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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Colder Heavens Moderators: bert
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  Author    Colder Heavens  (currently 164 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2019, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Colder Heavens by Hawa Kazimi - Comedy, Drama - A man attempts suicide and awakes in an alternate universe where gender roles are flipped. 102 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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Don  -  October 27th, 2019, 12:18pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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The link is broken - at least for me; does not work.

However, feedback on title and logline.

title: with an honest and distanced look on your hard work, would you see its title "Colder Heavens" as a comedy project?
imo the title is a pure disservice to your script which originally shall make people laugh. It's an illogical choice of you - IMO.

@: if the title goes deep as is, then the log must be perfect.

Better way: get the script read first (with a clear genre title) and later tell your contact that you actually see another, deeper title (this title) more fitting for this and that reason.

On first sight it just is what it is, you know, a disservice within the genre-

logline: Has potential. I like that it's short and to the point - there's surely comedic opportunity.

Only minus is, I don't like the prots description as "man". Be specific there. Tell us with few, one word at best, maybe two/three words, who this person exactly is that we follow along a whole feature plot. Build an identification and arouse interest in him. As is, it sounds as, that you the writer, haven't found a better description than the vague 'man', while you should know better than everyone else why we should be interested to follow this 'man's' story.

Think about the psychology of your pitch, in some parts.

Good luck




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PrussianMosby  -  November 6th, 2019, 6:04pm
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