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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Scripts and a Ball Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 4th, 2013, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scripts and a Ball by Ralph M. Chey (onz) - Drama, Romance - Saalim is a talented soccer player, but him and his "brothers" breaths violence. Saalim stabs a cop, Johnny, later robs Johnny's sister, Candle, a play writer. Saalim and Candle falls for each other, besides everything. But will they last with Johnny's hate for Saalim? 106 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: August 6th, 2013, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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I tried reading this, Ralph.  It seems that English is not your first language, which makes it very hard (though not impossible) to read.

You need to work on how you describe things.  Movies are a visual medium and you need describe things in ways that can be recorded by the camera (via sight and sound).


Quoted Text
FADE IN:

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

A look at the full moon.

The empty cemetery.


I immediately pictured a small town cemetery.  Someone else may imagine a scary-looking gothic cemetery.   After reading a little further, I'm guessing that this is a city cemetery, perhaps Cypress Hills in Brooklyn.

What are we looking for in this cemetery.  If there's nothing there for us to focus on, it'll just confused us.



Quoted Text
LOW INCOME PLACE. Under the street name signs, SAALIM(17), Somali, AF, short dreads, scar on his face, and GOGO (17), Nigerian, AF, are juggling a very used soccer ball.


Don't tell us their nationalities.  Show us!  Unfilmable descriptions like this are never good.  If I watched this in the theater, all I would see are two black guys playing with a soccer ball.



Quoted Text
Gogo does a trick.
          SAALIM
     Ahh, look at my young Nigerian star.

Gogo smiles, passes Saalim the ball.

          SAALIM (CONT’D)
     I can do better, though. Watch me, kid.

Saalim does a much better trick.

          GOGO
     Okay, you want a competition, pass the ball.

Back and forth, they amaze us with their skills.


Gogo does a trick.  Saalilm does a trick.  Gogo does a trick.  Saalim does a trick?

I don't play soccer so I have absolutely no idea what these guys are doing.  They could be swallowing the ball whole and bringing it back up for all I know (which wouyld be a much better trick).  Show us what they're doing.  Be descriptive.  Be colorful.

Read some scripts here and concentrate on how people and things are described.


Hope this helps.


Phil
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