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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Meet Me In Crawford Moderators: bert
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  Author    Meet Me In Crawford  (currently 966 views)
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 5:17pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Meet Me In Crawford by Michael R. Maguire - Drama -  Welcome to Hell 130 pages - pdf, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Posted: January 1st, 2012, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Michael - interesting script, nicely written, but my problem with it was that it was just a little bit dull - hate to say it, but the opening scenes are written quite - gently - it's a war scene - there needs to be some AGGRESSION to it:

Lt Hughes leads the Rangers out into the waist deep water up to the rocky beach. Lovely.

Out of context, this could be a warm evening training exercise.

Lt Hughes SCREAMS orders as the Rangers BOLT out of the craft -
GUNFIRE peppers the water -
Chaos as -
A bullet RIPS through a Ranger -
A RACE to the beach, desperation, fear...

- anything to give it an edge.

Machine guns fire down from the left, killing many...

Machine guns BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!
Bullets RIP through Rangers -
TEARING flesh -
the water runs RED

- or similar.

It just needs more, than a pleasant re-telling - I need to be there with those guys, feeling their fear - and I'm just not getting that.
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