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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A Transitional Period Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Transitional Period  (currently 2106 views)
Don
Posted: March 16th, 2006, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Transitional Period by Jason Benoit - Drama - A young man stops over at his childhood home for the holidays on his way cross country for a new job. 118 pages - pdf, format


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Lon
Posted: March 21st, 2006, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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I just spent an hour an a half reading this script and I have to say, bravo!

You do have a few mistakes here and there, mostly technical stuff but your characters, story and dialogue were, well, wonderful.  It took a bit for Adam to grow on me as your lead character but once he did I was with him all the way, and even found myself reminescing on my own early twenties (I'm an old man approaching mid-thirties right now lol ).

Though all your characters felt real, I think your female characters were the best written.  Adam's mother, though her appearances were brief, felt real.  Megan and Shelby presented an interesting dynamic; Adam in love with two people who couldn't be more opposite.  The humor came about through character and not plot, so it also felt spontaneous and natural; it felt quirky, without being forced.

The dramatic aspects, particularly in Adam's self-realization at the end, were well done.  Though about that self-realization; he seems to have put two and two together about himself almost as an afterthought.  I think Shelby needs to have a bit more to do with him coming to this understanding of himself in that scene.  I don't know, maybe during the course of the conversation she says something almost as a throw-away but which inadvertantly carries a resonance with Adam.  I'm not saying the scene doesn't work -- it does, and very well.  I just think that as much as Shelby has helped him break out of his shell during the script, for her to not really have anything to do during his moment of realization feels as though she might as well have not even been in the scene.  I think she should contribute in some way.

That aside, I found very little to complain about with this script and I have to say that, in keeping with the title, the ending you provided was very appropriate and in some ways bittersweet.  But it felt like the only real ending your story could and even should have.  

So, kudos.  Right this minute, this is my favorite script on the site.  Keep up the good work!

- Lon
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rattle221
Posted: March 22nd, 2006, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the great review Lon. I think you are correct about Adam's change at the end. As always this is still a work in progress. Like any script. As for Tomson, you'll probably be the only Gator I ever love now.  ha ha.

Thanks for the great notes. I look forward to more thoughts and unlike some other people I've been with this site for quite some time. I have a few other scripts laying around this site somewhere.

take care and thanks again.
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rattle221
Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Messed up ones that's who.
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rattle221
Posted: March 25th, 2006, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the response. I always enjoy notes that can help in improving any aspect of my writing. Be it harsh or not, as long as it is honest. I'll have to try and check out Lon's script as soon as I get some down time to read again. Thanks again.
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AustinT
Posted: June 5th, 2017, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hello!

I'm looking for the writer?
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 5th, 2017, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AustinT


I'm looking for the writer?

His contact info is on the cover page of the script.  


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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2017, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Been a while since I opened a script here. I see a ton of talent in this writing. Sorry my comments can't be more useful. I read 6 pages, which was not enough to give much sense of the story. But the writer is very talented, bringing a literary style without losing sight that this is screenwriting. There are, as with any script, areas to be improved. But with this much talent, focus on stories, not nitpicky things!

My only criticism: the logline. Yes, it's nicely brief. But there is not even an attempt to sell your story. What happens when he stops at his childhood home? Does he become embroiled in a mystery? Do old lovers come back into his life? Does he find aliens have taken over? Something has to make someone looking to make a movie say "hmm, that could be just what I'm looking for!" If the story lacks that something, then this is an exercise in screenwriting. Which is cool since you have this kind of talent, so keep going to the next project. If there actually IS a something, then get it in the log! Good luck!
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AustinT
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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@AngryBear

Of course! Duh.

Boy, do I feel silly.

Thanks for the help!
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