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A Single Bound by Constance Wallenberg (conwall) - Drama - A Single Bound' is a drama about a single mother who loses custody of her son after being accused of a crime. She must fight an uncaring system, the family trying to adopt him, and the her abusive ex-boyfriend or risk losing him forever. 105 pages - fdr, format
A Single Bound by Constance Wallenberg (conwall) - Drama - After she's falsely accused of a crime a single mother must fight to regain custody of her son, but an uncaring system, the family who wants to adopt him, and an abusive ex-boyfriend stand in her way. 106 pages - pdf, format
Thanks everybody! I opened it myself and noticed it opened in Final Draft. I'm reposting the PDF version. Sorry about that.
Your comments welcome on: GOD GETS FIRED. Comedy, 89 pages. Humans are such a failure that God loses his job. Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction. Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us. It’s about winning her back.
Your comments welcome on: GOD GETS FIRED. Comedy, 89 pages. Humans are such a failure that God loses his job. Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction. Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us. It’s about winning her back.
I actually gave this script a chance and guess what?... I was pleasantly surprised. You've got an interesting drama here. Right up the same alley as Finding Forrester, Grand Torino, Monster's Ball, etc. The bad news is it's chalked full of passive verbiage. "ing" words and what-not. There's also some pretty bad/awkward phrasing thoughout it. You've got a major rewrite ahead of you. But aside from that, this is the kind of story that the Nicholl's Fellowship contest eats up with a fork, IMO.
Honestly, I was tempted to bail out on this script a few times until I came to page 38. Interesting twist with Evan. Didn't see it coming. But everything leading up to that point I kept struggling with the believeablity factor. After that the story became so believable I can't help but wonder if you have actually had an experience with DCFS or know somebody who did.
A few more quick thoughts: Farouk probably should've committed hari-cari as opposed to -- SPOLIER-- trying to cut off his own head. Not very realistic.
Also, really needed a funeral scene at end -- SPOLIER -- With Chavelle, Hunter and Sheila standing over Evan's grave, teary eyed or whatever. Maybe even a montage. Needed one last burst of emotion, IMO.
Also: I'm assuming Chavelle was African-American, although you never described her for some reason.. But I kept imagining she looked like Taraji P. Henson and it worked for me, although she's 40 and not late 20's.
Last thought: Some of the dialogue seemed really over the top in a few places. Sorry I don't have time to go back and point it out. Gotta head to my dayjob.
My favorite line: EVAN You know, most people don’t put ice in wine. CHAVALLE Why not? EVAN It’s hillbilly.
Funny stuff.
Good luck with this. I'm glad I read it. Clean it up & shop it around. And don't start off the story with Present day. No need for that.
Thanks for the read! Believe it or not this is actually the first bit of feedback I've ever gotten on this script. Thanks for your comments. Funny you should mention my experience with DCFS (I have none), but looked up a lot of histories on line.
While I was writing I started to get worried about the NSA looking around at a list of websites I'm visiting, because I'm looking up Muslim stuff, and (gasp) weapon stuff, not to mention stories about people who often hate the government.
I started to think Google should just have a search engine just for screenwriters. "Oh, they're just writing some fiction, don't worry about it."
Anyway, thanks again.
Your comments welcome on: GOD GETS FIRED. Comedy, 89 pages. Humans are such a failure that God loses his job. Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction. Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us. It’s about winning her back.
Thank you for trying to repost. I appreciate it. But we might be one or two titles off. Any chance of trying again?
Your comments welcome on: GOD GETS FIRED. Comedy, 89 pages. Humans are such a failure that God loses his job. Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction. Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us. It’s about winning her back.
First off I really enjoyed your screenplay. As mentioned earlier it is certainly in a similar vein to Grand Torino. The plot is well thought out and executed.
Here are my observations:
On the first page you say Maurice takes a stab at parenting - suggest you remove this as you are being descriptive here and not visual re your audience.
P3 - No need to say radio traffic crackles - just say- cops pile out and pull Chavalle off Maurice.
P4 - not sure if necessary to underline her - I know some people do this in scripts but personally I find it distracting..
P5 - A guy playing an extra in his own life story - again this is not going to appear on screen and I find it confusing so maybe delete this?
P5 - you say reading newspaper and then scanning - why not just say scanning - no need to use both here..also I don't understand what looking for the orbit means..but that's probably my fault and not yours!!
P8 - bureaucrat pats his hand - would they really do that? Is that appropriate behaviour? I think the verbal sentiments are sufficient here.
P9 - when he enters classrom he'd probably just say sorry I'm late - then pick up papers and say I have the results....
P14 - the good news is, based on what you've told me, is you're not in any trouble. - using is twice is incorrect - how about - the good news is, that based on what you've told me, you're not in any trouble.
P24 - Mrs Ling scowls - this says it all so no need for - she doesn't like this...one..bit
P37 - all you did - suggest instead - all you've done
P48 - allowed in THE building - and HAVE already broken three rules - or perhaps - and already you've broken three rules.
P49 - get well soon Mom & Dad - Would they really say this? I confess I'm a bit confused at the timeline since Chavalle's arrest but I'm assuming no more than a couple of months between her arrest, being bailed, and seeing her son so I find it hard to believe that in such a timeframe they'd be writing this but then I confess I don't know much about foster families........
P54 - with A pay envelope
P57 - crumples on the sidewalk - enough said - no need for BAM. Dead? Dying?
P62 - Evan re asking if the detective married the volleyball player - would he really ask this when he's just been brought in with Chavalle on potentially serious charges? If I were him and I saw a familiar and friendly face I'd be straight away trying to explain what happened so as to get them on my side - and not engaging in small talk....
P69 Which is funny because...... - suggest you delete this and simply say As everyone is already standing they simple straighten up. That way we get the joke.
p77 - poodle starts yapping as if to warn..... - sugest you leave it at poodle starts yapping - the rest is unnecessary and again descriptive rather than visual re the audience
P77 - suggest she replies to Michael saying - this is mama's special friend - and so delete You haven't met have you? - not necessary and besides this is something you might say to an adult but not a young kid.
P78 - Gonzo never says anything - fair enough but again as an audience we don't know this as you're being descriptive again rather than visual - the fact that he never actually speaks tell the audience all they need to know....
P80 - I KNEW she was working on something...
P105 - Paramedics rush TO him.
P106 - Chavalles last piece of dialogue is a bit weak for an ending I feel - and also as has been previously said perhaps a funeral scene re Evan might be more appropriate - I think if a machette went into his chest then he'd probably die from it.....adds more drama and pathos to the end.
Well I hope some of this is usefull to you! As I said at the beginning I think it's a great concept, it would make a good film, and I wish you the very best of luck with it.
Kevin, Thank you so much for the comprehensive post. I appreciate your thoughtful comments.
If you have anything to read I'd be happy to return the favor.
I won't respond to each point other than to say that you are right in spotting my extemporaneous commentary. I did it about three times in 106 pages and was very concious of it each time. Most of the time I'm trying to avoid a (wrylie) and still trying to convey a character's exact state of mind. Maybe three is too much?
I'm working on it...
I also used Obit in place of obiturary, which you sped by as Orbit. I find this interesting, as the typical overworked and under-interested hollywood reader might just make the same mistake.
I'm changing that too...
Thanks again.
Your comments welcome on: GOD GETS FIRED. Comedy, 89 pages. Humans are such a failure that God loses his job. Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction. Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us. It’s about winning her back.
I just don't see that is being realistic or enough to make a legal case out of. For me, if this is the turning point in your protaganists life, you'd want to hang it on something more solid.