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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Big Night Out With EZ Larew Moderators: bert
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  Author    Big Night Out With EZ Larew  (currently 101 views)
Don
Posted: March 5th, 2019, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Big Night Out With EZ LaRew by Johnny Atkinson - Comedy - Computer savvy shy young teenager tries to secretly ask a girl out via internet and ends up creating the biggest singles' night gathering in world history! 94 pages

synopsis - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: March 7th, 2019, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Is this a duplicate of the one posted on Feb 18th?


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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 16th, 2019, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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@Johnny,

...you mention this is a comedy (or at least that it should be funny), but apart from the email on your title page being your protag's name, there really is very little HA! here.  Subjective I know, but for me very little to laugh about...

Unfortunately from there it goes downhill.

Straight off the bat I have to mention your lack of character description. It’s one thing to leave out the odd bit-character, but to provide no physical description of your protagonist borders on scriptwriting suicide.

The problem with using V.O. is that when you give that part of your script such presidence, you damn well better back it up with style.  This is 7+ pages of your Protag telling us who he is and what he does.  It’s boring.  You’re showing us visuals and then telling us about them.  You’re also using it as an exposition dump.   Gotta remember V.O. is an art unto itself. In fact most people would advise against it entirely, and if you must, then you damn well better make it stylish, succinct and poignant.  This achieves neither.  

Here's a suggestion:  if you absolutely feel the need to use voice over then condense it down and have it be over something that’s visually interesting.  And inject more of the character’s personality into it.  If they’re sarcastic, then add that, if they’re naive and clueless, then add that.

On the cosmetic side, brush up on basic formatting...

-- the overall writing needs work.
-- all the SFX...just seems entirely unnecessary and out of place.

--If you must use so much parenthesis then try to use it in such a way that it's either there to convey a brief beat or an action/mannerism that is performed at that exact time mid-dialogue.

Code

Professor Yarburgh makes mean face and continues.
YARBURGH
(annoyed)
The Julian calendar was replaced by
Pope Gregory the thirteenth, with the
Gregorian calendar in 1582.



It's pretty clear from his mean face that he's annoyed, especially considering what we've seen from him already.  Most of yours are unnecessary and there's a hell of a lot of them.  There's a lot of problems that need sorting here.  

JMHO, but it's better peers to shoot you down than the industry.   Best of luck with this...

Ghostie



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