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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Novelty Spies Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 19th, 2018, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Novelty Spies (was Tina Darling) by Cindy L. Keller - Comedy - A wholesale novelty sales rep and her coworker must go undercover to save the company that they love when they realize that the new girl is definitely up to no good. 111 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AustinT
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Howdy there, Cindy

I went through the first 10 pages and I think your script could use some work. Apart from many simple grammatical errors plotted throughout your script (which of course you NEED to fix), your script just wasn't flowing well enough to catch my attention.

Even the first couple of pages were a bit of a chore to get through.

The biggest deterrent, IMO, are the technical aspects. Granted, these are things that don't have concrete rules, but when they are not taken into consideration they stunt the flow of the script. I found myself constantly backtracking trying to clarify things.

One of them is on your first page:


Quoted Text
TINA
And you can have them to me in two
days? Thank you so much.


She is meant to be speaking into the phone, and to be fair you do mention that in the action block preceding the line, but you should add underneath the character line, in parentheses : (into phone)

Or something along the lines of that.


Quoted Text
Tina, dressed in a business-like skirt and blouse, heads to
the table with a glass of orange juice in her hand.
ON THE TABLE
A framed photo of her with Jimmy. Next to that, a note, ink
pen, and her cell phone.
BACK TO SCENE
Tina notices the note. She lifts it, reads.


You don't need that "BACK TO SCENE", the framed photo is apart of the scene, your just emphasizing it as a visual, but it's part of the scene still. You don't need to write anything in there.


Quoted Text
Tina lays on a queen-size bed, cocooned within a thick,
white comforter.


When it comes to descriptive writing you definitely use some nice imagery, but what does the imagery add to the scene or characters? Here, you say she is "cocooned". That is a very specific, one-word description but I'm not exactly sure WHY you used it other than because it stands out as unique, evocative word. Does this imply Tina is a shut-in, keeps to herself or something?

You have to be  precise with each word you type into your script, your wording decisions should add to the character or scene and serve the overall tone of the script.

I know this stuff sounds pedantic but it compromised the read for me and these things do add up.

But this is all technical stuff, how's the story?

It's not very interesting to me so far. I'm not sure why I'm supposed to root for Tina.  All the events that happen in the first 10 pages aren't directly correlated with the protagonist. They are happening tangentially. If somehow, you could weave Tina's defining character beats with the events of the first 10 pages, your script would flow so much better.

Right now, anything that happens in the first 10 pages is incredibly passive, having no weight because I don't feel like what happens really means much to the protagonist. If it's not important to their life it's hard for me to care.

Keep at it though, I think you have a decent premise that provides a good platform for storytelling, my only goal with this comment is to help you further realize it.

Until next time,
Happy Writing
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CindyLKeller
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Well, thanks for taking some time to read it even though this one wasn't for you.
I thought there was plenty going on in the first ten pages. How hard she worked for this company that she loves, showing their new soon to be partner is crooked and only looking to gain control of their funds,  and that her nitpicky mother, who makes her a nervous wreck, has invited herself to a two-week stay at her home.
Oh, well.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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