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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Aussie Jack Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Aussie Jack by Les Thompson - Comedy - This is a typical Aussie 'tell it how it is' ADULT COMEDY. It starts with Jack looking back at his adolescent years and his explicit sexual experiences after he leaves a small country town to discover what women expect. But the joke's on Jack when he returns home and finds that his former sweetheart is rapidly falling for a con-man. His mates enlist the help of notorious Bikies to try to win her back. 73 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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Lightfoot
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Lot's of problems here ...

I'll start off with the log line, it's way too long. Just give us an idea of what the story is about. For example...

A man returns to his small country town, and finds that a past sweetheart is falling for the wrong kind of guy.


Your scene headings are in correct,

EXT.BROKEN HILL SCULPTURE PARK LOOKOUT.DAY

EXT.NYNGAN. JACK SITTING OUTSIDE PUB SURROUNDED BY 3 OLD MATES, (SAME AGE GROUP)
-BLUEY, JOEY & JOHNNO. DAY

INT. OLD WOOLSHED NYNGAN. YOUNG JACKIS STANDING IN FRONT OF A MAKESHIFT
BLACKBOARD WITH THE WORDS "ABOUT EVE" DISPLAYED ON THE BOARD. THE YEAR IS 1960 AND
THREE TEENAGE BOYS ARE SITTING ON SHEARING STOOLS. DAY.


Should all be ....


INT. PARK LOOKOUT - DAY  

EXT. PUB PATIO - DAY

INT. OLD WOOLSHED - DAY

All you need is INT or EXR, the location this scene takes place at, and the time. Everything else should be put into the action. The "HE YEAR IS 1960 " would be better used as a super.

INT. OLD WOOLSHED - DAY

SUPER: 1960

A roughly put together classroom.

Young Jack writes on a large makeshift blackboard, the neat lettering reads " About Eve".

With a quick stroke he underscores it, slaps his hands clean, then turns to face three teen aged boys seated on shearing stools. All of the gaze at Young Jack, intrigued.

The dialogue is alright for the most part, but like your log line, are overwritten. These guys seem to be having actual conversation you'd see in everyday life, but dialogue in movies isn't like that. Try to have your characters say what they using as little words as possible.

I think your biggest issue here is the formatting, I suggest getting some screenwriting software or get templates in Word or whatever program you use. There are some free screenwriting programs out there, I use CeltX myself.



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