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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Hello / Goodbye - Produced Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hello / Goodbye - Produced  (currently 7893 views)
Don
Posted: April 20th, 2013, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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Hello / Goodbye by Mike Shelton - Drama -  A former couple attempts to maintain their friendship, but find it harder than they thought upon realizing they still have feelings for each other.  **This script is ultra low budget, using just two characters in a single location** 87 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 1st, 2018, 2:43pm
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spesh2k
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I enjoyed this a great deal. It would translate well to stage, and if it were shorter, it would make a great one act.

Even without the disclaimer about this being a low budget script, single location, I would've been cool with it. As long as you understand the rules of structure, etc, I believe it's acceptable to bend and break them. This is somewhere along the lines of Before Sunrise and After Sunset -- I read those scripts and its all dialogue and many of the scenes are 10 pages long.

It's very well written. Especially the dialogue. Everything rang true to me, and it sort of gave this feeling of nostalgia because I've had encounters like these with ex girlfriends myself. I like the back and forth, the ups and downs... this one night in particular is an example of what their relationship has been.

And you stay true to the characters. All of their actions, everything they say, its what their characters actually would say and do. Even when they try to do something out of character, it's still their character -- it feels awkward when they do it, and the other notices it.

I liked the way it ended, though it could have probably done without the last line of dialogue (Drew). It would've been more effective with him just hushing her and then ending with them dancing.

The dancing thing was kind of corny. Not that I'm suggesting that you should change it. Maybe have her say something like "It was still there." He's confused, and she tells him that their names are still etched into the tree. I don't know, that's probably way corny, I'm just spitballing.

I liked the block of dialogue with Beth on page 63 "That just how love works..." I agreed completely with it.

And I liked the Pulp Fiction thing where he talks about how in Canada they don't call it a Royal with Cheese, etc... I sensed deeper meaning in that random thought that Drew had.

If anything, the only beef I had with the script is that I didn't really learn anything new. A lot of the points your characters make have been covered before, but not executed in the same way, so it's not much of a beef. I just didn't feel it really touched new ground. But I related to it, so it's cool.

Just a few things:

Page 3 - DREW "That's why me make such a good team..." It should be "we" not "me"

Page 69 - BETH "It's just... we got to this place in our relationship where we it seemed like we..." probably take out the first "we"

Overall, nice work. You're a gifted writer, especially with dialogue. I literally commented right after I finished the script, so if I think of anything new to bring up, I'll get back to you.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I think this is the same Mike I'm thinking about. lol.

Error

pg. 1  On the other side is BETH, also mid twenties but dressed
much nicer than Drew "thanks" to a cocktail dress.   -- I think its supposed to be takes.

pg. 5 Thatís why "me" make such a good team. One of us always fills in when the other one forgets. -- I think you meant we.

You gotta go over this script again with a fine tune comb. But that's enough for small errors.

Stopped on pg. 13. This is intriguing. They haven't left the apartment and it's intriguing. Two people talking. lol. So much history established. This has a high probability of being picked up. Will continue to read more later on.

Gabe




Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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insider901
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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I agree, the dialogue here is remarkable. Really, really good. On page 18 you have the dreaded, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

I'd drop that. Since it was done in Wedding Crashers it's so over used.

My lone problem with this script is it's incredibly dialogue heavy and the scenes are excessively long.
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M.Alexander
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Shelton is definitely the king of dialogue.  His dialogue flows so well I'm guessing this actually story is based on real-life events and he just wrote it down word for word.


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M.Alexander  -  April 22nd, 2013, 10:13pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Up to page 32. Effing hilarious.

side note,

Drew laughs.

DREW
Never.

He turns and exits. Beth puts her hands on her hips in open mouth shock, then follows him out.

I think you should cut out Drew's dialogue. It'll work better. I think you should go over this again and see if you can transfer some of the dialogue into action.

Other than that, effing hilarious. lol. Will continue to read. I envy you.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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CM
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Great dialogue.  Was drawn in immediately.  Zipped through the pages.  

I agree with a previous poster though, would work great as a one act play.

Good stuff.
-C
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Shelton
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks very much for reading (or starting to read) everyone.  It's very much appreciated and I will try to return the favor ASAP.

I had been doing some work on another script last week, and since it was getting to be a little tedious, I decided to put it to the side and review some of my other, completed scripts.  I came across this one, re-read it, and still enjoyed it after not seeing it in quite awhile.

I then remembered that I had never actually posted it on SS, because the script came about as the result of working with someone here on SS who was looking for something easy to film and he started working on it right away.  Unfortunately, things fell through, and due to other things going on I just let it sit for awhile.

I don't see anyone mentioning any glaring issues, so I'll hold off on responding to what's out there for now, although things you guys have pointed out make sense.  My biggest fear with this script is that it may be viewed as too much up and down, but I always thought that certain days could go that way when two people are that familiar with each other.

Working as a play...I suppose it could work.  I'm a big fan of movies based on plays, so that could be where some of the influence is in this one.  Butterflies are Free inparticular, since a good deal of it takes place in the apartment.

Comments about dialogue, character, etc...are appreciated.  This isn't based on any real life events, but someone thinking it may be is a great compliment.  I've always enjoyed writing dialogue, and I enjoy it even more when people dig it.

Thanks again, everybody.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Gabby Hayes
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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As a personal preference, character/dialogue driven stories are my favorite.  Some of my faves include Hurlyburly, Kicking and Screaming(Baumbach), ...About Last Night... I also thought Butterflies are Free was Goldies best movie.

So it goes without saying, I enjoyed this a lot.  The Beth character is extremely well-developed.  The first 30-40 pages were very strong in a sense that most people can relate to it and it's never really been portrayed this honestly on the big screen.  

The next 40-50 pages kept my attention because you had done such a great job in the  first half, but I did have some issues.  Drew seemed to give in pretty quickly and pour his heart out, being vulnerable, and emotionally all over the place.  He kind of turned into a wanker for me, and instead of feeling empathy for him, I began to dislike him.  It probably does represent a realistic scenario for some men, but I think most stay guarded for as long they can and then snap over something drastic, for example finding out she cheated on him.  I would have rather him waited longer to hold his cards, give in, and completely melt down.  I would omit the background talk about kids and their parents.  They must be burned out on that subject by now.  I do like the concept of letting their background unfold through dialogue throughout the story, like most of the story, I just think this is not personalized enough for their specific relationship to be interesting.  The talking in bed Pulp Fiction thing is great because it identifies their relationship as unique.  Also a lot of it becomes repetitive, and I understand that is part of the roller coaster of emotions you are portraying, but it becomes whiny toward the end and an audience might lose interest.

This is something I would love to rewrite and show you a slightly different spin on.  I really connected with the material.  The changes I would make mainly are that I would leave Drew more closed off, invulnerable, confused and Beth more conflicted about what she feels(but maintain the cat & mouse games she's good at).  The ending would definitely not have them living happily ever after either.  When a relationship gets to this point, it's very hard to maintain what once was. Anyway pm me if you're interested in seeing what a rewrite would look like.  If anything, it would be just a great writing exercise for me to help me learn the craft, but I won't do without your permission.

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Gabby Hayes  -  April 23rd, 2013, 10:49pm
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CM
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Just finished this.  And my thoughts are mostly the same.  Good stuff all around.

But, the one thing that I kept going back to as read it was the bits of dialogue where the two characters would go back and forth about the same thing for about 2 pages.  Drew say's something sarcastic, Beth says something sarcastic back, Drew counters with another sarcastic remark, Beth quips another, Drew laughs, Beth still hasn't gotten an answer and Drew still hasn't given one.  I found a couple of the times, when they joked about something it worked great and they'd get sidetracked with something else and then all of a sudden go back to the joke and banter about it some more.  Funny at first, but then I wanted them to say something meaningful already.  

I hope that doesn't sound harsh because I really did enjoy the dialogue.  Flowed great.  Just felt like it would take four steps forward, then two steps back, then forward again.  I guess I just got less out of it at those parts rather then fully appreciating most of the other parts.
    
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Just finished it.

I enjoyed this however, a lot of things seemed to happy in that one night and it's a lot of talking. lol. As much as I like the talking, you gotta give us a break from it. lol.

Like Clerks, Smith takes the story outside a bit but than return it back to the store.

Now, you don't have to take it out of the apartment. How about splitting it up for a couple of months. You have the black screen with the words...A couple of months.

The screenplay can take place in Drew's place, just on different dates. I think the change will be more noticeable.

Other than that, it was good.

Hope this helps,

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Shelton
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gabby Hayes

This is something I would love to rewrite and show you a slightly different spin on.  I really connected with the material.  The changes I would make mainly are that I would leave Drew more closed off, invulnerable, confused and Beth more conflicted about what she feels(but maintain the cat & mouse games she's good at).  The ending would definitely not have them living happily ever after either.  When a relationship gets to this point, it's very hard to maintain what once was. Anyway pm me if you're interested in seeing what a rewrite would look like.  If anything, it would be just a great writing exercise for me to help me learn the craft, but I won't do without your permission.


If it's something you'd like to do to work on things, go ahead.  It certainly isn't go to hurt in any way.  It's funny you mention things about the ending, as I had given serious thought to going that route myself.  The title of the script were actually supposed to be the first and last words spoken in the script.  Drew says "Hello", Beth's note says goodbye.  Don't know why I ended up going the route I did since I wrote this about three years ago.

Thanks to everyone for reading.



Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Don
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Props to Mike.  

Hello / Goodbye is being produced (and is in post production) as Hello & Goodbye .

Please take a moment to LIke them on The Face Books.  Check out the IMDB.com page, too.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Guest
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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This is awesome.  I remember reading this a while ago.  Funny I never reviewed it??  Weird.


--Steve
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Dustin
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Not my kind of story, so I'm not going to read it... but well done. Has it got distribution in place? It sounds like it could make a profit. I notice the company gained distribution for Goons in 2012... but nothing since. According to imdb anyway.

Good luck.


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