SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 17th, 2021, 8:10pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
June Challenge Cometh

The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Working Men Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Working Men  (currently 194 views)
Posted: October 15th, 2020, 12:29pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Working Men by Jacob Francis Keller - Comedy - Two minimum wage flunkies must save a small town after unleashing a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters enslaved to the night shift inside their store. 95 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Visit for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at:
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: November 12th, 2020, 12:45am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
I've only posted one script on this site - the one script that I've written, so take any advice I give with a grain of salt.

I really like the opening of the script with the two ostensible main characters fighting over narrative rights.  It's funny and immediately engages the audience with the tone that carries itself well through the first 14 pages.

I'm on page 14 now.  Cosmetic Girl gets introduced and it appears as though Chuck is pushing Ben in front of her in order to initiate a conversation between the two.  This does not happen though and we quickly see Ben attending to an ambivalent shopper.

Am I misreading this part of the script?  Is Chuck trying to embarrass Ben by coercing him into conversation with the beautiful cosmetics girl?  The action becomes confusing here to me.

P.15 maybe should read "a four-year-old brat."

I feel like there should be some more drama when corporate woman talks to Handy.  Maybe Chuck or Ben interrupts them, or begins to overhear them.  Maybe the stakes of their conversation should be higher.  She says, "You have a good thing going here."  Maybe she should add something just after, like "WE have a good thing going."  This way her will is imposed over his autonomy.  I don't know.  But this feels like a crucial scene that should have drama cranked up.

Crazy couldn't set a birthday candle on fire - nice line.

On page 41, calling it a wrap for reading tonight.  I'm enjoying it so far.  I was told you don't need all the dissolve tos and cut tos, so I'll relay that same advice to you
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Posted: November 12th, 2020, 2:11pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
On p.57.  Still enjoying it.  Feel as though there should be more suspense in the conversation between Handy and the boys.  Maybe to see who knows what between the two parties regarding the monsters on p.57.  There can be a shakedown in which they feel each other out.

Inch by inch, *he pushes forward (p.73).

Did not see Ben being gay coming.  

P. 84 descent should be decent

So I finished.  My big question is - what set them free?  Is Bethany the mother figure that sets them free?  I wonder if she should have more power over them.  

Overall an enjoyable romp
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006