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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Apostle 13 Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 30th, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Apostle 13 by Glen Hosking - Comedy - After his dreams of becoming a legendary astronaut are dashed, a man hungry for glory ends up time-traveling to 33 A.D., befriending Jesus, and having a greater impact on history than he ever imagined. 117 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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Josh
Posted: May 2nd, 2019, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure if the writer's here, but just a couple notes for the few pages I read.

The opening was a little confusing, although that might've just been me. For some reason I wasn't sure if Sky was the only person in the audience, although the conceit of the birthday gets cleared up. I'm not sure if the vagueness is even an issue with the writing, it could just be my sleep-deprived brain not getting it immediately.


Quoted Text
He approaches a POSTER of VIVIAN GOODWELL, the first humanon Mars. Also in the poster is an image of the real Mars 1Rocket. He presents the toy rocket with great reverence.


There's an issue here where the context is clear in the script, but wouldn't quite come across visually. Is there an environment around Vivian that indicates what she's done? Or just text on the poster to communicate that?


Quoted Text
With him is CULVER (4, GARCIA (35), RAJ (40), and BENNY, an AI HUMANOID.


So here, other than Benny, we don't really get any defining characteristics of the characters to set them apart from each other. It sort-of makes me skim the proceeding dialogue as I group all of the characters in one big amalgamation. Although I can see how this would be part of the point.

pg. 6 is when I get intrigued. The Garcia/Sky clash regarding Benny is pretty nice character-building, and seeing where Sky and Vivian are now in their relationship is cool.

pg.11, I understand the need to communicate the deaths of the parents, but it seems a little clumsy the way it is done.

That's all I've got for now, I am intrigued to see how it connects to the bonkers logline and may continue reading.


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