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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Working Men Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 15th, 2020, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Working Men by Jacob Francis Keller - Comedy - Two minimum wage flunkies must save a small town after unleashing a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters enslaved to the night shift inside their store. 95 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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stampede331
Posted: November 12th, 2020, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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I've only posted one script on this site - the one script that I've written, so take any advice I give with a grain of salt.

I really like the opening of the script with the two ostensible main characters fighting over narrative rights.  It's funny and immediately engages the audience with the tone that carries itself well through the first 14 pages.

I'm on page 14 now.  Cosmetic Girl gets introduced and it appears as though Chuck is pushing Ben in front of her in order to initiate a conversation between the two.  This does not happen though and we quickly see Ben attending to an ambivalent shopper.

Am I misreading this part of the script?  Is Chuck trying to embarrass Ben by coercing him into conversation with the beautiful cosmetics girl?  The action becomes confusing here to me.

P.15 maybe should read "a four-year-old brat."

I feel like there should be some more drama when corporate woman talks to Handy.  Maybe Chuck or Ben interrupts them, or begins to overhear them.  Maybe the stakes of their conversation should be higher.  She says, "You have a good thing going here."  Maybe she should add something just after, like "WE have a good thing going."  This way her will is imposed over his autonomy.  I don't know.  But this feels like a crucial scene that should have drama cranked up.

Crazy couldn't set a birthday candle on fire - nice line.

On page 41, calling it a wrap for reading tonight.  I'm enjoying it so far.  I was told you don't need all the dissolve tos and cut tos, so I'll relay that same advice to you
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stampede331
Posted: November 12th, 2020, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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On p.57.  Still enjoying it.  Feel as though there should be more suspense in the conversation between Handy and the boys.  Maybe to see who knows what between the two parties regarding the monsters on p.57.  There can be a shakedown in which they feel each other out.

Inch by inch, *he pushes forward (p.73).

Did not see Ben being gay coming.  

P. 84 descent should be decent

So I finished.  My big question is - what set them free?  Is Bethany the mother figure that sets them free?  I wonder if she should have more power over them.  

Overall an enjoyable romp
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