All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
I skimmed through this the other day. I would not have known if it was a translation if you told me. I love those films like 'Oh God!' and 'Evan Almighty'. I'll try and give it a look when I get the chance.
Hi Marc, I finally got round to finishing the script today. Now remember I’m not professional screenwriter or critic. I’m just average guy like you that would love to write scripts professionally. Take my comments with a pinch of salt. I’m sure I am wrong on a lot of points. There is no way I could know exactly what is going on in your head.
Looking at the story as a whole, I see it is a Draft 1, very much a work in progress. There are a lot of issues. I could see the story in there buried deep, but you will need to do a lot of work to get that story out. I suggests you team up with somebody who has a better understanding of English writing or devote a lot of time to learn English writing yourself; I don’t think that is such a hard task, as a decade ago, with all the incredible learning resources out there, online.
Some nice visuals; environments transforming to both heaven and hell, God’s feet, the little dwarf Satan (with breasts). It will be expensive.
I like the idea that Leo sees the Devil immediately after he meets God. I like the cartoonish, impish imish of the red devil with pitchfork, and goatee no doubt.
This contract that God wanted Leo to sign, we did not really hear a lot about it, and Leo refuses. I think you have to elaborate on that.
There are some interesting topics that you are working on, Our obsession with physical beauty beyond everything else, man’s relationship with God and the Devil. The toilet humour is a distraction from these weightier issues, in my opinion. I’ve always been attracted to films/ TV series that deal with heavenly/ hellish issues, too many too mention but here’s a few of ones I remember fondly: Highway to Heaven, Angel on My shoulder, Oh God!, Ewan Almighty. That’s what attract me to this script.
Your very specific on what you want to see in scenes, e.g. supermarket karts. this could be a pro and con. I would leave a lot of this to the film-makers. Give them some leeway. Things like the rainbow, I would only leave in if essential to the plot.
Bruce and Wayne are very strange friends to the protagonist. At first I thought Bruce and Wayne you weren’t aware that the two names added together is Batman, but I think you may have done that by purpose.
Saying things like Amanda is the most popular girl in school. You need to show it not say it, I think you indicate it enough, with all these kids swooning over her. Uncomfortable scenes with the blind girl Amanda, are teenagers really heartless
There are some amusing scenes here and there, such as a dwarf Satan suddenly grown breasts.
The scene at the beginning with old Leo in hospital makes you feel that you are going to long tale se through several different decades, and we end up mostly at a party.
The language is a serious problem. I understood the translation well, but a spec script, the language is got to be perfect. NO spelling and grammatical mistakes, and here you have a lot which I have messaged you about. The errors are really distracting and made me read slower than I usually do.
As I said, you need to get a collaborator that really understands the English written language. Or maybe write the script in French? With the visuals, it would certainly make an interesting Luc Besson film.
The toilet humour is reminiscent of irreverent, juvenile American humour films like ‘Bachelor Party’, and ‘The Hangover’ films. A multitude of fart jokes and tit jokes, For me some of those jokes fell flat, some of them worked. The fantasy groping scene on Page 5 was funny. I like some of the interaction between Leo and Wayne.
There are a lot of things that are spelt out in the dialogue that don’t need to be. I’ve heard people on this site refer to it as ‘on the nose dialog’ Saying in dialogue what is really obvious. Dialogue also seemed unnatural in places and redundant. I would say that dialogue needs to be substantially trimmed. If something happens and Leo is embarrassed or hurt, no need to say it, it is already obvious to the viewer. Less is more as they say.
Most of the film is the party scene, up until the end, I was thinking that the intro scene in the hospital seemed very out of place; but reading to the end fo the script, it makes sense.
The change in tones, just make it feel very derivative, like when it becomes a Manga (like in Kill Bill Vol 1, I do not have a lot of love for that film), I wasn’t sure what scenes where Manga. Is it necessary for it to be Manga? What does it do to the tone of your script? If I were you I would loose those scenes. People reading will think that you are trying to copy Tarantino Kill Bill.
I see how you are trying to work pop culture references in there. I’d get rid of the Star Wars lightsabre stuff/ Padawan stuff, it is distracting from the main story, and this is coming from a guy who’s earliest memory was watching a New Hope in theatres, and I remember how good a feeling all that merchandise was. I can remember enjoying an R2-D2 punching bag.
I got a lot of issues with Leo as a protagonist in the story, and his desires. No matter how hot and pretty she is, why would Leo go for a skank like Vivian, she has no redeeming qualities that I can see, she is almost like the antagonist. On page 38, I think there has to be some kind of transition from Leo entering the room to Leo sitting on the wall. Some parts I didn’t get, it felt you we’re trying to emulate a Ewan McGregor Trainspotting thing.
I think you have to make Leo a bit more likeable to the reader. He spends most of the script lusting after a totally unlikable girl, he is an asshole, a shallow, disrespecting cunt who even treats God like a piece of shit. I want not have felt to bad if something nasty happen to him in the script. The fact that Leo ultimately picks Satan over the devil. A fowl mouthed God. I think you really have to think of who is going to finance, who is going to take a risk on that?
Leo does a few things in the story that garner a dislike for him. He is no Peter Parker, he is more like some weirdo kid who wanks about beautiful girls in video games.
Reading the whole script, it seems the story is saying Satan is a really misunderstood character (he gets more sympathy then any character in film, including Judas Iscariot). That he is the good guy and God is worse. Seen this before, but you really seem to be pushing this idea.
Leo’s wishes are interesting, and tie to the present day.
Try to be a bit more imaginative with your descriptions, don’t be lazy, like the beam of light out of Harry Potter’.
Just me, I would have liked to see young Leo go to Hell rather than old Leo, a character we hardly have been introduced to.
Thanks HyperMatt, I think almost everythings you say, is truth. But if I keep my script in french, I think nobody will make it, because there are too much special effects. And like you said, only Luc Besson have the money for than.
My next script I will post here will be very different, not a comedy at all.