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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Sinful Play Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 18th, 2007, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sinful Play by Elisabeth Dubios - Drama - Two complete strangers, selling their bodies for money, are about to realise, they have a lot more in common.  A lady of the slums, parades at night, on the corner of a dead end alley, in hope to make a few bucks, to support her frail mum. An abused porn star, fed up with her job and father, decides to overdose in hope to end her life. These two women meet, under the strangest of circumstances and what they discover, will forever change their lives. 85 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 28th, 2007, 2:12pm
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Scar Tissue Films
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Hi Elis, just wanted to know that I started reading your script before.

I'll give you a proper review over the next few days.

My initial impression from the first 20 or so pages was that the Victoria scenes were a lot stronger and more believable than the homeless scenes.

You deserve credit for staying away from the stereotypes, but something didn't quite ring true about the relationship between Janet and Susanna. They are so loving and so willing to work together that it seemed unbelievable that they would be on the streets. Surely between them they can afford a modest bedsit?

Anyway, as I said I'll have a proper read of the script when I have the time.

Cheers, Rick.
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JD_OK
Posted: May 22nd, 2007, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Quoted from elis
Hi to all,

I suppose getting someone to read your script to get feed back is an enormous task, considering the amount of scripts on the site.
Even "I" am absolutely overwhelmed with it.

I hope someone can give a little feed back, even if you only read the first 10 pages.
Thanks,
Elis


Hey, usually read to get read or post in exchange thread. But if u wanna read Newton's Cradle in my sig,  Ill read over your script. I glanced at it and seems to be in good format.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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elis
Posted: May 23rd, 2007, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Rick.

Aprreciate your initial feed back.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the script.
Cheers,
Elisabeth


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elis
Posted: May 23rd, 2007, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Hi JD_OK
Sounds like a fair trade to me.
All new to this site and a lot to learn about forums.

Cheers,
Will post you when I have read Newton's Cradle.

Elisabeth


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JD_OK
Posted: May 25th, 2007, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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I'll start off saying you have been working on writing for awhile now, which is a good thing. This ISNT a half ass script just slapped together and submitted. You have good knowledge of how to properly format a script almost, there is some things that I have caught below tho.

Pg 3. "Noticing Suzanne, infuriated, he walks up to the lounge and takes an open handed swing to her *** edit: actually, You put suzan there and it should be victoria

face." -- This sentence, reads as if he is slapping Suzanne. you should replace "her" with Victoria.

the dialog, when vict and max seems unurgent. Are you putting periods at the end on purpose instead

of "!" ..?

Cuz I would think vick would yell "Let me go!" and Not "Let me go."


-- those r not used correctly. -- is for when some1 interrupts. U should have "..." where u have the

current "--" I assume u r meaning pauses in speech here.

I would avoid the use of words: now, then, begins,still, suddenly... action occurs in the order you

place.

rape scene runs alil long. I would cut back on more of the dialogue here. end on high note. We already

get she doesnt like the guy he just raped her and what not... no need for u to tell us after the fact in

dialog. I would go to next scene maybe. he is sleepin, and she gets out of bed and grabs a guns, and points it at his sleepin body. She hesitates and returns the gun to its place.

Here, you show she hates him, but not enuff to kill. instead of telling us in dialogue.

Reframe from writing as such " He is standing" He stands" reads better and shorter. You must write the most in the fewest words possible. And only write what serves your plot. You r going to into detail alil too much at times. not to overboard tho.

bottom page 7 you call for a shot --
" She looks at his penis, hidden to us by the table, then back to sharon."

This is a no no, ...dont call shots in your spec script. you must write only. Write it so it comes across as you what it to be shown. EXAMPLE
" Sharon looks behind the table at Steve's pelvic area."

Get rid of all we see, we hears and rewrite the action. Those are marks of a amateur.

Another note u overdue your action lines( double spacing of single lines). They should only be used when actions occurs, ie, the rape, hitting, etc. Save these for action impact only.

A Reader might think u r padding ur script to make longer...

**note, DAY or NIGHT only in scene headings.

pg 14, you might wanna hold off with the  "child" in janets dialog. couple was okay.. but it gets annoying fast when its in everyone other line she talks directing to susan

Dont put action in ( ) , ie (coughs) = no no

pg 19. u got a period after elderly man in dialog.

pg 22 The whole begging to meetin max scenes goes alil too long, I would shorten this. You ahve alot of uneccessary action that can be cut and dialogue, which is help move this scene along. goes for 5 pages. I would really try and get it to 2 and a half atleast.

pg 25. "a real job" A

by pg 26, u have like too many similar scenes ending with  " they embrace", they hug" and there was

another i think, its repetitive. Gotta end each scene on high a note.

pg 27 " you are kinda reshowing, max being angry, restating she ungratefful and wouldnt be nothing without him. shehurt sayin let go. Gotta switch this things up.

End of act one should have begun by py 25, but definately by 30. Where old worlds ends for main characters and new one starts.

pg 30.  i would reframe from using unprofessional words in description ie"ass"

pg 34. HEre is where it really starts getting interesting for me. maybe cuz out of all the characters, susan is how i like so far. But page 34 is out of structure for the end of act one. Hopefully with removal or unecessary scenes/dialog and over description u can get it to page 25

pg 39. u r missing (into phone) in afew scenes

Here u also ends with one of ur moments" she looks into his eyes"

Watch out for the unfilmable" we feel the love they share" This line and lines like it needs to ve removed.
pg 41. u wanna remove the " out of character" line.. goes without saying. Plus, no lines like that should be present through out aswell.

I'm liking your homeless life scenes, and how they are developing with the characters and interactions during the scenes.
pg 44. capitalize victoria under sharon

pg 48 - I would shorten this scene, its alot of things we know already,  just quickly get to the point of them agreeing they r going away leaving

and we have another embrace for scene ending.......

I'm starting to get invested n susan's situation mosty, her character is more developed and likeable then basket case victoria. I would work on more character uniqueness and appeal with her situation

pg 52, i think its alil TOO QUICK ambulance arrives.
pg 53. I'm alil confused, does susan know she is doin porn or what? They isnt a clear notion that she accepts doin porn work.
pg 54 *side note.... why does this luxury car have crank windows? that doesnt make sense.

On this scene, its alil tooo convenient for him again to just be passing down the street and sees susan. Cuz one I really cant buy he want to keep visiting vict... I know u might say,.. he cares for her just he is so violent... just the way it is present in he actions toward her and other dialog about her when she isnt around makes me think otherwise.

Maxell dialog toward victoria and her reactions is played out and now feeling like something out of a comic book. I would truely re do this scene or cut it. We arent learning anything new here, didnt serve in pushing ur plot forward.

pg 60. I like the interesting twist of twin sister. made me smile....didnt see it coming

62. what is the " she is your daughter" stuff? A bit of twisted molestation goin here... that doesnt sit well.

pg 64. I think would work better if you had roger discover whats happening onhis own and show up there then having suan, go back to the alley then back to the hospital.

pg 65. have BEGIN FLASHBACK, b4 flashback and END FLASHBACK when done, and ur flash back we really dont need to know the year, since we already know thy "found her" and its was at young age.

pg 74. Im really not liking the fact vict grow up to believe max is her dad and he has sex with her, but talks to her like she is a hooker he picked up

pg 75. And i dont buy maxwell type of character actually keeping the baby.

pg 77. I would cut after they walk out of the room. The cut to doctor saying " I'm sorry" then their reactions. I say this becuz it predictable she is ging to die. I would only ontinue if she didnt die. So the scene drags with already what we expect to happen.

pg 78 Also I think u forgot after ur flash back that John and victoria were in the room, yet u dont mention them anymore/ hole .

Maxwell confrontation felt, anti climatic... And didnt feel right .Its kinda like u have a G rated plot with R rated action(porn). Example Parent trap meet Boggy Nights

Wasnt victoria said let just run away, yet she goes to maxwell tosay I quit? That didnt make sense to me. That action when you make it out she is so sick/trapped by maxwell. That needs fixen

page 88. They all seem alil tooo happy knowing hour ago her "mum" just died.

Ending felt too long, and different tones were felt through out.

I liked theidea with the sisters. I would work a new draft out, sticking to one tone. The hooker, "molesting", the raping, porn to poor bum discovering lost sister, loosing her "mom" was too out reached. Needs to be streamlined.

Alot of reworking and rethinking needs to be done here. There were some spelling mistake out and there aswell.

I also didnt really feel for any character by susan, even tho she really didnt change much. She was kinda happy at the begininng, and really stayed the same thru out... even after janets death she was hapy hour later at maxwells.

Max was just everywhere. He was kinda stereo type ass, not bad but need more uniqueness to him. Roger was okay, he could use beefing more.

I would change janets death to like getting hit by a car. The reader already assume since she has been coughing, and so forth she will die. But it WOULD be a surprise if she dies to something we dont expect, more dramatic.

If you have any questions, I'll be glad to answer! Good luck on rewrite!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (8 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  May 25th, 2007, 3:08am
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JD_OK
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Quoted from elis
Jd
That is a very indepth review and I appreciate all your feed back.
This is what I needed and you certainly deserve a big thank you.
Looks like I will have my head down for a while with this rewrite.
Once again much appreciated as I know how time consuming it must have been


Your welcome!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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elis
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Sinful play has been updated. It is now an 85 page PDF file.
There has been a few changes.

Hope anyone who reads it, enjoys it.

Cheers.


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TAnthony
Posted: June 4th, 2007, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS----------------------------------

Itís still vague on why Victoria stays with Maxwell. Why doesnít she go to the police or leave her life? She stands up for herself a lot when it comes to Maxwell, so I wondered about that.

It felt that there was a great deal of time where Victoria was absent from the script. Around the time when she almost died from the overdose. I think in a story like this the time between her and Suzanne should be equal.

The scene on page 42 with Suzanne and Janet seemed pointless and unneeded.

That was a great twist in that Suzanne is related to Victoria. It would be good for the script if there were more of these moments in it. Because the script is lacking in twists and shock moments.

You donít really say in the beginning that Victoria and Suzanne look a lot a like. If this were made into a movie that would be very evident at the start.

The last scene was nice, but the scene right before it when Maxwell was arguing with everyone felt a little corny. I also think that the scene went on too long.

In Conclusion, this was a well done story and your format is pretty much perfect, I just felt that there may have been too much ďaction stackingĒ in that after every sentence you would start a new action line. I also think it would be in your best interest to make this story longer, because it reads very fast and on screen I donít know if it would be 85 minutes. It might be even shorter.

Good Luck.


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elis
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Quoted from TAnthony
SPOILERS----------------------------------

Itís still vague on why Victoria stays with Maxwell. Why doesnít she go to the police or leave her life? She stands up for herself a lot when it comes to Maxwell, so I wondered about that.


Victoria is naive and afraid to make a strong stand.
Point well taken though. I will strenghten her character.


It felt that there was a great deal of time where Victoria was absent from the script. Around the time when she almost died from the overdose. I think in a story like this the time between her and Suzanne should be equal.

I agree and I didn't realize I had left her out so much.

The scene on page 42 with Suzanne and Janet seemed pointless and unneeded.

Noted. Will have another look.

That was a great twist in that Suzanne is related to Victoria. It would be good for the script if there were more of these moments in it. Because the script is lacking in twists and shock moments.

Point well noted.  I needed that sort of feed back.

You donít really say in the beginning that Victoria and Suzanne look a lot a like. If this were made into a movie that would be very evident at the start.


There is mention that they look very similar, except Victoria has died her hair blond.
It's true The movie would show the similarity.  I will define these points a little more clearly.


The last scene was nice, but the scene right before it when Maxwell was arguing with everyone felt a little corny. I also think that the scene went on too long.


I am in for another rewrite by the looks of it.

Thanks for that last comment.

In Conclusion, this was a well done story and your format is pretty much perfect, I just felt that there may have been too much ďaction stackingĒ in that after every sentence you would start a new action line. I also think it would be in your best interest to make this story longer, because it reads very fast and on screen I donít know if it would be 85 minutes. It might be even shorter.

Thank you for all your feedback TAnthony.
Going through your script at present.
Taking a little longer than expected.
Did you get my PM?


Good Luck.





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elis  -  June 5th, 2007, 6:32pm
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Jason Byram
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Well, here's my review

OVERVIEW:

Well, lets start with the format: it's pretty much near perfect or so I believe anyways. And now onto the story. Overall, it's good, pretty solid, not many filler scenes, but then again maybe it is a little too short.

IN DEPTH:
As I said, overall, your script was good, but thats not to say that it wasn't lacking in certain areas. For instance, many times while reading you script I felt that certain things characters were doing or saying was kind of out of character. Here is an example: On pg. 19: Maxwell just doesn't seem to tbe the type to 'apologize for his rudeness'. There's more instances along the way, though. So I would suggest maybe working on your character development and individualism ( a little bit more.
The relationships between the characters are pretty good for the most part. You built a great, loving and believable relationship between Suzanne and Janet. My ony criticism would be that some of their scenes together came off as cheesy and corny, too many 'i love you' type instances is overkill, it's quite obvious so you don't need to remind us... less is more in this case. Victoria and Maxwell's relationship has many unanswered questions. The ones I have about it are: if Victoria is such a porn queen, wouldn't she have enough money to leave Maxwell? Why does she stay? Other than that, it's strong and obviously built on hate and money. Roger and Janet: were they sexually involved? That wasn't too clear to me, but anyways, not too important, I liked their bickering, so... moving on...
The dialogue was pretty tight for the most part, but there were a few cases of 'emptiness'. I just feel that maybe you could change some dialogue to offer more insight into characters is all, sometimes it's kinda empty.
The ending was good. I loved the defeat of Maxwell (finally! What an aggrivating bastard you created!). My criticism on it would be that it's just a little too corny and happy happy, you know they're all sitting down eating dinner, kinda blah. Then again I can see how this ending would work for some people and I can even see why you wrote it: the characters have been through a lot so why not give them a happy resolution? I guess it's just me, I'm a pessimest and I love the black, so... My other crit about the ending would that before you skip on three years later, you should definitley write a new scene involving JUST Suzanne and Victoria talking, I feel we need to see them bonding before we skip 3 years later. Oh and finding out that Maxwell was a child molester is too far fetched, why not the reason he went to jail be bankruptcy or embezzlement or something? It fits better and is more believable.

SO, overall, I did like your script (I know this may sound contradictory but I praised as much as I criticised, ya know?). Sure you could tweak it and it could do with a few more scenes, but other than that it was a pretty good, enjoyable, sometimes darkly humorous and suprisingly quick read. Out of ten? I'd give it 6.5 or 7. Good luck if you're gonna take my advice or do a new draft, hope I helped. Peace.
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elis
Posted: June 11th, 2007, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jason,

Following the last few reviews, I agree with your comments and advice. A new draft will eventuate.
I would like to thank you for taking time out in reading and posting a review.

I am doing yours at present and another four lined up. Should have your review up in the next few days.
Thanks again.
Elis


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Shelton
Posted: June 26th, 2007, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Elis,

I haven't read through any of the previous comments, so I don't know if I'm repeating anything, but I thought I'd point out a few things that I noticed as I was reading.

The dialogue for the most part was good, but there's something about it that I can't put my finger on where it seems kind of mechanical.  I don't know if it's the excessive question marks or what, but it's something.

Once you establish the twist, you reveal how things became that way, but you never go into any detail as to how Victoria ended up in her situation.  You said that Maxwell had picked her up on the streets, but what brought her there?  Didn't Roger leave her with a decent family?

I wuld have liked to have seen the twist revealed just a little bit earlier, or to have this extended.  It seems like there really isn't that much left to the story after the revelation, and there should be.

I also think that the barbecue scene overloads the reader with info.  It literally gives us every detail about what happened to all of the characters in the script in just a few pages.  And Steve and Suzanne engaged?  Seems a little out of left field.

I think the basic story is there, and it works, but you should definitely think about fleshing out just a little bit more, maybe add another 15-20 pages.


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elis
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Thanks Mike,
I am fleshing it out a bit more.
I didn't think there was a need to find out about Victoria's background but considering the story is about the two women I suppose I should.
I will look at the dialogue again and see what can be changed.
As for the ending, because it happens a few years later, Steve has kept in contact but then again, I should show that.

Thanks for the read and the review, Mike.
Greatly appreciated.
Yoy seem to go through scripts at a remarkable rate; I still have three reviews to submit.


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