). There are a number of other shots that end with BACK TO SCENE, and each should start with INSERT. Some shorter ones might be able to go with just an inline FOCUS, FAVOR or INTO VIEW rather than carve out a sub-scene.
I tried to look up what MOS means, and it's supposed to be an abbreviation for a "silent" scene that might get sound in post-production, but nothing recorded on-set. In context, it seems like you mean that the whispers and so on are indistinct. So long as you don't write what is whispered, it's understood that it's indistinct, and the director should have the actor just go "pst-pst-pst" or "rutabaga rutabaga."
Typo on page 23: "flee" instead of "flea."
On page 29-30, Elliot's explanation should be an actual flashback with Elliot's voice-over. Then Elliot can correct a detail, replaying a bit of the flashback. He can even admit to being fuzzy on a detail or two. Then the Broccoli Incident with the first wife can be shown mentioned as now, or shown as a brief image that speaks to an even sillier coincidence.
Similarly, the Really Bad Day could be shown on page 44.
The combat suddenly got a lot more gory at the "Exit" door on page 51. I'd recommend making the combat more... comical. As it is, it seems like you're intercutting between a comedy film and a low-budget sci-fi action movie.
A slug ending in MINUTES LATER doesn't really mean anything unless there's a clock on the wall, a visible hourglass, burning cigarette, etc. to show roughly how much time has passed. However, it seems pretty obvious in context that only a short time has elapsed without being explicit.
On page 82 (and probably other places I didn't notice), numbers in dialogue should be spelled out. That way the actor knows if you want "nineteen fifty-five" or "one nine five five."
On page 91, you either need a SUPER to indicate that two months have passed, or could try to be more subtle describing a change of season.
Now, about the story.
First, I don't understand comic timing and would not presume to tell you how to make this story funnier. But the physical comedy elements seem to fade away after the crash landing... would have appreciated seeing that keep up throughout the story.
The military generally doesn't allow smoking in operations floors like those shown in the opening scene. If Officer #1 is a general of some sort, soldiers would refer to him as "General" not "Sir."
The ruling of suicide seemed a real non-sequitur even for a comedy. Maybe Krinkle never liked him and, after determining the guilty party to his satisfaction, gives that person a reward.
You can make wine out of radishes. Just sayin'.
I got a bit lost toward the end. I agree with Nolan that the Brits and Japanese don't seem to serve much function other than making energy ribbon landings seem routine. If that's the case, there should be a landing as the Yanks set out on their assault, which they brush off as a distraction. During the intervening two months, of course, other landings occur. These can be lost explorers from history (see if you can be less obvious than Amelia Earhart), and if you'd like to play fast and loose with copyright, Solomon Epstein from The Expanse
What did Elliot find in the last scene? If that was some kind of reference then I didn't get it.
Hope to see where this goes. Good luck!